Friday, May 30, 2008

Mothra to DL, Local Footwear to Battle Pretty Mid-Atlantic Birds

Your Boston Red Sox return from their west coast debacle road trip tonight, albeit not all the way back to Boston. First up is a four-game spin through the friendly confines of the Yards of Camden (also known as "Affordable Fenway South"), home of one of the worst-run franchises in the major leagues. And after crapping the bed against both a team with a payroll smaller than your shortstop's salary (Oakland) and a team that only recently became aware that the season has actually started (Seattle), what better way to improve your fortunes than an extended series with the Kevin Millar Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings?

The Orioles are, right now, the very definition of "average team." They're roughly in the middle of the AL rankings in virtually every statistic, and sit at precisely .500 with a 26-26 record. Their highest paid players are those immortals of the diamond Aubrey Huff ($8m), Melvin Mora ($7.8M), and Ramon Hernandez ($7.5M), who are hitting .244, .258, and .222 respectively. Their staff ace, Eric Bedard, and lights-out closer, B.J. Ryan, aren't actually playing for the team anymore. And yes, our old friend Kevin plays a significant role on the team. (And has played pretty damn well this year, mind you...) They show up, they play, they win half the time. Sadly enough for Baltimore fans, that's actually an improvement from the last couple of years.

It's been a rough... couple of decades for the fans of the Baltimore American League franchise. Now I'm not saying that karma exists or anything, or that you shouldn't mess with success, or anything of the sort, but I do want to point out that the Birds have won precisely squat since this little fella was whacked and disposed of in the Outer Harbor:

Of course that might also have something do to with the team no longer having players like Cal Ripken, Jim Palmer, Dennis and Tippy Martinez, Eddie Murray, Rick Dempsey, Mike Cuellar, Paul Blair, Al Bumbry, Mike Boddicker, and Mike Flanagan anymore.... but I blame the ornithologically-correct bird.

Anyhoo, your pitching matchups for the home-away-from-home series are as follows (Bermanesque mocking nicknames at no extra charge):

Tonight: Beckett vs. Daniel "Lil' Pedro" Cabrera
Saturday: Lester the Molester vs. Garret "Stop Calling Me Nellie, Dammit" Olson
Sunday: Fatty McFatfat von Fatstein vs. Brian "We Were So Poor, We Couldn't Afford the Last S" Burres
Monday: Mothra TBD vs. Jeremy "Arlo" Guthrie.

Speaking of Monday's non-starter, Mothra-K was placed on the 15-day DL today. I believe the official injury is listed as "my shoulder is full of shame and dishonor, hai!". Or maybe it was "rotator cuff strain". My Japanese is pretty poor. This marks the first time Matsuzaka has been disabled in his US professional career. The Sox called up Jeff Beetle Bailey from Pawtucket to fill the roster spot; Bailey is almost certainly a temporary call-up to provide an extra bat until a replacement starter is needed on Monday or Tuesday. In all likelihood, Tim Wakefield will take the Monday start in Baltimore, with Justin Masterson (whose Pawtucket schedule has been modified to put him in line for a Tuesday start) called up to face the Devil Rays on Tuesday. The nearly-ready-to-go Clay Buchholz is also an option should the Sox decide he's fully recovered from his "blister." (I believe the Latin term for that particular malady is Bartolocolonis Gottabecalledupis Orwegottareleasehimus, which thankfully isn't as severe as the case of Rulefivedraftis Fakeinjuryus that Lenny DiNardo contracted a couple of years ago.)

In other disturbing news, the kicker at the end of this AP story notes that J.D. Drew is suffering from vertigo, which is why he's been out of the lineup recently. Uh oh. Much as I dislike the guy (you fuck with the Phillies, you fuck with me), he's our guy now and we're on the hook for his salary. And he's not going anywhere, so we're stuck with him. And the last time I saw "Red Sox player" and "vertigo" in the same sentence, it completely ended a promising career. Color me slightly worried.

Hey Celtics...

Don't fuck this up.

