Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Celtics Defeat PCP, Cavaliers

(AP) BOSTON – The Boston Celtics pulled off the impossible last night: Holding LeBron James in check, while also winning the league’s first 4-on-5 basketball game.

“To win was exhilarating, but to do so 4-on-5, that’s gotta be history,” noted coach Doc Rivers, who spent much of the game picking his own boogers. “”Not only did we overcome that deficit to win, but we did so with me as a coach. Hallelujah!”

The deficit Rivers referred to and the cause of the game’s 4-on-5 nature was a curious decision made by Celtics guard Ray Allen. Sources have revealed that Allen ingested eight PCP tablets prior to Tuesday’s Game 1, resulting in an on-court disappearance and the game’s 4-on-5 nature. “I don’t know where I was for the last two hours,” Allen noted after the game. “I thought I was taking Flintstones Chewables, and then there I was, floating around on a basketball court along with gnomes and purple elephants. I had a great conversation with a unicorn in the third quarter while I rode him over the Peppermint Rainbow to the chocolate forest in Hrothgar.”

Allen in an equally sedated state

Allen finished with zero points while on PCP, his first scoreless performance in more than ten years. Onlookers first noticed Allen’s sedated state when he missed a few first quarter jump shots, and his sleepwalking nature was confirmed when he remained absent from the team’s offense for the rest of the game. Celtics forward Paul Pierce is believed to have also taken some of Allen’s pills, as he shot 2-14 from the field with only two points.

The Celtics’ other players were able to put in a superhuman effort in Allen’s absence, holding Cleveland star LeBron James to a paltry 2-18 shooting performance. “When Ray’s pupils started spinning before the game, we knew we had to step it up on defense. When Paul later started giggling about dinosaurs, we knew we had to work that much more” remarked James Posey, who hounded Cleveland’s James for much of the night. Celtics forward Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo carried the team’s offense, and a few key jumpers from veteran Sam Cassell helped seal the 76-72 win.

The win gave the Celtics a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series, with Game 2 taking place Thursday in Boston. Allen, for one, promises to be present at that game. “That’s the last fucking time I’m taking any vitamins from Scot Pollard. Next game, I’ll be ready.”


futuremrsrickankiel said...

What was Ben Wallace's excuse up until the 4th quarter, then? Too much Pedialyte?

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think he was a little colicky and needed to be burped.