Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Dear Boston Herald: Eat A Bag of Dicks

Dear Boston Herald,

First of all, I just wanted to note that I don’t read your newspaper because I a) read past a first-grade level and b) don’t hate myself. I almost bought your paper once to wipe my ass after I ran out of TP, but then I found Steve Buckley’s hairpiece lying on the ground and used that to wipe my shit-caked ruby starfruit. Then I put the feces-streaked hairpiece back on Buckley’s head, and he looked no different.

Here’s what I’d like you to do. First, gather two reliable witnesses. Two. Not zero, not one “unnamed source” who happens to be a lying golf pro with a vendetta, but two actual human beings who can give an honest account of what is about to occur. Then, invite a reporter from the Globe, so the impending story will be reported by a reliable source. Then, and here’s the important part: have all of your employees eat a big bag of dicks. Use some of that Fox money to make sure each mouth-breathing employee, from the top of the masthead to the guy who makes sure each paper is folded, has a giant Hefty bag filled to the brim with penises. If they object, tell them that bloggers aren’t eating dicks, and that they therefore have to. Because your employees are simple and easily led, they will quickly acquiesce.

Why such vitriol you ask? This dick-eating invitation is not just due to the Tomase’s Boner, but rather serves as a lifetime achievement award for journalistic shittiness. Your paper has singlehandedly decreased the collective IQ of the city by at least 30 points. It caters to the lowest common denominator in all cases, and seems to be stooping only further. You make the motherfucking free Metro paper look like the New Yorker in comparison. I can only hope that Rupert Murdoch is raped by a wallaby and left for dead.

You also employ Gerry Callahan and Steve Buckley, the Bush and Cheney of the Boston media. One is borderline retarded and stubbornly conservative in the face of all logical thought, while the other reaches new levels of self-serving behavior on a daily basis. So congrats on that! From the little bit I’ve read of each, it’s also apparent that each writes at the level of “Highlights for Children.” For a few months there I thought there was a God, but then it turned out that Callahan’s throat problem wasn’t fatal.

And I haven’t even gotten to Tomase, the most recent and egregious offender in your history of journalistic ignorance. This wasn’t exactly spelling “Jeremy Burnitz” instead of “Jeromy.” This was a FUCK UP OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. It was ill-informed, irresponsible, sensationalistic, and slanderous in every way. If Tomase doesn’t get fired, there should be some sort of government investigation. But there probably won’t be, if only because Rupert Murdoch owns everything, including a teenage Pakistani boy whose job it is to eat only beef curry and then shit it onto Murdoch’s chest every day at 4:38 PM. I heard that from an unnamed source somewhere.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Can I just say that "Eat a Bag of Dicks" is my favorite feature?

Starting Aces said...

All the journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News with 0% of the batboy features.