David Stern

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times??! The 1993 New England Patriots Season


It was a cold summer in Boston prior to the 1993 Season. The Pats had just finished another terrible season under Coach Dick MacPherson (now fired), and they had an owner who had no intentions of actually running the team. Morale in the locker room and the fan base was at an all-time low. Would Boston still have a football team? What the hell was going on in Foxborough? There were big changes brewing for this young team, a new string of talent was brought into Foxborough, brought in by the keen eye of the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells. The organization itself also had a big change. Gone was Pat Patriot the famous old school logo of the Pats, replaced by what seemingly looked like the Old Man on the Mountain.

The Good-

With the first pick in the first round, the Pats made the first move that would impact the future of this organization, they drafted Drew McQueen Bledsoe. There was debate over who the Pats should take with this pick, Bledsoe or the equally talented Rick Mirer. Luckily the Pats took Bledsoe with the pick, who struggled in his first season as a starter but helped the Pats increase their win total from 2 to 5. Arguably the best game of the season for Bledsoe was against the Colts, where he threw for 400 yards in a 38-0 ass whooping. Bledsoe was a "gunslinger" -- a guy who could launch the ball down the field and win games on just his arm alone (at this point we had no idea how immobile he was). Finally the Pats could stop playing musical chairs behind the ass of the center. They had a stable QB who gave them a chance to win.

Not only was Bledsoe good, but his presence was making an impact on the team as well. The team started off slow again, going 1-11 through the first 13 weeks, but with some comfort in learning Parcells' system came some success for Bledsoe, as he won the last four games in a row. Another rookie, Vincent Brisby, and up-and-coming TE Ben Coates became the favorite targets of young Bledsoe. Leonard Russell also shook off the injury bug and went on to have a terrific season, with over 1,000 yards rushing. And on the defensive side of the ball, another rookie, Chris Slade, opened eyes with his 9 sacks. Even with a final record of 5-12, the season was a marked improvement over the shitshow the previous year.

The Bad and the Ugly

Looking at the 1992 season breakdown, I realized someone was left off who needed to be addressed: Eugene Chung. The Pats needed a lineman to match up with Bruce Armstrong in '92, there were a bevy of potential linemen on the board when their slot came up. The Pats had traded down earlier in the day, but saw a need, and traded back up as Chung was still on the board. He was fat, overweight, slow, and wasn't very good in college. Many analysts saw him dropping into later rounds. But the Pats wanted him -- they saw him as a project that could translate into the pros and traded up to get him, losing most of their other picks. Well, he didn't. He played two seasons with the Pats before they decided the project needed to be aborted. Chung sucked his way around 7 other teams before hanging it up for good. To be fair, though, that first round was terrible : Steve Emtmann went 1, Quentin Coryatt 2, and David Klinger 6. Jesus that draft was terrible

Song of the Year I Will Always Love You - by Whitney Houston.

Fuck this song, fuck the movie it was in. This song was all over the radio in 1993, as our favorite coke fiend belted herself to all sorts of awards. The song has the tone of something that prison guards at Gitmo would play to torture their inmates. It's loud, annoying and stupid. This was one of the first songs as a youngster that made me lunge towards the front of the car when it came on. It would have been nice if Bobby Brown had introduced her to his lifestyle earlier then he did, just to spare us all this shit.

Movie of the Year Jurassic Park.

I loved this movie. It was a friggin kick-ass special effects blockbuster with dinosaurs that scared the ever-loving shit out of you. Looking at it now, those effects are still pretty cutting edge. The dinosaurs looked real, like something you could find in your back yard. I must have seen this movie three or four times in the theater, and those raptors scared the crap out of me every time. Best scene in JP: when the T. Rex breaks out of the pen and starts ripping crap up, knocking over the car, beating the shit out of Jeff Goldblum and eating the lawyer who was sitting on the crapper. Getting eaten by a dinosaur while taking a shit has become my #1 phobia.

Just pack in guys, this season is over


Football is lauded as the league of where anything can happen, and sometimes it does. The 2001 Patriots are a prime example of this, they were a team that for years had been "decent", they had a good QB but they were never expected to do what they did that year. Every year we hear the question, who is going to come out of nowhere and make a run at the Super Bowl. But lets be realistic here, there are at least five teams with absolutely no shot of even getting into the playoffs this year. They were bad teams last year, and did little to help themselves in the draft, and FA/Trade, so logically they will continue to suck this year. Agree? Disagree? Let me hear it...

