Monday, May 19, 2008

Missing: Sh!tShow

We here at Mass Hysteria have spent the last few days gravely concerned. One of our own has gone missing, and we fear the worst. Sh!tShow, where are you?

The world (okay, Deadspin) has learned to love Sh!tShow as a jovial, Jack Bauer-loving sort and pillar of the Boston Deadspin community, prone to the more-than-occasional dick joke and tale of drunken debauchery. He has long been a staple of the morning posts, engaging in witty banter while making fun of Supermike. With him, the world has laughed, cried, and wondered how his liver is still functional.

Your beloved editorial board however know a darker, more troublesome side of Sh!tShow: that of degenerate gambler. To say Sh!tShow would bet on anything is really an insult to the word "anything." His bookie once called him concerned because he hadn't heard from him that day. He once bet me $50 that Betty White would be the next Golden Girl to pass away. Everyone knows that it’s going to be Estelle Getty.

Sh!tShow had been a core member of our blogging team right up until his disappearance, which we target to be sometime around May 9th. He posted about his beloved Red Sox virtually every day until May 8th, and it seems that he made one Deadspin comment on the 9th. Since then however, there has been no sign of him.

Possible reasons for his disappearance have been speculated, but it could have something to do with one of the following bets:

-$25 that Heather Mills could dunk a basketball

-$75 that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter (I could)

-$100 on Dick Clark in a Celebrity Death Pool

-$500 that Hugh Grant wouldn't get the girl in that late-90s romantic comedy

-$750 on the Jamaican Bobsled Team winning Olympic gold

-$900 that Stefan Urquell was not the same person as Steve Urkel

-$1,000 per month since December of 1995 on the speculated release of Chinese Democracy

-$1,500 per game on the Washington Generals (they’re due!)

-$2,500 on Rae Carruth winning the 2008 NFL MVP award

-$5,000 on Chris Benoit to win the 2008 Royal Rumble

-$10,000 on the Cobra Kai defeating Daniel LaRusso

-$50,000 on the hare beating the tortoise

Frankly, we fear the worst.

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