SCENE: A film executives’ meeting in Hollywood. Members of the Celtics sit around the table looking pleased with themselves. Doc Rivers quietly helps himself to cookies in the corner.
Smarmy Executive #1: …so you see, this is really one of those feel-good sports movies that we feel we simply haven’t saturated the American film market with in at least two months.
Smarmy Executive #2: Exactly! Think “Air Bud” meets “Hoop Dreams” meets, oh, let’s say “Norbit.” Incidentally, RaShawn, how did that fat black lady suit we sent over for you to try on fit?
Rajon Rondo: Fits good. Fits real good.
Smarmy Executive #1: That’s great, Daequan. Getting back to the storyline, I think this story is just what America needs right now. Everyone’s still reeling from the writers’ strike, not to mention the untimely death of Brad Renfro. Confidence is at an all-time low. People need to be reminded to believe in the underdog and the power of redemption again.
Smarmy Executive #3: It’s just so heartwarming. A team that was a laughing-stock, that couldn’t even finish a season above .500, is suddenly poised to pull off a spectacular series of wins in the playoffs. Through determination, heart, and team unity, they’ve managed to overcome all odds and come out on top where they belong. A city that had lost hope in its basketball team is suddenly rejuvenated and the arena is packed. The excitement in the air is palpable as we enter the scene of the final game, where the team will finally prove for once and for all that they’ve made an incredible turnaround.
Smarmy Executive #1: Meanwhile, of course, the hero of our story is finally enjoying that passionate first kiss with his girl in the stands.
Jerry Bruckheimer: And then his car explodes!!!
Smarmy Executive #2: Um, sure. His car explodes.
Anyway, we’d like the final point of the game to come down to a couple of free-throws shot by the young star of the team… a young man coming off a great career at his SEC school, but still eager to prove he can hold it among the powerful veterans on his squad.
Smarmy Executive #3: Yup, in fact, let’s go over the dialogue for that right now. Al, would you come in here please?
Al Horford: [enters smugly]
The Celtics, in unison: …
Smarmy Executive #1: So at this point, Kevin, we’re going to need you to commit some sort of foul on Al as he drives to the basket.
Kevin Garnett: …
Smarmy Executive #1: Try and make it dirty… maybe trip him up a little, or whisper something nasty about his pregnant girlfriend as you do it. That way, we can send him to the line with 0.4 seconds left, and…
Paul Pierce: Hold it a motherfucking second. Are you KIDDING me?! WE’RE the bad guys? How in the fuck did that happen?
Smarmy Executive #2: Well, think about it, Paul. What’s a more inspiring tale of redemption than an 8th-seeded team who couldn’t even win half of their games this season coming back to defeat the league’s best team – a team with 3 of the best veteran players in the game – and knock them out of the playoffs? This is cinematic gold.
Paul Pierce: Are you fucking serious? We won 24 out of 82 games last year! We were the laughing-stock of the entire fucking league! We pulled off the greatest season-to-season turnaround in the history of the NBA! We rebuilt a once-proud franchise that had left its fans in despair for a decade! We… we…
Smarmy Executive #3: We know that, Paul, and believe me, we think it’s great. But we just think it’d be more, you know, HEARTWARMING if you guys lost to the Hawks.
Al Horford: Bitchassmothafuckaaaaaaaaahs.
Kevin Garnett: [stands up. He dwarfs the executives. The sky outside suddenly turns dark and overcast as lightning crackles across the sky. In a booming voice that seems to emanate from the very center of his being]:
THERE. IS. NO. FUCKING. WAY. THAT. IS. HAPPENING.