Red Sox v. Royals, 7:05 pm. Boston fans and filthy-minded headline writers rejoice: The Colon has arrived! Yes, Bartolo Colon has been called up at long last from AAA, where the generously-proportioned righty posted a 2-0 record with a 0.64 ERA over 3 starts. Last night’s hero, Justin Masterson, was sent packing back down to the minors to make room for Colon in the Sox bullpen. (Maybe they should send TWO guys down to make sure there’s enough room! Because he’s so fat! BAHAHA) It’s always fun, and by fun I mean nerve-wracking, to see how one of Theo’s gambles will play out. Colon has looked good so far, but tubby washed-up Cy Young winners haven’t been treating us well as of late. Still, a career record of 146-95 with batters only averaging .259 against him is pretty neat. EMBRACE THE COLON! Bartolo will be facing Royals righty Brett Tomko at Fenway this evening. WHY DO ALL THE ROYALS PITCHERS HAVE SUCH TERRIBLE FACIAL HAIR?! Tune in this evening to find out*.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Sox experience game delays in the 4th inning when it is revealed that Colon has eaten all of the baseballs in the clubhouse after mistaking them for Sno Balls. Because he’s so fat, you see.
Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need. The headline “Colon Solid In Debut” appears in newspapers everywhere; several porn stars assume it is about their most recent feature and are deeply upset upon learning it is not. FUCK even my serious prediction turned frivolous tonight. I just can’t handle all the Colon! ACK!!
/implodes, snickering, in smoldering pile of hack jokes and innuendo
* seriously, if you can shed any insight into this please let me know, because I am baffled