Of course that might also have something do to with the team no longer having players like Cal Ripken, Jim Palmer, Dennis and Tippy Martinez, Eddie Murray, Rick Dempsey, Mike Cuellar, Paul Blair, Al Bumbry, Mike Boddicker, and Mike Flanagan anymore.... but I blame the ornithologically-correct bird.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Of course that might also have something do to with the team no longer having players like Cal Ripken, Jim Palmer, Dennis and Tippy Martinez, Eddie Murray, Rick Dempsey, Mike Cuellar, Paul Blair, Al Bumbry, Mike Boddicker, and Mike Flanagan anymore.... but I blame the ornithologically-correct bird.
It was a cold summer in Boston prior to the 1993 Season. The Pats had just finished another terrible season under Coach Dick MacPherson (now fired), and they had an owner who had no intentions of actually running the team. Morale in the locker room and the fan base was at an all-time low. Would Boston still have a football team? What the hell was going on in Foxborough? There were big changes brewing for this young team, a new string of talent was brought into Foxborough, brought in by the keen eye of the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells. The organization itself also had a big change. Gone was Pat Patriot the famous old school logo of the Pats, replaced by what seemingly looked like the Old Man on the Mountain.
With the first pick in the first round, the Pats made the first move that would impact the future of this organization, they drafted Drew McQueen Bledsoe. There was debate over who the Pats should take with this pick, Bledsoe or the equally talented Rick Mirer. Luckily the Pats took Bledsoe with the pick, who struggled in his first season as a starter but helped the Pats increase their win total from 2 to 5. Arguably the best game of the season for Bledsoe was against the Colts, where he threw for 400 yards in a 38-0 ass whooping. Bledsoe was a "gunslinger" -- a guy who could launch the ball down the field and win games on just his arm alone (at this point we had no idea how immobile he was). Finally the Pats could stop playing musical chairs behind the ass of the center. They had a stable QB who gave them a chance to win.
Not only was Bledsoe good, but his presence was making an impact on the team as well. The team started off slow again, going 1-11 through the first 13 weeks, but with some comfort in learning Parcells' system came some success for Bledsoe, as he won the last four games in a row. Another rookie, Vincent Brisby, and up-and-coming TE Ben Coates became the favorite targets of young Bledsoe. Leonard Russell also shook off the injury bug and went on to have a terrific season, with over 1,000 yards rushing. And on the defensive side of the ball, another rookie, Chris Slade, opened eyes with his 9 sacks. Even with a final record of 5-12, the season was a marked improvement over the shitshow the previous year.
The Bad and the Ugly
Looking at the 1992 season breakdown, I realized someone was left off who needed to be addressed: Eugene Chung. The Pats needed a lineman to match up with Bruce Armstrong in '92, there were a bevy of potential linemen on the board when their slot came up. The Pats had traded down earlier in the day, but saw a need, and traded back up as Chung was still on the board. He was fat, overweight, slow, and wasn't very good in college. Many analysts saw him dropping into later rounds. But the Pats wanted him -- they saw him as a project that could translate into the pros and traded up to get him, losing most of their other picks. Well, he didn't. He played two seasons with the Pats before they decided the project needed to be aborted. Chung sucked his way around 7 other teams before hanging it up for good. To be fair, though, that first round was terrible : Steve Emtmann went 1, Quentin Coryatt 2, and David Klinger 6. Jesus that draft was terrible
Song of the Year I Will Always Love You - by Whitney Houston.
Fuck this song, fuck the movie it was in. This song was all over the radio in 1993, as our favorite coke fiend belted herself to all sorts of awards. The song has the tone of something that prison guards at Gitmo would play to torture their inmates. It's loud, annoying and stupid. This was one of the first songs as a youngster that made me lunge towards the front of the car when it came on. It would have been nice if Bobby Brown had introduced her to his lifestyle earlier then he did, just to spare us all this shit.
Movie of the Year Jurassic Park.
I loved this movie. It was a friggin kick-ass special effects blockbuster with dinosaurs that scared the ever-loving shit out of you. Looking at it now, those effects are still pretty cutting edge. The dinosaurs looked real, like something you could find in your back yard. I must have seen this movie three or four times in the theater, and those raptors scared the crap out of me every time. Best scene in JP: when the T. Rex breaks out of the pen and starts ripping crap up, knocking over the car, beating the shit out of Jeff Goldblum and eating the lawyer who was sitting on the crapper. Getting eaten by a dinosaur while taking a shit has become my #1 phobia.
Football is lauded as the league of where anything can happen, and sometimes it does. The 2001 Patriots are a prime example of this, they were a team that for years had been "decent", they had a good QB but they were never expected to do what they did that year. Every year we hear the question, who is going to come out of nowhere and make a run at the Super Bowl. But lets be realistic here, there are at least five teams with absolutely no shot of even getting into the playoffs this year. They were bad teams last year, and did little to help themselves in the draft, and FA/Trade, so logically they will continue to suck this year. Agree? Disagree? Let me hear it...
