Friday, May 9, 2008

LeBron's Day

9:30 AM: Gets out of bed. Goes to put on slippers, but misses left slipper and ends up stubbing his toe.

10:00 AM: Attempts to get breakfast at his hotel but finds eight people ahead of him in omelette line, by the time he gets to the front, breakfast is over.

10:45 AM: Tries to read newspaper but someone has stolen his complimentary copy of USA Today.

11:15 AM: Cannot get in a pregame workout because everyone is using the elliptical machines.

Noon: Spills coffee all over game plan, rendering it unreadable.

12:15 PM: Tries to take pregame nap, cannot do so because construction outside keeps waking him up.

3:00 PM: Drives to arena, gets stuck at every red light on route.

4:00 PM: Unable to get in pregame shootaround because Celtics dancers are using the floor.

5:00 PM: Coffee maker in locker room out of regular coffee, has to drink decaf instead.

7:00 PM: Game starts. Proceeds to shoot 6-24 with seven turnovers.

10:30 PM: Anderson Varejao takes the last turkey sandwich from the postgame spread before LeBron can have one.

11:00 PM: In effort to drown sorrows at local watering hole, tries to get his drink on. Has to travel to four bars before one lets him in.

11:30 PM: Hits on bar skank, is rejected.

11:45 PM: Hits on bar skank, is rejected.

12:30 AM: Hits on bar skank, is rejected.

1:15 AM: Hits on bar skank, is rejected.

1:45 AM: Hits on Shawntel from Mattapan, a sizable portly lass, and the last skank left in bar. Is successful, takes her back to hotel.

2:00 AM: At the hotel, Shawntel reveals that she’s on her period. She then throws up on LeBron’s penis and falls asleep.

2:30 AM: Unsatisfied and covered in vomit, finally starts to fall asleep.

2:31 AM: Just as LeBron is falling asleep, Kevin Garnett breaks into his hotel room, punches him in the face and leaves laughing.