1. Miami Dolphins- Drafting Jake Long was a solid move in the right direction, and there is no doubt that the Tuna will get this team in the right direction eventually but this team is going to suck again this year. Who is going to be their QB this year? Josh McCown? Chad Henne? Beck? Three options, none of them are going to make much of an impact. Can anyone actually name a WR not named Ted Ginn Jr? WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING WR? They might sneak a few wins against the equally bad Jets or the Bills, but you can count on Ricky Williams to also completely fuck up the season as he decides to be a minister in a Southern Baptist church.

Event more likely to happen then the Dolphins making the playoffs: Britney Spears and Rob Schneider sex tape leaked to the public.

2. Washington Redskins- Bad bad football team here. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that they are going to dwell at the bottom of the NFC East. They got rid of Grandpa Joe but this team is still stacked with holes. They had ZERO first round draft picks, and picked a bunch of WR's in the second round. They failed to trade for Chad Johnson, and this will just be another team for Dan Snyder to completely fuck up.I love Clinton Portis, but he is injured all the time, and there is no way this team is going to contend with the likes of Dallas or NY with Rock Cartwright (wasn't he a character on Ponderosa?) and Ladell Betts in the backfield.

Event more likely to happen then the Redskins making the playoffs: Barry Bonds is vindicated of all steroid allegation and perjury charges, returning to the MLB to become the ambassador to the game.

3. Carolina Panthers- Yeah they made the Super Bowl five years ago with the same QB, but Jake Delhomme is a fraud. He was stacked with great WR's that year and I think Eric Crouch could have hit Steve Smith in some of those games. But those years are long gone, along with the years of the great Carolina defenses. It's now Julius Peppers and a bunch of schlubs, and a terrible secondary. Steve Smith is toast, Delhomme is done, bye bye Panthers.
Event more likely to happen then the Panthers making the playoffs: CNN gets the live feed as Tupac Shakur comes out of hiding in Salt Lake City, Utah. He explains that he hid because he was tired of the BS, and wanted to go to the one place no one would ever expect a black person to hide.

4. NY Jets- Maybe this will be the year that piece of shit Mangini finally gets fired. He still has a QB battle on his between Noodledick Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens, only thing is, both of them blow. Doesn't matter who you start, the team is still bad and you have no chance of winning more games than you won last year. They did a great job solidifying the offense line with Alan Faneca, and Damien Woody but their offense will still stutter. Please fire Mangini.

Event more likely to happen then the Jets making the playoffs: Rachel Ray removes her skin to reveal that she is in fact a monster from the distant galaxy of Xiabor. She tells her shocked audience "TRAW GHRA LORBAO CRULL MAO!" (translation: "I will devour your soul!!"

5. Detroit Lions- HEY MATT MILLEN DIDNT DRAFT A WR IN THE FIRST ROUND!!!!!! He did however waste that pick on Gosder Cherilus my boy from BC when there were much better OL on the board. But for a team with a terrible defense, they did nothing to improve in the off season, other than move their best defender to another team. Jon Kitna can pray that he wins 10 games again, but lord this is not going to happen.

Event more likely to happen then the Lions making the playoffs:GHABY! actually sees Sex and the City the Movie.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Come to our school it is FABULOUS!!!!!!!

* Kobe Bryant beats Spurs. Even with Duncan triple double the Spurs could not muster up enough offense to hold a 17 point lead in LA. Bryant was a one man show, scoring 39 points including 17 in the fourth quarter. In related news Jack Nicholson was admitted to the hospital with an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

* Randy Johnson took over Roger Clemens as #2 on the all time strikeout list, Johnson also holds the record for most penis jokes related to his name/nickname. However Johnson still trails Clemens in # of underaged country singers banged. Big Useless's effort was wasted however as Randy Winn blasts a home run in a 4-3 Giants win.

* Thought about commenting on the Giant Super Bowl ring ceremony, but was hit with a wave of nausea. Instead, Junior Seau will wait to decide whether or not to play his 56th season until training camp.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!


