Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I Have No Clue How Tonight's Game Will Go, and it's Doc's Fault

My "athletic investment consultant" often begins sentences with the phrase "If I were a gambling man," before, um, consulting me on, uh, which athletic events to, uh, invest in. It's a little game we play, where he advises me one way, I usually bet the other, and a few hours later, I end up owing him a lot of money. Kinda like Sh!tShow, except that I'm not currently lying at the bottom of the Merrimack River.

Well if I were a gambling man, I would absolutely stay the fuck away from tonight's C's/Pistons Game 5, live from the sanitary confines of the Shawmut FleetCenter TD Banknorth Salem Five Cents Danvers Savings Bank Garden Centre Arena Place of Sports N'Stuff. Do Not. Bet On. This Game. Don't touch it with Betty White's dick.

Now, one may disagree with me given the Chalk-y nature of the 2008 playoffs, and would jump to the seemingly logical conclusion that the top-seeded Celtics, playing at home, would resume their trend of "looking better in white than even Diddy."Those gamblers however are forgetting one very important factor in making their donation to the United Sicilian College Fund: Doc Rivers is prominently involved.

Look, the C's should win tonight. They're at home. The Pistons' best player this series has had more knee surgeries than Mark Schlereth. Garnett has been dominant. Billups is clearly hurt. Rondo plays MUCH better at home. Ray Allen has even started to look "not nearly as deceased" in the last two games.

But...Doc Rivers is involved. And because of this, things like "Sam Cassell playing 16 minutes despite not having a single point or assist" occur. "Leon Powe playing exactly one minute in the last two games despite having the 7th best PER of all PFs in the league" has happened. Even "P.J. Brown playing 95 minutes in the last five games despite only playing 208 minutes all goddamned season" took place.

I'm not necessarily going to completely blame Doc for Monday's suck-fest (which was the single most boring and painful-to-watch basketball game I've ever seen that didn't involve Pat Riley or John Starks), but the sumbitch certainly didn't help. If your team is struggling to shoot 30% from the field, ya think you might want to put in designated shooter Eddie House? If your shooting guard is having another one of his zombie-riffic shooting performances, why leave him in for 38 minutes? If a 33-year-old center with three bad knees is the opposition's only reliable scoring option, wouldn't it be prudent to utilize your Defensive Player of the Year in stopping him? No, of course not, you deserve some rest.


I guess we can take solace in one thing however: Doc's kid just transferred to Indiana, which currently has three players on scholarship. "Lack of desire to win basketball games" must be a genetic trait.

1 comment:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Your curious fascination with the sexuality of the Golden Girls is starting to worry me.

On the other hand, it does explain why you're always dressed like Bea Arthur....