BRISTOL, CT: According to sources familiar with the website, the recent content published by ESPN.com reveals that the site not only fails to meet the minimum standards of journalism, as has been disclosed (countless times) before, but also has kicked and beaten a dead horse.
The beating and kicking, which took place on May 8, 2008 at the hands of ESPN.com "investigative" "reporter" Matt Fish, was reportedly "violent, systemic, and utterly nonsensical" according to those privy to the materials. Although the beating and kicking revealed by these materials comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with ESPN's recent "news" activities, the scope of the beating and kicking only raises the question of what further non-newsworthy items of pure fantasy and/or rampant speculation Matt Fish will generate out of thin air when he covers a meeting between Matt Walsh and Roger Goodell next week. Will he claim that the Patriots have the missing frames of the Zapruder tape? Will he connect Bill Belichick to the production of Zyklon-B at Auschwitz? Will he conclude that Jonathan Kraft conspired to cover up the assassination of John F. Kennedy via some preposterous "magic bullet" theory? (Wait... was that some other guy?) Or will he just report a fact and then print several pages of his own personal unfounded axe-grinding and call it "news"?
Mass Hysteria attempted to contact ESPN "writer" Gregg Easterbrook about the matter, but he refused to comment, instead releasing the following statement:
It is clear that this is no sports discussion, but instead a concerted attempt by the forces of evil, "fact-based reporting" to denigrate a noble cause -- yellow journalism on the subject of the Patriots. If we, as so-called journalists, cannot openly attack teams, individuals, or anyone/anything with unfounded innuendo and speculation and call it "news", what has America come to? Also, "Mass Hysteria" -- that's a Jew name, isn't it? Figures.
One can only assume that somewhere in Connecticut, honest and forthright ESPN Ombudswoman Lee Anne Schreiber is sobbing quietly, wondering what the hell she has gotten herself into.
Mass Hysteria will continue to devote at least fifteen posts per day to this issue, regardless of whether or not there is actually news associated with it.