Thursday, May 1, 2008

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?? New England Patriots 1990 Season


Each week until the beginning of the 2008-09 season, Hazel Mae's Landing Strip will be discussing and dissecting Patriots teams of years past. He intends to stir up players retired, anger and apathy long dormant, and most importantly an appreciation for the years of terrible teams we had to endure

1990 was a car accident for the Patriots.This one was not a little fender bender where a BMW bumps into the back of a Lexus. No this crash was epic, the equivalent of a drunk driver smashing into a moose at full speed. It was ugly, painful and messy for everyone involved, and it took years for the Patriots to pick the moose chunks out of the grill. The 1990 season was easily the worst season in Patriots' history, both on and off the field. Led by Field Marshall Marc Wilson, and Coach Rod Rust, the Patriots went 1-15 while sporting the leagues worst offense and defense, and off field actions that would set a blueprint for Bengals' teams in years to come. All the while a nine year old Hazel Mae's Landing Strip sat at home watching the games with his father. He learned quickly that being a Patriots fan meant taking the other team AND the points, games were turned off after the 2nd quarter, and Hart Lee Dykes (snickers) was the future of the Patriots franchise.


The season started off innocently enough, after dropping the first game to Dan Marino and the Dolphins, the Pats picked up a win against the Colts. After that win, everything went to shit. The following Monday after practice, tight end Zeke Mowatt was being interviewed by Lisa Olsen of the Boston Herald. Mowatt and fullback Robert Perryman thought it would be a good idea to do the entire interview nude, flashing their dongs to the horror of Olsen who was chased around the locker room by the football players. WR Michael Timpson was present during the incident, and giggled as his teammates assaulted the woman. Finally free of their advancing wangs, Olsen drove home crying and pounding her fists on the steering wheel of her car (Yeah she was pissed). The Patriots owners and management caught wind of the incident, and did what any good, moral person would do. They blamed the victim. Owner Victor Kiam, who was free from any Remington Razor obligations at this point, called the reporter a "bitch" and supported his players who claimed that "Olsen was a looker and she liked it". The NFL was not so forgiving, they fined Zeke 25k, and Perryman and Timpson 5k (all money was donated to educational programs to prevent incidents like this, and it has worked wonders as players have limited their exposure)

Things quickly went from bad to worse for the struggling Pats as they dropped the next three games. And the Pats were not just losing these games, they were getting their ass handed to them losing games 41-7, 37-13, and 33-20. They turned the ball over a lot, and John Stephen's anemic running game was forcing a confused and bewildered Marc Wilson to threw the ball way too often. In the middle of October, the Reverend Irving Fryar took it upon himself to show a young impressionable Hart Lee Dykes (snickers) what life was like in the NFL by taking him to a club in Providence. The two cherubs were "ambushed" by a bouncer, Fryar was eventually arrested after waiving his gun at the hooligan, and Dykes was hospitalized with a serious eye injury. This incident came to a shock to Patriots fans, before this Fryar had been a model teammate, with only two minor incidents on his record. (getting stabbed in the leg by his wife, and running his car into a tree).

The year ended with the Patriots losing, every-single-game, luckily in most cases no one was at the game or watching the games on tv . The Pats were irrelevant in Massachusetts. In a season of low blows, the final ball basher came in Week 17, a home game against the Giants at a completely sold out Foxboro Stadium. Almost all of the fans there were Giants fans, and they left happy as Pats kicker Jason Staurosky shanked a last second field goal to blow the game. The Pats had been outscored 446- 181, but at least they could be with their families as Bill Parcells Giants defeated the Buffalo Bills. After the season was left in complete ruins and the ashes smoldered, Marc Wilson retired, and Coach Rod Rust was fired and replaced by Dick MacPherson.

As a football fan, the only positive I drew out of this season was the release of Tecmo Super Bowl. Possibly the greatest video game ever created. If you want to see how bad the Pats were, play a game against the Giants.



Billboard Song of 1990: Wilson Phillips- Hold On.
Top Grossing Movie of 1990- Home Alone

6 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

DON'T YOU KNOW
THINGS'LL CHANGE
THINGS'LL GO YOUR WAY
IF YOU HOLD ON
HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY...

Um, seriously Haze, this kicks ass. If I were Bill Simmons, I would definitely write a column comparing the 1990 Patriots to the 2007 Dolphins.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I remember being excited by the drafting of Hart Lee Dykes.

I also remember being excited about Reggie Dupard, and Eugene Chung, and Chris Canty, and.... well, let's just say that Mr. Grier was not the finest draft maven in football history.

Sh!tShow said...

Don't worry, boys and girls, soon we'll be saved by the greatest coach in NFL history.

Dick MacPherson.

As for the Providence incident.. FUCK YOU PROVIDENCE!!! STOP LURING ME DOWN THERE WITH YOUR MINOR LEAGUE HOCKEY AND DECENT BAR SCENE ONLY TO WAKE UP NEXT TO AN UNNATTRACTIVE GIRL IN A HOTEL NEXT TO THE DUNK WITH A PHONE MESSAGE SAYING "ENJOY THE UGLY CHICK WE GOT JUMPED I'M IN THE HOSPITAL" FROM MY BUDDY!

GHABB,Y~! said...

We need to reenact the Olson incident with futuremrs. I call Zeke Mowatt!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Strongly disagree with above comment.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Mrs. Ankiel, have you ever seen a Patriot missile?