Thursday, May 1, 2008

Abandon the Fort!!!!

Aerial view of Ft. Myers, FL

Sources (i.e. the AP) are reporting that the Red Sox are conducting preliminary investigations about moving their spring training home out of Southwest Florida to... um... well, another part of Southwest(ish) Florida, namely Sarasota.

Sarasota? Really? That's the best you can do, guys? The gateway to Bradenton?

Now, I haven't been to spring training since, um... well, it's been a while, but can't you find some place with, you know, other attractions? At least Winter Haven had Cypress Gardens right next door, as well as easy access to Orlando. What does Sarasota have? Circus freaks?

Not only that, but the Sarasota facilities are... used. The 'Sota was the home of the White Sox for, like, forever, until the mid-'90s, when expansion somehow caused every MLB team to start playing musical chairs with their spring training sites, and the Other Sox split for Tucson. Since then, Ed Smith Stadium has been the kept bitch of the Reds, who are now planning to dump this hussy for the hot piece of action that is Goodyear, AZ. The Sox wouldn't be moving into "their" digs, oh no no no, sir. The road they plan to travel is one that has been trod many times, if you catch my meaning.

Artist's Conception: What Sarasota Would Look Like If It Were A Chick

No, I beseech thee, O Jerry Remy, powerless figurehead of Red Sox Nation, stop this frivolity right now. The Sox deserve to have their own spring/minor league complex, a la Dodgertown, not some used-up whore of a park in Retired Stripperville. And I know the perfect spot.

Weeki Wachee, baby! Why? Let me list the reasons....
  • (1) MERMAIDS!!!!!
  • (2) The Sox could, as noted above, build a new complex to their specifications.
  • (3) Close proximity to Busch Gardens and some outstanding gentlemen's clubs in the Tampa Bay area.
  • (4) FREAKIN' MERMAIDS!!!!!!!
I believe my case has been made. Get on this, Remy. Those mermaids aren't getting any younger.


Jack said...

hilarious. Love the Chicka-sota shot. (Swimming with manatees in Crystal River is a fun post-Spring Training activity, not too far from 'Sota.)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Blech. If we wanted other players' used digs, wouldn't we just hire Alyssa Milano as a bench coach? ZING!

Also, DaveR, it wasn't very nice of you to use a picture of Sean's mom in this post. Did you check with him before you did that?


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Sean's mom looks like a colonial stockade???