No games tonight! The Sox are dragging their asses back from a demoralizing 1-5 trip to the West Coast while the Celtics are HOPEFULLY huddled in a bunker somewhere performing the intricate series of calculations required to demonstrate to them that IF WE WIN THE NEXT GAME WE GET TO GO TO THE FINALS. A night of rest is due us all.

“But FutureMrs, without your nightly recommendations and predictions I am but a lost fragment of humanity, drifting endlessly and aimlessly through the vast and lonely wasteland of a Thursday night!”

Fear not, beloveds. Plenty of watchin’ tonight. NESN will be re-running the Buchholz and Lester no-hitters back-to-back starting at 6:00 pm. I’ve seen the Lester game re-aired twice already and still had tears in my eyes in the 9th both times. Afterwards, I recommend catching the new Reno 911! at 10:30. Reno 911! is pretty much the only non-animated TV show I watch on a regular basis. Does that mean I have approximately the attention span and maturity level of a 7-year-old on a sugar bender? Perhaps, but you should tune in tonight nonetheless.

Oh also there is some damn basketball game or other playing but I hate both of the teams involved with the scorching heat of a thousand alien suns so you won’t hear a word on that garbage from me.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Adam Hall finally realizes his dream of becoming a Conservatory-trained dancer when Mario Lemieux discovers him dancing at Mawby’s and takes him under his wing.

Serious prediction of the night: This man’s wife will divorce him.

Of David Lee Roth and Transistor Radios: Celtics Win Game 5


So a funny thing happened on the way to watching last night’s Game 5 Epic Win of Awesomeness. I sorta, kinda, maybe missed 3/4ths of the game to stare at a shirtless 53-year-old man doing high leg kicks while wearing a ten-gallon pirate hat.

Let me explain.

Among my many loves, David Lee Roth-era Van Halen is just ahead of “old people scooters” and slightly behind “alcohol.” My high school AOL screen name involved the words “Diamond Dave,” despite the fact that I am not named Dave, nor do I own a diamond mine (though that would be awesome). I am probably the only person EVER to refer to David Lee Roth’s autobiography as “The Bible,” and for my 17th birthday, my friends got me a DLR poster that was somehow even gayer than this:

So when my best friend called me yesterday at 4pm to tell me he had a FREE ticket to Van Halen (reunited with Diamond Dave for this month at least) sitting 15th-row stage left, I felt conflicted. Here was a free ticket to the band I loved throughout childhood…or Game 5 of the most important Celtics series of the last 20 years. Hm...decisions decisions. Waitasecond...I have DVR! I could simply record the game, and watch it when I got home! I stopped at home to DVR the game, and proceeded to reach down, between my legs, and ease the seat back.

At the concert however, curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself frequently checking my phone for score updates. Five-minute drum solo? Perfect time to check the first quarter stats. Oh, they’re playing “Mean Streets?” Time to dive to the phone again. It got so bad that I think I checked the score twice during “Ain’t Talkin ‘Bout Love,” despite the fact that the song isn’t even four minutes long. I kept going to the phone like a junkee, much like Eddie Van Halen went to the bottle from 1982-present. And we know how that turns out:

The concert tidily ended at 10:15 (not exactly the all-night rocking that I pictured from Van Halen) and I rushed to my car with a diarrhea-like urgency. I could at least catch the fourth quarter on the radio, and if I got home fast enough, I could maybe even watch the final few minutes at the GHABB,Y Palace of Wisdom.

(For those who care – the concert was awesome, though the physical state of the members of VH is a little disconcerting. DLR somehow has eight-pack abs at the age of 53, while the two Van Halen brothers are literally decomposing by the minute. Eddie’s kid – who is now the bassist – resembles August Gloop from Willy Wonka. That said, the band can still fucking wail, even if Dave forgets half his lines, dresses like Siegfried & Roy and can’t hit the high notes anymore. I’ll say this – seeing an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo is pretty much like staring into the face of God. Thumbs up show overall, especially for free)

In retrospect, listening to the game on the radio was one of the better decisions I’ve made during these playoffs. Watching national broadcasts are nice and good, and Breen/Van Gundy/Jackson has been one of the better national TV broadcast teams of recent memory. Still, as I learned last night, listening to a home radio broadcast better conveys the sheer gravitas of an important game. Grande and Max painted a vivid picture of the game’s goings on without regard for team neutrality or proper diction. When the C’s scored big buckets, they yelled. When the Pistons started coming back, they muttered in the same somber tones that Jim Ross used to announce that Owen Hart had died. In between, they reminded listeners how far the Celtics had come over the last 20 years, the full impact that players like Garnett and Perkins were having on their teammates, and what a win would mean to the team and all of Celtics fandom.

