Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dancing Knuckles-ball Tames Purring Bengals!

Salutations and greetings, it is I, your loyal reporter Worthington P. Foxtrotty reporting via the telegraph from the far western outpost of Le De Troit, Michigan, home of vagrants, fur-trappers, Canadians, and far too many of the perfidious Kraut. I am pleased, however, to report that Le De Troit does have the finest haberdashery this side of the Indian Territories, and a suitmaker of some renown in Messr. H. Banks of Grosse Pointe, who is quite pleasant and reasonable for a damnable Papist.

Your Reporter In His Newest Finery

But hark, even from this frontier town I can hear your cries of approbation, Gentle Readers! "We care not to hear of your sartorial frippery, Foxtrotty! Tell us the results of the base-ball contest afore the coming of the morrow, lest we vex you with a swift caneing, mountebank!"

Alas, I have to confess that due to an unfortunate tailoring incident, I was not able to make my way to the rustic Bennett Park, home of the Le De Troit Tigers Bases-and-Balls Club, until the seventh frame of base-ball was already underway. However, I have been able to piece together the history of the contest by conversing with the local ruffians, although their rustic "English" -- more of a guttural, Creole-like pidgin, in truth -- and strange customs made this quite an effort!

From the rustics I was able to determine that the Frenchman Waiquefield, he who has mastered the fine arts of the knuckles-ball, the spitzball, the scuffed-with-a-ha'penny-nail ball, the soaked-in-pomade ball, and the split-fingered cut slider, took the pitching mound for the Stockings in the contest. And lo, how the knuckles-ball danced in the pleasant near-to-Canadian aire! Although the Spaniard Guillen obtained a bases-hit in the first frame, nary another Tiger clawed his way to the first base until nigh on the eighth frame! Doubly tragic for the assembled Michiganians, the contest lasted a full two hours and twenty minutes, as Waiquefield slowly and deliberately crafted his knuckles-ball whimsy.

Once again, the Free Negro Ortiz and his countryman the Papist Spaniard/Dread Pirate Ramirez were prominently associated with the Stockings' inevitable victory. While Waiquefield bamboozled the docile kittens with his rawhide-covered catnip, the local nine's two most prominent sluggers of the darker persuasion achieved home runs consecutively in the seventh frame of the base-ball. Boff! Pow! "Fare thee well!" sings the oblate spheroid as it flies from the grasp of the declawed felines! And once again, the locals have triumphed by a tally of five runs to naught!

Also playing a role for the Stockings was the Mighty Greek/Hebrite Youkilis, who contributed two bases-hit and portrayed the role of Baseman the First with great aplomb and dignity, and nary a trace of swarthiness or money-grubbing (as one may expect from such as his breed).

In response to a question from Mrs. Richard Ankiel of St. Louis in the Missouri Territories, this reporter notes that Messr. Kevin Cash, who is, to this reporter's knowledge, a direct relation of the self-same Cashes who came to our fine country aboard the Mayflower, did indeed participate in this contest, contributing no fewer than THREE bases-hit in support of the team effort. Messr. Cash wishes me to convey his regards to Mrs. Ankiel, a stalwart supporter of his, as well as to his mother, Mrs. Wilhemenia Cabot Lowell Kennedy Dane Cook Damon Brady Cash, lately of Beacon Hill.

The Rustic Felines and our Stockings of Red shall contest another game of the bases-ball tomorrow, with the haemophiliac potentate Archduke-in-Waiting Klaustein "Clay" Buchholz von Hapsburg-Schwei╬▓enstein taking the mound, opposed by yet another damnable Papist Spaniard.

GAME NOTES: Although the official Spaulding Rules state that a team of base-ball shall consist of eight fielders, by this reporter's mathematics the local Tigers fielded only 5.8 players in today's contest. Bully on the Tigers for remaning competitive despite this oversight!


futuremrsrickankiel said...


Damnable Mick!

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

FMRA + KC = TLA!!1!1!!!11