1. Miami Dolphins- Drafting Jake Long was a solid move in the right direction, and there is no doubt that the Tuna will get this team in the right direction eventually but this team is going to suck again this year. Who is going to be their QB this year? Josh McCown? Chad Henne? Beck? Three options, none of them are going to make much of an impact. Can anyone actually name a WR not named Ted Ginn Jr? WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING WR? They might sneak a few wins against the equally bad Jets or the Bills, but you can count on Ricky Williams to also completely fuck up the season as he decides to be a minister in a Southern Baptist church.
Event more likely to happen then the Dolphins making the playoffs: Britney Spears and Rob Schneider sex tape leaked to the public.
2. Washington Redskins- Bad bad football team here. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that they are going to dwell at the bottom of the NFC East. They got rid of Grandpa Joe but this team is still stacked with holes. They had ZERO first round draft picks, and picked a bunch of WR's in the second round. They failed to trade for Chad Johnson, and this will just be another team for Dan Snyder to completely fuck up.I love Clinton Portis, but he is injured all the time, and there is no way this team is going to contend with the likes of Dallas or NY with Rock Cartwright (wasn't he a character on Ponderosa?) and Ladell Betts in the backfield.
Event more likely to happen then the Redskins making the playoffs: Barry Bonds is vindicated of all steroid allegation and perjury charges, returning to the MLB to become the ambassador to the game.
3. Carolina Panthers- Yeah they made the Super Bowl five years ago with the same QB, but Jake Delhomme is a fraud. He was stacked with great WR's that year and I think Eric Crouch could have hit Steve Smith in some of those games. But those years are long gone, along with the years of the great Carolina defenses. It's now Julius Peppers and a bunch of schlubs, and a terrible secondary. Steve Smith is toast, Delhomme is done, bye bye Panthers.
Event more likely to happen then the Panthers making the playoffs: CNN gets the live feed as Tupac Shakur comes out of hiding in Salt Lake City, Utah. He explains that he hid because he was tired of the BS, and wanted to go to the one place no one would ever expect a black person to hide.
4. NY Jets- Maybe this will be the year that piece of shit Mangini finally gets fired. He still has a QB battle on his between Noodledick Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens, only thing is, both of them blow. Doesn't matter who you start, the team is still bad and you have no chance of winning more games than you won last year. They did a great job solidifying the offense line with Alan Faneca, and Damien Woody but their offense will still stutter. Please fire Mangini.
Event more likely to happen then the Jets making the playoffs: Rachel Ray removes her skin to reveal that she is in fact a monster from the distant galaxy of Xiabor. She tells her shocked audience "TRAW GHRA LORBAO CRULL MAO!" (translation: "I will devour your soul!!"
5. Detroit Lions- HEY MATT MILLEN DIDNT DRAFT A WR IN THE FIRST ROUND!!!!!! He did however waste that pick on Gosder Cherilus my boy from BC when there were much better OL on the board. But for a team with a terrible defense, they did nothing to improve in the off season, other than move their best defender to another team. Jon Kitna can pray that he wins 10 games again, but lord this is not going to happen.
Event more likely to happen then the Lions making the playoffs:GHABY! actually sees Sex and the City the Movie.
Come to our school it is FABULOUS!!!!!!!
* Kobe Bryant beats Spurs. Even with Duncan triple double the Spurs could not muster up enough offense to hold a 17 point lead in LA. Bryant was a one man show, scoring 39 points including 17 in the fourth quarter. In related news Jack Nicholson was admitted to the hospital with an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
* Randy Johnson took over Roger Clemens as #2 on the all time strikeout list, Johnson also holds the record for most penis jokes related to his name/nickname. However Johnson still trails Clemens in # of underaged country singers banged. Big Useless's effort was wasted however as Randy Winn blasts a home run in a 4-3 Giants win.
* Thought about commenting on the Giant Super Bowl ring ceremony, but was hit with a wave of nausea. Instead, Junior Seau will wait to decide whether or not to play his 56th season until training camp.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
No games tonight! The Sox are dragging their asses back from a demoralizing 1-5 trip to the West Coast while the Celtics are HOPEFULLY huddled in a bunker somewhere performing the intricate series of calculations required to demonstrate to them that IF WE WIN THE NEXT GAME WE GET TO GO TO THE FINALS. A night of rest is due us all.
“But FutureMrs, without your nightly recommendations and predictions I am but a lost fragment of humanity, drifting endlessly and aimlessly through the vast and lonely wasteland of a Thursday night!”
Fear not, beloveds. Plenty of watchin’ tonight. NESN will be re-running the Buchholz and Lester no-hitters back-to-back starting at 6:00 pm. I’ve seen the Lester game re-aired twice already and still had tears in my eyes in the 9th both times. Afterwards, I recommend catching the new Reno 911! at 10:30. Reno 911! is pretty much the only non-animated TV show I watch on a regular basis. Does that mean I have approximately the attention span and maturity level of a 7-year-old on a sugar bender? Perhaps, but you should tune in tonight nonetheless.
