Friday, May 2, 2008

Epic. Fucking. Fail.

It's my fault really. I trusted a Doc Rivers-coached team, despite the fact that he had proven to us so many times before that he's useless, wrong, and borderline mentally retarded. I blame myself for trusting the coaching equivalent of a girl who cheats on your four times, but promises she won't do it a fifth. I hate you Doc Rivers, you filthy slut.
Fuck you and stop smiling you incompetent shit
My last year in Little League, I played for this horribly incompetent coach. He would make terrible substitutions, he let his kid pitch all the time, he fucked around with the batting order way too much, and he was generally the coaching equivalent of Dane Cook's comedy. And yet we won the league championship, not because of him, but in spite of him. We were talented as all hell, and we covered for his mistakes. Doc Rivers reminds me of that coach, and I can only therefore hope that the Celtics become the equivalent of my Little League team, carrying their coach across the finish line.

Make no mistake, tonight's aneurysm of a loss had Doc's Play-Doh stained fingerprints all over it. Sitting Garnett out for the beginning of the fourth quarter? Dumb. Letting the Hawks grab offensive rebounds at will? Idiotic. Putting in Pierce so he could foul out with six minutes left? Stupid. I could go on and on, but I won't, because then an embolism will burst in my brain with my last word being "fhghffhgmf."

But that mongoloid's biggest error was made in your final offensive possession. Pop quiz, for all the non-basketball fans who read this site. If you were a basketball coach and your team had possession of the ball with 25.3 seconds left on the clock (a 1.3 differential between the shot clock and game clock), would you:
a) run the clock down to its final few seconds and then work the ball inside to your MVP candidate
b) have one of your guards drive to the hoop and attempt to draw a foul
c) have a player who missed his last six shots jack up an immediate three pointer.

Did you guess a or b? Then congrats, you're a better coach than Cock Rivers, who guessed C! In a related story, said cold-shooting superstar bricked the aforementioned 3, and the C's lost! Shocking, I know.

Now I still hold firm to my belief that the Celtics will win Game 7 and this series (Christ, I fucking hope so at least), but holy twatwaffle are we in trouble for the rest of the playoffs. And it's not because the team is lacking in talent, or athleticism, or shooting ability, or defensive mastery. No, I'm overcome with dread for one reason, and one reason only: Doc Fucking Rivers.

2 comments:

Tuffy said...

Do you think your fears would be allayed if Tom Thibodeau had access to the ebola virus and a decent alibi?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'd settle for a gun and a ride to Mexico.