Now I've heard stories of people who choose only to listen to games with the television sound muted and a home radio broadcast in their ear, and generally written them off as a Bissinger-esque relic. But after listening to the game last night, I’m considering doing the radio-and-muted-TV-dealie for the remainder of the playoffs. I’m a Celtics fan dammit, in previously uncharted (at least by anyone under the age of 27 or so) territory. Doesn’t it therefore make sense to have my bi-nightly Christmas presents of basketball goodness delivered by unabashed Celtics fans, and not the non-regional diction of a national broadcaster?

As for the game itself – Wow. I am now officially sorry for anything I ever said about Ray Allen, especially the parts about him being a zombie and/or on PCP. Perk’s 18-16 became the stuff of Celtic legend, and Garnett earned every bit of the $23 million he’s being paid this year. While Rondo scared me (there were a LOT of lazy-ass passes mixed in with those 13 assists, and his shooting was awful), and the nearly-blown lead was extremely troublesome, I’m still on cloud nine and have every confidence that the C’s will make the Finals. And when they do, I’ll be sure to bring a radio.

Note That You've Never Seen Them Appear Together.....

Separated at birth????? Or actually the same person??????

(1) Don Orsillo

(2) Otto

(Credit to BSMW commenter Funkhouser for pointing out the similarity.....)

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Stepping in for HazelMaesLandingStrip this morning while he buys duvet covers and wonders aloud whether to hyphenate his name after the wedding. Can I say cock and shit in this column? Whoops, looks like I just did.

Sweet holy lord, this man is our elected leader.

*Red Sox lose 1-0 to the Mariners, to put their West Coast record at 0-9387393292. Bob Gibson defeated Sandy Koufax to get the win.Sox are now 1.5 games behind the Rays, who are rapidly progressing past "pesky" and towards "seriously, cut it the fuck out, it's not cute anymore." Canadian Crippler Erik Bedard two-hit our local nine, and immediately gained entry into the Hart Foundation.

*Meanwhile, Mothra is getting an MRI on his shoulder. Apparently swatting city buildings and telephone poles is tiresome on the ball-and-socket joints. One word of advice though for ol' Dice-K: always take the optional sleep mask when getting your MRI. Not only can you doze off while inside the tube, but hey, free sleep mask!

*Celtics took Game 5 in an epic un-fail of a game. I'll have more on it later, but apt comparisons could certainly be made between the game and, say, the first time you had a Kelly's Roast Beef sandwich (sauce, tomato and mayo, natch). Both were utterly glorious from beginning to end, involved the very real threat of about fifteen heart attacks, and your hands are mysteriously sticky when the whole thing is over. Weird.

* Sidney Crosby is made aware that the Stanley Cup Finals have started, then scores two goals simply by willing them in. Kristen Bell is nonplussed. Penguins win, and the game may have even beat out a rerun of "Legend of the Hidden Temple" on Nick GAS.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!


Celtics v. Pistons, 8:30 pm. Megasigh. I'll say this: the Celtics have certainly looked much more like a team that belongs in the playoffs during this series with Detroit. Problem is, we look like a team that deserves to be eliminated this far in. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what the most frustrating aspect of Monday night's game was -- the 32% shooting on the night? The utter lack of flow in play due to the massive numbers of fouls being committed? -- but I think I've put my finger on it: it's this team's utter lack of urgency. Doc Rivers can slam his team's supposed lack of aggression all he wants, but the fact is he's not coaching them to play like winners, and they're not goddamn playing like winners. A team should not pull its starters in the final minutes of a fucking Conference Finals game EVEN IF THEY'RE LOSING any more than a team should continue to drive to the basket when an opposing team's' defense is clearly enforcing a no-layups rule EVEN IF THEY MAKE THE FREETHROWS. Accepting the inevitable -- benching your starters, drawing the fouls you know are coming -- is exactly the opposite of what a winning team does. DON'T PLAY THEIR FUCKING GAME.