Oh also there is some damn basketball game or other playing but I hate both of the teams involved with the scorching heat of a thousand alien suns so you won’t hear a word on that garbage from me.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Adam Hall finally realizes his dream of becoming a Conservatory-trained dancer when Mario Lemieux discovers him dancing at Mawby’s and takes him under his wing.
Serious prediction of the night: This man’s wife will divorce him.
So a funny thing happened on the way to watching last night’s Game 5 Epic Win of Awesomeness. I sorta, kinda, maybe missed 3/4ths of the game to stare at a shirtless 53-year-old man doing high leg kicks while wearing a ten-gallon pirate hat.
(Credit to BSMW commenter Funkhouser for pointing out the similarity.....)
Stepping in for HazelMaesLandingStrip this morning while he buys duvet covers and wonders aloud whether to hyphenate his name after the wedding. Can I say cock and shit in this column? Whoops, looks like I just did.
Sweet holy lord, this man is our elected leader.
*Red Sox lose 1-0 to the Mariners, to put their West Coast record at 0-9387393292. Bob Gibson defeated Sandy Koufax to get the win.Sox are now 1.5 games behind the Rays, who are rapidly progressing past "pesky" and towards "seriously, cut it the fuck out, it's not cute anymore." Canadian Crippler Erik Bedard two-hit our local nine, and immediately gained entry into the Hart Foundation.
*Meanwhile, Mothra is getting an MRI on his shoulder. Apparently swatting city buildings and telephone poles is tiresome on the ball-and-socket joints. One word of advice though for ol' Dice-K: always take the optional sleep mask when getting your MRI. Not only can you doze off while inside the tube, but hey, free sleep mask!
*Celtics took Game 5 in an epic un-fail of a game. I'll have more on it later, but apt comparisons could certainly be made between the game and, say, the first time you had a Kelly's Roast Beef sandwich (sauce, tomato and mayo, natch). Both were utterly glorious from beginning to end, involved the very real threat of about fifteen heart attacks, and your hands are mysteriously sticky when the whole thing is over. Weird.
* Sidney Crosby is made aware that the Stanley Cup Finals have started, then scores two goals simply by willing them in. Kristen Bell is nonplussed. Penguins win, and the game may have even beat out a rerun of "Legend of the Hidden Temple" on Nick GAS.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Celtics v. Pistons, 8:30 pm. Megasigh. I'll say this: the Celtics have certainly looked much more like a team that belongs in the playoffs during this series with Detroit. Problem is, we look like a team that deserves to be eliminated this far in. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what the most frustrating aspect of Monday night's game was -- the 32% shooting on the night? The utter lack of flow in play due to the massive numbers of fouls being committed? -- but I think I've put my finger on it: it's this team's utter lack of urgency. Doc Rivers can slam his team's supposed lack of aggression all he wants, but the fact is he's not coaching them to play like winners, and they're not goddamn playing like winners. A team should not pull its starters in the final minutes of a fucking Conference Finals game EVEN IF THEY'RE LOSING any more than a team should continue to drive to the basket when an opposing team's' defense is clearly enforcing a no-layups rule EVEN IF THEY MAKE THE FREETHROWS. Accepting the inevitable -- benching your starters, drawing the fouls you know are coming -- is exactly the opposite of what a winning team does. DON'T PLAY THEIR FUCKING GAME.
Anyhoodle, the Celts are back in town with the series tied at 2 looking to parlay some of that home cooking into a win tonight. Here's hoping James Posey can light a fire under his teammates' asses tonight. You be that flame, James Posey. BE THE FLAME.
Red Sox v. Mariners, 10:10 pm. Still futzing around in second place behind the (goddamn) Tampa Bay Rays, the Sox return to dingy Safeco Field to try and eke out a series win against the (goddamn) Mariners. MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING NIGHTLY PREVIEW EVER. Tim Wakefield (3-3, 5.19), who was simply awful in his last outing against the A's, will attempt to redeem himself against Canadian Erik Bedard (3-3, 4.70), who is really quite good but has the same record as Wakefield so far this year. Oh, right... because he plays for a ridiculously shitty team! Bahahaha. Heh. I feel better now. These late-night West Coast games are killing me, incidentally. I feel like I'm OWED a Sox win for staying up to watch them. Come on, guys!
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Erik Bedard is caught by security at Sea-Tac Airport for trying to sneak back with the Red Sox rolled up in Manny Ramirez' Transformers sleeping bag in a desperate bid to spend the last few good years he has left playing for a contender.
Serious prediction of the night: Really, all my bitching and moaning aside, I think the Celtics are going to return to the Garden with their eyes on the prize and fire in their bellies. (I think you can take, like, Pepto-Bismol for that, dudes.) I'm predicting another high-scoring game with the Celts ultimately winning by 12. Let's say 110-98 just to be sexy.
Huge ups to longtime Mass Hysteria friend Grimey at LOL Jocks for the Posey picture and caption.
