Friday, May 2, 2008

Wrestlers of Yore: The Texas Tornado

Eight Year Old GHABB,Y: Wow, that Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich is awesome! He’s one of my favorite wrestlers! He drinks milk, says no to drugs, and says his prayers! Dinosaurs are great!

25-Year-Old GHABB,Y: Kerry Von Erich blew his brains out with a shotgun his father gave him after getting indicted on possession of hundreds of pills. Before then, he was the biggest drug addict the wrestling industry has ever known, and got arrested a few times for drug possession. The WWF fired him because the government was following his drug use habits and was planning to make a major bust on the locker room. Also, all the Dinosaurs are dead, and Grampa will be soon too.

Eight-Year-Old GHABB,Y: But he won the Intercontinental Title from Mr. Perfect! He had an awesome discus punch! He had big muscles like the Ultimate Warrior!

25-Year-Old GHABBY: Yes, the WWF had Kerry win the Intercontinental title, but they had to quickly take the belt off him because he was high on cocaine and pills during his matches all the time and they couldn’t trust him to show up to the arenas on time. He was also a huge steroid abuser, like the Ultimate Warrior. Most of his WWF matches consisted only of punches because those were the only moves he could remember.

Eight-Year-Old GHABB,Y: Nuh-Uh, Kerry was so great that he didn’t even have to run to the ring!

25-Year-Old-GHABB,Y: He didn’t run to the ring because he had his foot amputated after a motorcycle accident. He wrestled the last seven years of his career on a fake foot, including one match where Col. DeBeers ripped off his boot, and the crowd recoiled in horror after seeing Kerry’s stump of a leg. And your fucking face is smelly you snot-nosed little shit.

Eight-Year-Old GHABB,Y: Wasn’t he from a big family though? Did he have any brothers or sisters? They keep talking about his “bloodlines” on WWF Superstars, which I watch right after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

25-Year-Old GHABB,Y: Kerry Von Erich was part of the Von Erich wrestling family, which included father Fritz and his five sons. Jack, the oldest, was electrocuted and died at the age of 7. David, the most successful, overdosed at 25 in Japan. Mike and Chris both commited suicide before the age of 22 after having serious drug problems. Fritz died of cancer, but not before telling his only remaining son “if you had any balls, you would’ve killed yourself too.” Also, your opinion on girls will change once they grow breasts, then you’ll want to stick your pee pee in them all the time.

Eight-Year-Old GHABB,Y: *flicks pee-pee* Oh boy! Does my pee-pee at least get bigger though? It’s pretty tiny now.

25-Year-Old GHABB,Y: Sorry kid, not really.

3 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Wow, that's a downer. I think I need some happy time with my binkie and my bottle now....

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

What about the "Rainbows and Sunshine Foundation" that the Von Erichs formed? The organization is dedicated to teaching inner city kids to read and giving former gang members a way out.

No? Nothing on that? I guess we really are a nasty blog...

Stitchface said...

...but what about Dino Bravo?