/punches crap

Anyhoodle, the Celts are back in town with the series tied at 2 looking to parlay some of that home cooking into a win tonight. Here's hoping James Posey can light a fire under his teammates' asses tonight. You be that flame, James Posey. BE THE FLAME.

Red Sox v. Mariners, 10:10 pm. Still futzing around in second place behind the (goddamn) Tampa Bay Rays, the Sox return to dingy Safeco Field to try and eke out a series win against the (goddamn) Mariners. MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING NIGHTLY PREVIEW EVER. Tim Wakefield (3-3, 5.19), who was simply awful in his last outing against the A's, will attempt to redeem himself against Canadian Erik Bedard (3-3, 4.70), who is really quite good but has the same record as Wakefield so far this year. Oh, right... because he plays for a ridiculously shitty team! Bahahaha. Heh. I feel better now. These late-night West Coast games are killing me, incidentally. I feel like I'm OWED a Sox win for staying up to watch them. Come on, guys!

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Erik Bedard is caught by security at Sea-Tac Airport for trying to sneak back with the Red Sox rolled up in Manny Ramirez' Transformers sleeping bag in a desperate bid to spend the last few good years he has left playing for a contender.

Serious prediction of the night: Really, all my bitching and moaning aside, I think the Celtics are going to return to the Garden with their eyes on the prize and fire in their bellies. (I think you can take, like, Pepto-Bismol for that, dudes.) I'm predicting another high-scoring game with the Celts ultimately winning by 12. Let's say 110-98 just to be sexy.

Huge ups to longtime Mass Hysteria friend Grimey at LOL Jocks for the Posey picture and caption.

I Have No Clue How Tonight's Game Will Go, and it's Doc's Fault

My "athletic investment consultant" often begins sentences with the phrase "If I were a gambling man," before, um, consulting me on, uh, which athletic events to, uh, invest in. It's a little game we play, where he advises me one way, I usually bet the other, and a few hours later, I end up owing him a lot of money. Kinda like Sh!tShow, except that I'm not currently lying at the bottom of the Merrimack River.

Well if I were a gambling man, I would absolutely stay the fuck away from tonight's C's/Pistons Game 5, live from the sanitary confines of the Shawmut FleetCenter TD Banknorth Salem Five Cents Danvers Savings Bank Garden Centre Arena Place of Sports N'Stuff. Do Not. Bet On. This Game. Don't touch it with Betty White's dick.

Now, one may disagree with me given the Chalk-y nature of the 2008 playoffs, and would jump to the seemingly logical conclusion that the top-seeded Celtics, playing at home, would resume their trend of "looking better in white than even Diddy."Those gamblers however are forgetting one very important factor in making their donation to the United Sicilian College Fund: Doc Rivers is prominently involved.

Look, the C's should win tonight. They're at home. The Pistons' best player this series has had more knee surgeries than Mark Schlereth. Garnett has been dominant. Billups is clearly hurt. Rondo plays MUCH better at home. Ray Allen has even started to look "not nearly as deceased" in the last two games.

But...Doc Rivers is involved. And because of this, things like "Sam Cassell playing 16 minutes despite not having a single point or assist" occur. "Leon Powe playing exactly one minute in the last two games despite having the 7th best PER of all PFs in the league" has happened. Even "P.J. Brown playing 95 minutes in the last five games despite only playing 208 minutes all goddamned season" took place.

I'm not necessarily going to completely blame Doc for Monday's suck-fest (which was the single most boring and painful-to-watch basketball game I've ever seen that didn't involve Pat Riley or John Starks), but the sumbitch certainly didn't help. If your team is struggling to shoot 30% from the field, ya think you might want to put in designated shooter Eddie House? If your shooting guard is having another one of his zombie-riffic shooting performances, why leave him in for 38 minutes? If a 33-year-old center with three bad knees is the opposition's only reliable scoring option, wouldn't it be prudent to utilize your Defensive Player of the Year in stopping him? No, of course not, you deserve some rest.