Well if I were a gambling man, I would absolutely stay the fuck away from tonight's C's/Pistons Game 5, live from the sanitary confines of the Shawmut FleetCenter TD Banknorth Salem Five Cents Danvers Savings Bank Garden Centre Arena Place of Sports N'Stuff. Do Not. Bet On. This Game. Don't touch it with Betty White's dick.
Now, one may disagree with me given the Chalk-y nature of the 2008 playoffs, and would jump to the seemingly logical conclusion that the top-seeded Celtics, playing at home, would resume their trend of "looking better in white than even Diddy."Those gamblers however are forgetting one very important factor in making their donation to the United Sicilian College Fund: Doc Rivers is prominently involved.
Look, the C's should win tonight. They're at home. The Pistons' best player this series has had more knee surgeries than Mark Schlereth. Garnett has been dominant. Billups is clearly hurt. Rondo plays MUCH better at home. Ray Allen has even started to look "not nearly as deceased" in the last two games.
But...Doc Rivers is involved. And because of this, things like "Sam Cassell playing 16 minutes despite not having a single point or assist" occur. "Leon Powe playing exactly one minute in the last two games despite having the 7th best PER of all PFs in the league" has happened. Even "P.J. Brown playing 95 minutes in the last five games despite only playing 208 minutes all goddamned season" took place.
I'm not necessarily going to completely blame Doc for Monday's suck-fest (which was the single most boring and painful-to-watch basketball game I've ever seen that didn't involve Pat Riley or John Starks), but the sumbitch certainly didn't help. If your team is struggling to shoot 30% from the field, ya think you might want to put in designated shooter Eddie House? If your shooting guard is having another one of his zombie-riffic shooting performances, why leave him in for 38 minutes? If a 33-year-old center with three bad knees is the opposition's only reliable scoring option, wouldn't it be prudent to utilize your Defensive Player of the Year in stopping him? No, of course not, you deserve some rest.
I guess we can take solace in one thing however: Doc's kid just transferred to Indiana, which currently has three players on scholarship. "Lack of desire to win basketball games" must be a genetic trait.
On behalf of the entire Gamera organization, I'd like to send my heartfelt condolences to Mothra's recently-laid clutch of eggs, his/her wife Rocket, and all those tiny people on that tropical island who worship him/her. My sweet friend was 8-0 with a 2.40 ERA before last night's tragic vanquishing, and we will all miss his/her stoic ability to fly and shoot laser beams from his/her eyes.
Walking zombie nightmare Mi-ke Timlin-san surrendered on behalf of the Monster Islanders after 9 days of battle, leaving the Mariners triumphant.
And I blame Hurricane Katrina on Catwoman ...
* Godzilla & Rodan slay Mothra! Well not really, unless Godzilla is a fatigued shoulder and Rodan is Mike Timlin. FMRA was right again on her prop bets, as Manny FINALLY blasts #499, and I was right that somehow the Sox would struggle to hit the abysmal Miggy Batista, Sox fall to the M's 4-3.
* It could be worse though, you could be the Yankees. Spotted with leads of 4-0, and later 8-4
* Time is running out for the Spurs as they lost at home to the Lakers by 2. The Spurs had a chance but
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Red Sox v. Mariners, 10:10 pm. Worth staying up late for this one, as Daisuke Matsuzaka (MOTHRA!!! also 8-0, 2.40) goes for Win #9 against Seattle. A win tonight will tie him with Brandon Webb, the league's current leader in wins but 0-2 over his last 2 starts SPECIFICALLY AND EXCLUSIVELY BECAUSE I JUST TRADED JACOBY ELLSBURY FOR HIM IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE. Ahem. The Angels' Joe Saunders is the only other pitcher with 8 wins on the season, but he's not pitching tonight so sucks for him. Miguel Batista (3-6 with an unbelivably depressing 6.47 ERA) will take the mound for Seattle. Please note that the banner on the Mariners' website currently reads, "Mojo Rising." Um, I beg to differ. Unless by "mojo" they mean "likelihood of finishing the season with the worst record in the league." Seattle's best hope for tonight is Yuniesky Betancourt, who batted .364 with a home run over 11 plate appearances against Dice-K last year.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Midway through the 3rd inning, Dice-K mutters "let's blow this sake stand" to Ichiro Suzuki from the mound; the two round up Ken Johjima and Hideki Okajima and hit up The Golden Banana and are all found passed out in the middle of Route 1 tomorrow morning. Best. Spring. Break. EVER!
Serious prediction of the night: Number 499 for Manny. He's due.
Disclaimer: I have no idea whether or not the caption of that picture actually says something filthy in Japanese. It kinda seems like it might. If I've inadvertently offended any native Japanese speakers, please accept my apologies in the form of this pair of used schoolgirl panties.
What’s worse than waking up with a Memorial Day hangover? Waking up half a game under those lovable but oh-so-frustrating rascals from Tampa Bay in the AL East standings, that’s what. That’s right, friends and lovers. Yesterday morning wasn’t pretty. Thankfully, a game against the 18-33 Seattle Seamen (heh) served as hair-o-the-dog for the Sox, who were able to get to Felix Hernandez in the 8th for the 5-3 win.You want to know how goddamn depressing the 2008 Mariners are? They don’t even have a sponsored page on Baseball-Reference.com.
