Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Woman "Behind" White Sox Scandal Speaks -- A Mass Hysteria Exclusive!

Vickie Vinyl, White Sox Superfan


Hey y'all! This is Vickie Vinyl, comin to y'all by the internet! Ain't life a hoot these days!

Anyhow, I'm here because apparently I've been in the news lately. Little ole me! Can you believe it??? I can't believe all the calls I've been getting. I'm so excited all I can do is go around saying "oooooh! ooooh!" all the time!!!!

Well, those nice folks at Mass Hysteria wanted me to be able to give my side of the story, since y'all are where the other Sox play, so we're like sisters! It all started the other day when my friend Rubberta Sucker and I went on a little road trip (ROAD TRIP!!!! Oooooh!) to Toronto to see Our Boys play those nasty Blue Jays. (Blue Jays? I don't even know Jays! Ooooh! Ooooh!) We were hanging out by Rogers Center when a nice man saw us, and especially my big "You've Got To Push" sign, and invited us in to see the players! I didn't recognize him at first, but I think it was Nick Swisher!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!1!111! Ooooh! Ooooh!

So we got passes and everything -- this was way before the game, by the way -- and we were ACTUALLY INSIDE THE LOCKER ROOM!!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! We got to meet Joe Crede (oooh! oooh!), who is dreamy creamy and steamy, and Mark Buehrle, and Jim Thome (who speaks in all capital letters, oddly enough....), who was very nice to us -- he said we should call him "Jimmy-Jam" if we wanted to! oooh! oooh! -- and A.J. Pierzynski, who spat on us and called us dirty cocksucking whores, then laughed when he saw the picture of a dying child on TV.

But then Nick (who is suuuuuch a dreamboat! oooh oooh oooh!) said that we should address the WHOLE TEAM! All at once! He said they were having a tough time winning, and that two lovely ladies like us would definitely cheer them up! And we were like, DERHEY!!!! Of COURSE we'll talk to the team!!!!
So we all got together in the clubhouse, with everyone around us, and that was when....

OMG, it's soooooo embarassing! I don't know if I can even say it. Courage, Vickie...

Okay, I'm sure it happens to everyone. Anyhow, there I was standing in front of everyone having the time of my life, except....

And I don't mean just a squeaker or anything -- it was like there was a gigantic log in my ass just itching to come out. I swear, that turd must have weighed about 38 ounces or something. And I felt that way THE WHOLE TIME. Talk about embarassing!!!!!! Oooh! oooh! oooh!

I haven't talked to Rubberta about it, but she had a funny look on her face, too. I wonder if it was something that we ate?

Anyhow, other than that, it was a blast visiting the White Sox clubhouse! GO SOX!!! I don't see why everyone is so up in arms about this. People visit MLB clubhouses all the time! Just because we're pretty ladies doesn't make it bad!

I just wish I hadn't been so constipated....

3 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Um, I'm not sure if "whimsy" is so much the tag for this as is "very inappropriate."

Also, from the editorial you linked:

the blow-up doll shrine said a mouthful about how the Sox organization views women.

SOMEHOW I feel like that might not have been the best turn of phrase in this particular context.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Well, when you're a columnist, it's so hard to proofread while your filling yourself up with self-satisfied righteous overreaction....

(And you're just bitter that Kevin Cash is hitting .361!) :)

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

*you're

(speaking of proofreading....)