Thursday, June 12, 2008

Big Papi Becomes American Citizen, Is Now Allowed To Vote In American Idol Finals

A hearty Mass Hysteria congratulations this morning to affable Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, who, along with 226 other immigrants, was sworn in as a citizen of the United States of America at a ceremony in Dorchester yesterday afternoon. As a child of immigrants myself, I think this is totally awesome and I hope Pat Buchanan chokes on his old man cereal when he reads about this.

Papi is one of several notable Dominican-born tater-mashers to become a citizen of this fine land. Among the others are Manny Ramirez (Manny being Americanny!) and Albert Pujols, who, obviously, scored a perfect 100% on his citizenship test. Freaking overachiever.

So welcome to the United States, Mr. Ortiz! Enjoy your newfound privileges of paying taxes, battling an endlessly bureaucratic healthcare system, drinking shitty beer, and bitching about the fact that Jimmy Fallon is getting Conan O’Brien’s job. You’ve long been one of the most exciting figures on the scene of our national pastime, and we’re thrilled to have you on board.

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