And yet here we are, still half a game back in the division and significantly worse for the wear after this weekend. To blame for the sudden slip in standings? (Sexy!) A sweep by the
It happens. The A’s are a hot young team with something to prove, and, aside from serving as great subject matter for 80s sports movies, such teams are probably likely to perform their best against the big names. Not to mention the obvious fact that we are knit and possibly dirty footwear, while they are elephants. NO FAIR, say I! Howevah, I think the obvious lesson from this weekend is that while no-hitters are nice and hot young pitching prospects are easy on the eyes, the Boston pitching rotation still leaves quite a bit to be desired, and will take some gelling before we’re ready to lock down the division in earnest. One ray of sunshine was the solid pitching performance from Beckett on Saturday; Beckett let up just two runs on 7 hits over 7.0 innings while fanning 9. Too bad the Red Sox apparently forgot the meaning of the phrase “run support.” IT MEANS YOU HIT BALLS SO YOUR TEAM CAN WIN THE GAME YOU DUMMIES. Still, there’s a lot of work to be done before the Sox find their Money Five for the season.
Do these pirates talk like Keith Richards too?
* DEEEEETROOOOIIITTTTT BASKEEEETBALL. Mason get out of my head. The corpse of Antonio McDyess comes up huge, Celtics plan of not guarding him at all backfires, smug factor for stealing game 3 does not come into play. C's lose big.
* Colon comes up big. As most of Red Sox nation tunes in to the Celtics game or sleeping, Sox break 7 game road losing streak. Sox win 5-3.
* The Detroit Hockey Team beat the Pittsburgh Hockey team to take a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals. Steve Yzerman was not a factor in this game.
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Sox are facing Harden, Justin Duchscherer, and Joe Blanton in this series and are countering with Wakefield, Josh Beckett, and Jon Lester. Should be an interesting weekend.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Ah crap. Where do I go with this? Do I make a “Frank Thomas Is Old” joke? Do I make the obvious “Rich Harden Will Injure Himself” crack? Nah, I think I’ll exact revenge for yesterday and predict that Kevin Ca$h will find a way to strike out 5 times in 4 at-bats. SKANKS.
Serious prediction of the night: David Ortiz’s career average against Harden is .625 over 8 at-bats, including 2 home runs. I bet Papi knocks Dickie around for a bunch of RBIs and extra base hits. Hell, maybe even a home run. Will he call the placement of his home run in advance and thereby piss off the Yankees even more? WATCH AND FIND OUT!
Happy long weekend, everyone! Hopefully one or more of us will be around at some point, so feel free to stop by. Virtually, that is. Please don't actually show up at my apartment. Unless you have cake and beer.
Blame for last night's 103-97 loss to Detroit could be (and has been) placed on a number of things – poor defense, the referees, Rondo's unwillingness to shoot something other than a layup - but one thing will probably be overlooked in the sea of analysis you'll encounter this morning:
The Pistons are really, really good.
They're good on offense, and they're good on defense. They're good at drawing fouls, and they're good at making free throws. They strategize extremely well, and carry those plans out with precision. They shoot, they rebound, and they force turnovers. They even win, and do so often. This comes as shocking news to novice C's fans, who had assumed since October that the Celtics were the only team in the NBA that was actually winning basketball games. In fact, the Pistons have been winning games for a while, which explains their upset win over the Lakers a few years back and six straight Eastern Conference Finals appearances.
The Pistons’ goodness was the difference between last night and the C’s other playoff defeats. The Celtics lost those games to
“IHATEYOURAYALLENANDHOPEYOUDIEOFFACECANCER” at my (newly refurbished!) television, and “wow, that other team is amazing.” It’s subtle, but I think you can catch it.
- RAY ALLEN LIVES!!! The Sneering Corpse himself came back to life last night, thanks, no doubt, to some combination of Disney animatronics and voodoo zombie magic. Ordinarily I’m pretty stringently anti-zombie, since I don’t like having my brains eaten, but any zombie that can shoot like that from beyond the arc is fine in my book. The
sensuously handsomereanimated Allen exploded for 25 points and the Big Three on the whole looked stellar, combining for a whopping 75 points. Unfortunately, the Detroit Pistons are one of the best playoff teams of the decade, and the roaring crowds at the Garden were reminded of that last night. Rip Hamilton handed in a monster performance, and 6 Pistons hit double-digits in points scored last night. The Celts valiantly attempted a come-from-behind (giggity) win, pulling to within 4 with 0:41 on the clock thanks in part to a spectacular 3-pointer by Ray “Give Me Brains” Allen, but ultimately Detroit held on for the 103-97 win. No one thought this series would be easy, and honestly I’m glad the whole home court mystique has been shattered and we’re back to playing real live fight-to-the-death basketball. Both teams looked great last night, and this is going to be a hell of a series.
