Monday, May 19, 2008

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? 1992 New England Patriots

Things were finally looking up for the hapless Pats, after a 6-10 season in 1991. They had a head coach in Dick MacPherson that brought a stellar pedigree into the NE, a QB who had a pulse, and a rookie running back in Leonard Russell who finally gave the Pats a running game. Expectations were starting to get high for the '92 season, could this finally be the year that the Pats went back to the playoffs? What came next was a year that paralleled '90 in terms of ass blowing, and a new owner that wanted nothing to do with New England.



The Good
You need to really dig through this year to find anything that could be considered positive. Two wins, that is all the team managed, two miserable wins. Thirty minutes later, I have finally thought of something good that came out of 1992, the drafting of Sam Gash. Gash was possibly the best fullback the Pats had, he was a beast, great on the pass block and a solid rusher. When Curtis Martin came along in '95, Gash was the mongoloid in front that opened the holes for Curtis (insert gang bang joke here). That is about it, nothing else positive happened in 1992. So that being said, this year I am going to adjust the headings to fit the tone of this season:

The Bad
Leonard Russell was terrible, only gaining 390 yards and only mustering two touchdowns in 11 games. Whatever magic Leonard had in 1991 was turned to fairy dust in 92. The tandem of Jon Vaughn and John Stephens picked up Russell's slack, yet the Pats rushing game never was a factor. It would be unfair to blame Russell for the entire bad season, as the rest of the offense was crap. Hugh Millen, the chosen one who had taken charge of the team the year before became a wet noodle and was forced to share starting duties with Scott Zolak, Tommy Hodson and Jeff Carlson. Who the hell is Jeff Carlson you might ask? Great question, because I have no fucking idea.



The Ugly
This entire season, the Pats started the season going 0-10 and scoring no more than 21 points in a game, while getting outscored 223 to 101 and scoring 7 points or less 4 times. If that wasn't bad enough they ended the season on a five game losing streak and getting shut out twice during that span. Yet somehow in the middle there the Pats won two games against the Colts and Jets.



The "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!!!!"

So Victor Kiam is not a good businessman, and let the Patriots franchise completely fall apart. He was losing money at a faster rate than ShitShow, and his ownership in Remington wasn't covering for all of his other losses. He was in debt and was forced to sell the Pats, because of his 110 million dollars in debt. So in an act of ultimate senility Kiam sold the Patriots to St. Louis-ian James Ortwein, who made it known:
""I want to be completely clear on two points," he said in his statement. "I do not want to remain the owner of the New England Patriots on an indefinite basis, nor do I have plans to move the Patriots to St. Louis. I only want to resolve the present difficult situation." Well he was telling the truth on one part of that assertion, as rumors swirled of a potential move to The Lou.


The Record: 2-14 . Whatever fans came back to the Pats after the '91 turnaround, left in droves after this season. The veil was removed, and all the flaws of an organization in crisis was in plain view for all to see. An owner who didn't care, a coach that was on his way out, QB by committee and two of the worst seasons in football history.

Song of the Year Boyz II Men- End of the Road.


I was in middle school when this song came out and prayed to hear it at every dance I went to. Hearing those three voices sing this mellow garbage meant that I could dance with a girl, well in theory. At this point in my life I had no balls to actually ask a girl to dance, instead I would just stand in the corner and watch the popular kids do it, but I got really excited because the chance was ALWAYS there. I swear to christ the one time I was actually asked to slow dance to a song, I began to sweat profusely, and got an erection that was noticeable to everyone at the dance. Annnnd that sent my dating back another three years.

Movie of the Year Aladdin. Jasmine was hot, really hot, for a cartoon character. I may or may not had some fantastic prepubescent fantasies regarding me, her and some time on the magic carpet ride. There was also some rumors about some great hidden messages that are in the movie. I hear that if you slow down the fight in the temple, Aladdin says "All good girls take off their clothes", and Jasmine says at the end "I like big cocks, come here big boy". I don't know if that is true or not.

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