Monday, June 30, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!


Red Sox v. Rays, 7:10 pm. The Sox make the switch from Minute Maid to Tropicana -- more vitamins! -- to kick off a series with the Rays, those scrappy sons-a-bitches who managed to gain a half-game lead on us thanks to our Texas suckitude this weekend. Tempers flared in memorable fashion last time these two teams collided, and with Grade-A Jackass James Shields (5-5, 3.76) on the mound for Tampa Bay tonight it's likely that hostilities will continue. Baby-faced stringbean Justin Masterson (4-1, 3.43) looks about as dangerous as Big Bird on Ambien, so hopefully he'll have enough common sense to keep out of the bullshit. Meanwhile, Akinori Iwamura better have found himself some gat-damn full-body Kevlar because that dude just cannot get a break from nasty slides at second. It's no secret that I love me some Evan Longoria, but I'm getting pretty sick of the Rays and their crap. We've got 3 divisional series (plus one with the suddenly hot Twins) before the All-Star Break, which means an opportunity to head into the break with a solid lock on first. STARTING TONIGHT. Boom!

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Someone is going to get punched.

Serious prediction of the night: No, seriously. Someone is going to get punched. Probably Iwamura, in fact. He's like the straight man in an old-timey pie-throwing slapstick short, where everyone around him keeps throwing pies and then ducking and he's always the one who winds up taking a pie to the face. Except instead of "a pie to the face" it's "a cleat to the groin."


Hey, remember in game 1 of the NLCS last year when Justin Upton plowed into Kaz Matsui at second base (and the sky grew dark with flying garbage)? Is there... there can't be... some kind of insane MLB-wide conspiracy to eliminate all second basemen of Japanese descent? Is... oh god! Someone get Tad Iguchi on the phone! NO ONE IS SAFE!

/is kidnapped by Bud Selig's thugs
/re-emerges a decade later, babbling about the importance of interleague play and the irrelevance of a salary cap in the post-steroids era

2 + 2 = 5

9 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Tampabay firstbeing doubleplusungood. Tampabay unwin tonight.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

We are at war with Tampabay, and allied with Torontobluejay. We have always been at war with Tampabay and allied with Torontobluejay.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Strikeout is homerun.
Fastpitch is changeup.
Fenway is Thunderdome.

BIG PAPI IS WATCHING YOU

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Remember when Rocco Baldelli hit the game-winning home run in Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Dear god... someone stop us before we hurt ourselves.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Three buildings dominated the Boston skyline. In one section of the town, the Ministry of Papelbon -- Minipaps in Newspeak -- towered, glowing white above the prole neighborhood of Chelsea. Nearby stood Winston's place of work, the Ministry of Francona (Minitito), blocky and functional. The economic bureaux, the Ministry of Beckett (Minibeck) was some ways to the south near Quincy. And to the southwest, lurking in the industrial wasteland of Roxbury, was a dark, featureless ebon tower -- the Ministry of Lugo.

It's amazing that any woman has ever talked to me....

futuremrsrickankiel said...

If there is hope, it lies with the PawSox.

(LOWRIEEEEEEEEEE)

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think it's time for the Two-Minute Seventh Inning Hate.....


DEATH TO DIAMOND! DEATH TO CAROLINE! DEATH TO THE ENEMIES OF REDSOC!

Rocco said...

Wonder if daver likes that book.