- Meanwhile, the hated Yanks were busy getting their panties up in a bunch about David Ortiz’s latest planned promotion: a Home Run Derby event in which one lucky fan will have the chance to call the location of Papi’s next home run at
shitty, run-downhallowed Yankee Stadium and thus be entered to win a Chevy Tahoe or some damn thing. I don’t even really understand how it works, but apparently the Yanks don’t like it. I guess because Babe Ruth used to do the same thing means that no one else should ever be allowed to do it. From the New York Times:
But the Yankees do not seem as if they want Ortiz to take that swing. The Yankees were upset about the plans involving Ortiz and said they were unaware of the promotion until a reporter contacted them Thursday night. The Yankees were discussing the matter internally and planning to contact Major League Baseball for an explanation.
Maybe we shouldn’t let baseball players be fat, hit triples, or bang chicks anymore, either. You know, in honor of Babe Ruth. GUHHHH I hate the fucking Yankees. Guess last place is pretty boring, huh guys?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Celtics vs. Pistons Game 2, 8:30: While the C's got off to a boneriffic start on Tuesday, those efforts can be for naught with a bed-shitting in tonight's Game 2. If you've been in a bunker for the last three weeks (and if you have, I don't blame you, for the Ruskie Menace is real and here), you may not have heard that the C's are slightly good at home in these playoffs, and slightly dogshit on the road. Ergo, home wins are necessary so long as road wins are NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND.
*twitchingly shovels Flexerall into expectant mouth*
I'm remotely confident in a win tonight, both because of the home surroundings and the fact that the C's rocked sweet balls and could do no wrong on Tuesday. If they play like that every game, they can beat the Pistons, Lakers, and Tawny Kitaen, all at the same time.C's fans (who are then divided into groups of "those who enjoy the intensity of Kevin Garnett" and "those who liked Larry Bird cause he wasn't one of the Mud People") should know very quickly how tonight's game will go, based on whether the following things occur in the first quarter:
- Kevin Garnett actually uses his drop step and makes an offensive move towards the basket, and not away.
- Chauncey Billups (hamstring) waddles towards the opening tip like the kid with the "glandular problem" in gym class
- Ray Allen gets lost on his way to the arena
- Rasheed Wallace stabs an official in the heart
- A trail of dust and smoke follows in the wake of Rajon Rondo (better seen in HD)
Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Flip Saunders performs a double back handspring on the sidelines to the soothing strains of Yanni, changing his name to "Prepubescent Female Gymnast Saunders."
Serious Prediction of the Night: C's win an extremely close game, possibly in the waning seconds and/or overtime. Detroit's guards should look better than they did Tuesday night, but conversely, the Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen should start making actual shots at some point in these playoffs. I'm thinking that both occur tonight and cancel each other out, leaving the C's superior frontcourt to outplay Detroit's lesser big men. Garnett goes for 25-10, Pierce scores 20 and Allen (shock!) has at least 15 in a C's win.
Ahem. Follow along with MLB Gameday here. Hurrah for afternoon baseball!
I can not believe it, I just got 35 million dollars, time to go shopping!
Wow guys, I just got a lot of money from the Atlanta Falcons, and the best part is most of it is guaranteed, meaning it will go straight in my pockets. WOOOOOOHOOOOO, sorry for the excitement but I just can't help it! My mother called and said that I should be wise and invest some of it, and by golly I think she brings up a good point, but come on I'm a white, blue collared type of guy I need to go shopping! There are so many things that I never could afford, but I am going to make up for that lost time right now gosh darn it!
My Shopping List by Matty Ryan:
*Ooooh I want a Saab, or a Volvo! A real nice one that is real good on gas mileage, maybe a hybrid I hear those are green and good for the environment and that is something Matty Ice is real concerned about. Nothing too flashy though, I want my car to be different than Joe Horn's and Mikey Jenkins (we are on a nickname basis now, I call him Mikey he calls me Rookie), they have all those big rims and tinted windows, I just want a car that has a CD Deck so I can listen to my new Rascal Flatts album!
*Its about time that I get a wardrobe makeover, no more Super fan shirts and pajama pants for me I am a star now! Woooooo. Maybe I could find a homosexual fashion designer to pick out my wardrobe for me! I know many of my catholic friends at BC will look down at me, but I will look so ROCKING MAN! Argyle shirts, and khaki slacks, with some nice loafers! I plan on racking up huge bills at the Gap, Banana Republic and JCrew. My style will be so rad that the NFL won't know what hit them!
* My friends are going to think I am so cool when I get TWO new XBox's for my pad (that's what I call my apartment). Im going to get that Guitar Hero game too, because I would be totally dope at that!
*I hope that Dave Matthews or Jimmy Buffett is coming down to Atlanta this summer because now I can finally afford tickets to his show! I could bring all my boys with me and we could totally get front row tickets, maybe grab a few beers, with back stage passes of course. I bet the show will be so awesome that I will end up buying a really nice acoustic guitar that I could serenade my teammates with songs all season long!
