Thursday, May 22, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

With the Red Sox ripping off more Grand Slams than me at Denny's at 3am, Boston sports fans are left to give their undivided attention to jumping black men in shorts for the rest of the night.

Celtics vs. Pistons Game 2, 8:30: While the C's got off to a boneriffic start on Tuesday, those efforts can be for naught with a bed-shitting in tonight's Game 2. If you've been in a bunker for the last three weeks (and if you have, I don't blame you, for the Ruskie Menace is real and here), you may not have heard that the C's are slightly good at home in these playoffs, and slightly dogshit on the road. Ergo, home wins are necessary so long as road wins are NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND.

*twitchingly shovels Flexerall into expectant mouth*

I'm remotely confident in a win tonight, both because of the home surroundings and the fact that the C's rocked sweet balls and could do no wrong on Tuesday. If they play like that every game, they can beat the Pistons, Lakers, and Tawny Kitaen, all at the same time.C's fans (who are then divided into groups of "those who enjoy the intensity of Kevin Garnett" and "those who liked Larry Bird cause he wasn't one of the Mud People") should know very quickly how tonight's game will go, based on whether the following things occur in the first quarter:
  • Kevin Garnett actually uses his drop step and makes an offensive move towards the basket, and not away.
  • Chauncey Billups (hamstring) waddles towards the opening tip like the kid with the "glandular problem" in gym class
  • Ray Allen gets lost on his way to the arena
  • Rasheed Wallace stabs an official in the heart
  • A trail of dust and smoke follows in the wake of Rajon Rondo (better seen in HD)
If all of these things occur, then the C's are guaranteed to win. If not, then it'll be a nailbiter, though probably still fun as hell to watch.

Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Flip Saunders performs a double back handspring on the sidelines to the soothing strains of Yanni, changing his name to "Prepubescent Female Gymnast Saunders."

Serious Prediction of the Night: C's win an extremely close game, possibly in the waning seconds and/or overtime. Detroit's guards should look better than they did Tuesday night, but conversely, the Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen should start making actual shots at some point in these playoffs. I'm thinking that both occur tonight and cancel each other out, leaving the C's superior frontcourt to outplay Detroit's lesser big men. Garnett goes for 25-10, Pierce scores 20 and Allen (shock!) has at least 15 in a C's win.

2 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Dammit, GHABBY, you weren't supposed to be FUNNIER than me!

/quits blog

futuremrsrickankiel said...

HOLY SHIT RAY ALLEN! HE'S ALIIIIIVEEEEE!!

...does this mean he's a zombie?