I guess we can take solace in one thing however: Doc's kid just transferred to Indiana, which currently has three players on scholarship. "Lack of desire to win basketball games" must be a genetic trait.

Mothra is Down!!!! Mothra is Down!!!!!


SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: Mothra, who is a friend to the children of Japan, has been vanquished.

Mothra, or "Mothra" to his friends, was in the process of using his or her mothy powers to thwart an invasion of Mariners when said Mariners took command of the situation. While awkwardly attempting to fly around the Mariners' boat, Mothra clipped a wing and plummeted into the ocean.

There were no survivors.

Mothra's close personal friend Gamera was reportedly too distressed to comment on the vanquishing of his insect friend. He released the following statement through his publicist:

On behalf of the entire Gamera organization, I'd like to send my heartfelt condolences to Mothra's recently-laid clutch of eggs, his/her wife Rocket, and all those tiny people on that tropical island who worship him/her. My sweet friend was 8-0 with a 2.40 ERA before last night's tragic vanquishing, and we will all miss his/her stoic ability to fly and shoot laser beams from his/her eyes.

Walking zombie nightmare Mi-ke Timlin-san surrendered on behalf of the Monster Islanders after 9 days of battle, leaving the Mariners triumphant.

Eyewitness reports of glowing rocks near the corpse of Mothra, and of a giant lizard moving towards the area, are so far unconfirmed.

Emperor Remi, speaking from the Chrysanthemum Adirondack Chair, has declared today to be a national day of mourning and saki-drinking in honor of Mothra.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


And I blame Hurricane Katrina on Catwoman

* Godzilla & Rodan slay Mothra! Well not really, unless Godzilla is a fatigued shoulder and Rodan is Mike Timlin. FMRA was right again on her prop bets, as Manny FINALLY blasts #499, and I was right that somehow the Sox would struggle to hit the abysmal Miggy Batista, Sox fall to the M's 4-3.

* It could be worse though, you could be the Yankees. Spotted with leads of 4-0, and later 8-4 Hideki Irabu Ian Kennedy and Russ Ohlendorf could not hold a lead and eventually lose the game 10-9 to the Orioles. Kennedy had to leave the game in the 4th a slight lat strain, and will join other Yankees PHENOM Phil Hughes on the DL. Let the fire Joe Girardi talk begin....

* Time is running out for the Spurs as they lost at home to the Lakers by 2. The Spurs had a chance but Jon Brent Barry missed a long three with time expiring. This series is over as the Lakers head back to LA.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

An Elegi for Jeremi

CARACAS, Venezuela -- Former Major League pitcher Geremi Gonzalez, who won 11 games for the Chicago Cubs in 1997, was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela on Sunday. He was 33.

He was more special than 99.99998% of the people on the planet, because he was a major league player.... but he wasn't anything special.  Hell, it turns out we weren't even spelling his name right.   He wasn't a superstar.  He was just another journeyman who had juuust enough life in his fastball to hold down a job in professional baseball.   And now, because of a truly freakish stroke of bad luck, he's dead at age 33, his death barely a footnote on the last page of the sports section.  

But he was one of our guys.  And I'm not going to let him pass without a proper send-off.

People around here weren't excited when the Red Sox signed former Cubs phenom Jeremi Gonzalez as a free agent to a minor league deal before the 2005 season.  In fact, outside of the hardcore Hot Stove fan base, people probably didn't even notice.  Gonzalez was one of Theo Epstein's "value" acquisitions -- a guy whom even the pitching-starved Devil Rays had jettisoned, equipped with a truckload of physical baggage.  But he was cheap, and if he didn't pan out, the club was not saddled with a big contract.  Strategically, Gonzalez was more of an insurance policy for another of Theo's "value" acquisitions -- former Astros star Wade Miller, who was coming off reconstructive shoulder surgery.   

Gonzalez had suffered more than his share of injury problems over his career.  He had come up through the Cubs system as part of their surplus of premium pitching talent (along with Kerry Wood and Mark Prior), and posted an impressive 11-9 record with a 4.25 ERA in 23 starts in 1997, finishing 9th in the NL Rookie of the Year balloting.  But he blew his elbow out in 1998, and needed Tommy John surgery.  It was the first of multiple surgeries that would keep him out of the major leagues for five years.  Reappearing with the Devil Rays in 2003, he was an extremely effective starter on that poor (63-99) ballclub, posting a 6-13 record with a gaudy team-best (among starters) 3.91 ERA.  But arm troubles arose again in 2004, and Gonzalez was demoted to Durham (AAA) after surrendering 26 earned runs in 35 innings over 8 starts.