* Looking the mirror this morning I realized something, I am not as hot as I could be. I think its about that time I take a flight over to California and get Dr. Lichenstein over on Rodeo Drive to see how I could upgrade my face. I'm thinking a little nose job, maybe some collagen, and an overall re-do of this whole bad boy every time Im at the club girls will have to look at me! Now that I'm rich, I will be the IT guy down south, girls like Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Carrie Underwood will be begging for my phone number. Hold onto Jessica tight Tony, I'm on the prowl! GRRRRRRRR....(that was my tiger sound) I will be getting tons of ass in no time.
It's great being Matty Ryan!!!!!!111!!!!
Wow, being rich is going to be AWESOME!
Come on Felix....Let's Go Fido...
*Colon strong for Red Sox. Despite exploding out of hisuniform, the former Cy Young Winner looked strong, Varitek and Ellsbury fuled the offense. FutureMrsRickAnkiel's prediction comes true and for the first time in history a woman was right. Sox win 6-3.
* The transition of "WHAT A JOB-A BY JOBA" Chamberlain to a starter began last night, as the Yankees pounced on the Orioles. Hows that Hughes-Kennedy vs Lester/Buchholz comparison looking now? Oh and there may be more Red Sox crap buried under the new Yankee Stadium, this time no one will know where.
* Bill Parcells has no room on his team for sissies.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need.
Colon pitched 5 complete innings, then was yanked for Craig Hansen. He let up 2 runs on 6 hits. Tomko got knocked around for 5 runs on 7 hits, including 2 HRs, and the Sox won the game.
Damn I'm good.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Sox experience game delays in the 4th inning when it is revealed that Colon has eaten all of the baseballs in the clubhouse after mistaking them for Sno Balls. Because he’s so fat, you see.
Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need. The headline “Colon Solid In Debut” appears in newspapers everywhere; several porn stars assume it is about their most recent feature and are deeply upset upon learning it is not. FUCK even my serious prediction turned frivolous tonight. I just can’t handle all the Colon! ACK!!
/implodes, snickering, in smoldering pile of hack jokes and innuendo
* seriously, if you can shed any insight into this please let me know, because I am baffled
I am telling you for the last time, I have no idea where your cab is
* The Big Four (Garnett, Pierce, Rondo, and PJ Brown) take down the poor shooting Pistons. C's take game one of the Eastern Conference Finals 88- 79 despite Jesus Shuttleworth's best efforts to make it a 5 on 4.
* He can't pitch in Double AA, but he sure looks Master-ful in the majors. Hi-Yo! Sox rookie pitches 6 1/3 stellar innings as he outduels KC Ace(?) Gil Meche. Okajima looks lost again leaving with the bases loaded in the 8th, Papelbon bails him out. Sox win 2-1.
* Ping Pong Balls dropped, and for the first time in years no one in Boston had a vested interest in it! Chicago gets the first pick, even with a 2% chance of getting it, see Celtics fan this shit happens every year. Lesson: Don't tank the end of the season to get a better chance.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Then came tonight.
Tonight was the C's best performance of the playoffs. That's right, I said it. The. Best. Nearly everything that made me love this team during the regular season was on full display tonight, and against a very game Pistons team that wanted this win badly. Most all the hallmarks of the Celtics We Know came out tonight, including the following:
- Ball rotation - The C's ranked third in the league in assist ratio (+3.58/game), a stat made more amazing when taken into account that the two teams ahead of them in those rankings had point guards named Steve Nash and Deron Williams. Without a high-assist point guard, the C's success in that department therefore spoke to everyone's ability to find the open man at all times, asfive Celtics averaged at least 3 assists per game. Tonight showed to be a prime example, as the C's out-assisted the Pistons 27-15. Against a halfcourt defense like Detroit's, finding the open man is key, and the C's ability to do so tonight was a big reason for their win.
- Perimeter defense - Hamilton missed the only three he took tonight, and Billups was held to only nine points. Wallace went 0-3 beyond the arc too, eliminating a weapon they often use. Still, Detroit's success feeds off of their guard play, and those guards were completely locked down tonight. Billups' +/- rating was a minus-18. I will now be sending a bouquet of roses to the doorstep of one Rajon Rondo. In fact...
- Rondo's play - 11 points, seven assists, and five steals in 39 minutes of play. More importantly, Billups seems more hurt than he initially let on, leading to a more confident (few other PGs in the league build off confidence like Rondo does) and defensively alert (five steals!) Rondo.
- Garnett taking high-percentage shots - KG's 26-9-4 stat line was impressive, but what impressed me more was how those stats were accumulated. Garnett generally kept his back to the basket and played like a traditional post against Detroit, and the Pistons were absolutely helpless to stop him (Wallace especially looked OLD on defense). Not coincidentally, "KG staying down low" has a lot to do with the C's winning games, and will especially be a factor in this series.
