Monday, May 5, 2008

APNDR Issues Apology For "Mistakes", Continues To Deny Heavy Ambien Use


A Pimp Named DaveR (center) and his posse


(AP) NATICK, MA: Saying he had made "mistakes" in his blogging life, A Pimp Named DaveR apologized to his family and the interweblog public on Monday.

In his first public comments since a drugged-out post comparing the transiently-non-hitting Red Sox to a made-up pig, the former and current Deadspin commenter issued a statement that did not detail what those mistakes were.

APNDR did take the opportunity to deny that he had an affair with country singer Mindy McCready, as was reported by sports blog Walkoff Walk. He also said that he had not taken sleep-enhancing drugs.

"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media," APNDR said in the statement. "Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, such as asserting that I may or may not have overreacted to a small-sample-sized home series with Toronto in freezing-cold late April weather, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my blogging life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

APNDR's statement was first reported by the Smart Shopper Coupon Clipper Weekend Special Edition.

Citing anonymous sources, Walkoff Walk reported that APNDR "carried on a decade-long affair with country star Mindy McCready, a romance that began when McCready was a 15-year-old aspiring singer performing in a karaoke bar and APNDR was the same worthless jocksniffer he is today."

In the statement, APNDR said: "Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a fifteen-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false. Like the accusation that I didn't want the Red Sox to explode and outscore the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 26-10 in a three-game weekend sweep, including a 12-4 drubbing of fast-rising James Shields on Saturday night in the drizzle."

APNDR refused to reveal the reason for public declaration but concluded: "I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of -- namely, jumping to conclusions in a drugged-out haze and banging skeezy teenagers -- but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do. I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private."

APNDR's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, said Friday he will talk with his client about whether to proceed with his defamation suit against the little pink Christina Aguillera monsters APNDR claims are following around and biting him, following a wave of unpleasant publicity.

"He's getting pummeled," Hardin said. "I've never seen somebody get beat up like this. In some ways, I think we're on uncharted ground."

The decision on whether to drop the suit rests with APNDR.

"That's always a decision the client has to make," Hardin said. "That's not the lawyer's decision."

(With apologies to ESPN.....)

2 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I sincerely hope C-SPAN has plans to televise your inevitable Senate committee hearing...

soju said...

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