- The second unit - held onto leads and found different ways to contribute. Leon Powe even made an appearance, though frankly, he should really be playing more. There's nothing that Jason Maxiell can do that Powe can't do better, yet Maxiell gets all the hype. House and PJ Brown looked great as well.
- The Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen - it's sad when the crowd is cheering for him out of pity. He's not even trying to shoot anymore, which is unfortunate, because jump shooting is his only discernable skill. He's a severe liability at this point, and while early-game attempts to get him involved in the offense are cute, they're akin to letting the retarded kid join the kickball game to let him feel involved. At some point very soon, Allen will either have to do a complete 180 or find his ass on the bench for most of the game.
- Antonio McDyess - Dude went for 14 and 11, despite the fact that he's on his eighteenth ACL and is roughly 97 years old. I guess if you're gonna let any Piston beat you it should be McDyess, but still, there's no excuse at all for letting him go 14-11.
- Three-point shooting - Detroit's eventually gonna start hitting their threes, and the C's are going to therefore have to answer them. Shooting 2-9 beyond the arc (0-4 from Pierce) ain't gonna get it done. Allen took only ONE three tonight by the way. He, of course, missed. Because he's a zombie. A sneering zombie.
Look, you can give me all the shit you want about this, but I am going to be honest about this, I think the Pistons are going to beat the Celtics and win this series in 6. Call it a gut feeling, maybe I am just being honest about it. The Celtics are a great team, KG plays with more heart than anyone in the league, and Paul Pierce has one of the best shots in the game. But top to bottom I think this Pistons team is better suited to win this series. Go ahead call me Benedict Arnold, Johnny Damon, or Big Pussy (Sopranos reference), but I hope to god I am wrong.
Reason 1: Ray Allen.
Ray Ray is a gigantic liability going into this series, he isn't shooting his defense is poor, and he looks deflated on the court. In the three games against the Pistons this season Ray has averaged 12 points, mind you this was before he got into his own head and completely fucked his own game up. Jesus Shuttlesworth legs and ankles seem completely shot, like the shocks on my piece of shit Focus. He is getting nothing under his shots, and is leaving a huge hole in our 5.
Reason 2: Chauncey Billups/Rajon Rondo Matchup
Rondo at home has had an excellent post season matching up against Delonte West and Mike Bibby, but neither of them are in the same league physically as Billups. The Pistons offense will exploit this matchup, and look for Billups to have a big series against the C's, injury or not.
Reason 3: The Celtic's Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
I am not going to beat a dead horse here, and go over this again. Sick at home, horseshit on the road. But if the Celtic's play like shit on the road and lose all of their games at the palace, I guarantee the C's will drop one at the Garden. Call me a downer, a doubter, a fraud, whatever, just being realistic here, the Pistons are too good of a team to lose all of their games on the road. The Celtics will HAVE TO beat the Pistons at the Palace to take this series.
Reason 4: The Sudden Disapperance of Sh!tshow
This is a factor that most of the media has not caught on to, but undoubtedly has made adversity tougher on the C's. Show is a major factor to the success of the Celtics, and his spirit has driven the C's in times of doubt. He is gone now, and his absence leaves a huge hole that may be very difficult to fill.
BRING BACK SHITSHOW!
Celtics v. Pistons, 8:30 pm. I literally cannot believe the NBA playoffs are still going on after all I’ve been through already. This is the hot Eastern Conference matchup everyone’s been licking their chops over since the season kicked off, and AHHH NO I DON’T WANNA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
/runs out of room
/is dragged back in
Ok. We have to do this. The Pistons are just one more roadblock on our path to glory, and as scary as it is to face this squad of grizzled playoffs vets, the Celts are fully capable of winning this series. We’re 2-1 against Detroit on the regular season, including the victory that clinched us our earliest-in-the-league playoffs berth on March 5; we dropped a close contest to them in December (it was only our 3rd loss of the season at that point) but beat them in January (IN AN AWAY GAME) and whomped on them in March. Even as we flagged (relatively speaking) towards the end of the season, we performed better against the Pistons. Detroit is nasty and efficient and has an eerily cohesive sense of team unity that no one who isn’t on the team seems to be able to either comprehend or penetrate, but I honest to god think we can beat this team, and beat them hard.
And anyway, what the hell is a piston? Just a fucking piece of engine, is what it is.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: Upwards of 8,000 Red Sox fans -- all of them female -- to be spotted wearing Jon Lester T-shirts at tonight’s game. O AN HE NO-HITTY
Serious prediction of the night: The Celts game will be a battle of point-guard styles -- the speedy, youthful energy of Rajon Rondo against the physical, so-money-in-the-clutch-it-hurts play of [wistful sigh] Chauncey Billups. I’m not going to attach numbers to anything here, but watch this match-up carefully. Either Billups’ defense will shut down Rondo’s ability to run plays and Detroit will take the game, or Rondo will exploit every opening Billups leaves him and explode for 15-20 assists. And Boston will win. Yeah, that second thing. That’s what’s going to happen.
Fun fact: Justin Masterson was born in Kingston, Jamaica. Really?!