So very little was expected of Gonzalez.  But he actually pitched well with the PawSox (5-2, 2.61 in 11 starts for the season), and earned a call-up to the big league club in May, when both David Wells and Curt Schilling were down with injuries.    He... well, he didn't make anyone forget about Pedro Martinez.   Nor did he give the team a reason to dislodge the incumbent fill-in fifth starter, Brandon Bronson Arroyo.  He did win his second start for the team -- the first game of a doubleheader against the Mariners on May 8th, in which the Sox beat their future "closer" Jor-el Pinerio 6-3.  But you don't remember that game at all.  You DO, however, remember the second game of that doubleheader, specifically the point when a terrified rookie named Cla Meredith watched his attempt to throw a bases-loaded fastball past Richie Sexson land somewhere in the vicinity of San Diego.   

For Gonzalez, though, a third start -- again, against the Mariners -- in which he was battered for 7 runs in 3+ innings was the end of the experiment.  He stuck with the team for another week or so, pitching twice in long relief, and then was sent back to Pawtucket.  He returned right before the All-Star Break and stuck around for the rest of the year as the staff mop-up guy.  With the exception of a couple of absolutely terrible outings, he pitched fairly well.  But not well enough to earn another shot at starting.  Instead, the three spot-start opportunities before the September call-up period went to a guy with more upside potential than the oft-injured Gonzalez -- a kid from Mississippi State named Papelbon.  Gonzalez did pitch once in the ALDS against the Pale Sox, coming into game 1 in a mop-up role with the Sox down 8-2.  Not long after the Sox' quick exit from the playoffs, Gonzalez was released.  

And that was the last that Red Sox Nation heard, or cared, about Jeremi Gonzalez.  He continued to play baseball, hooking on with the Mets in 2006, who then traded him to the Brewers after three mediocre-to-terrible starts.   He had an unremarkable season with Milwaukee, going 4-2 with a 5.14 ERA as a long reliever.  (He also told the team that it's spelled "Geremi," not "Jeremi.")  They released him at the end of the season.  He caught on with the Blue Jays organization in 2007, getting five starts at Syracuse (AAA) before jumping to the Yomiuri Giants in the JCL.  He didn't catch on in Japan, either.

And then he was struck by lightning and killed.

Jeremi/Geremi Gonzalez was not the finest pitcher who ever put on a Red Sox uniform.  Not even close.  He was just a guy with God-given talent -- but not quite enough God-given talent -- who caught a lot of tough physical breaks but kept on trying to compete and keep his job.   While I'd definitely prefer to have a team full of phenominally gifted athletes like Pedro Martinez and Josh Beckett on my team, I think I feel a stronger bond to the Geremi Gonzalezes, and the Julian Tavarezes, and the Jeff Grays, and the Rheal Cormiers, and (yes) the Dana Kieckers of the baseball world.  They, like you and I, have to deal with the realization that they're never going to hit the home run that wins the World Series -- they're just struggling to keep on keepin' on.   I think that's why I'm not as hard on Julio Lugo as (ahem) certain other bloggers on this site have been.  It's not Lugo's fault that he was signed to a terrible contract in a largely inexplicable move by Theo.  Is the guy trying to improve himself?  Yes.  So I can't get on him that hard for stinking up the joint this year, in the same way I didn't get on Jeremi Gonzalez for being a mediocre long reliever in 2005.

Gonzalez leaves a wife, Maria, and at least two children -- his son Jerimar and his daughter Gissel.  (I'm not implying anything here -- I'm just not sure that he didn't have any additional children after the 2005 Media Guide was printed.)  He wasn't a footnote to them.

And even though he wasn't an All-Star, he was still Red Sox people.  He shouldn't be dead at 33.  And we shouldn't let him be a footnote.  It was only for a year, but he was our guy.

Geremis Segundo Gonzalez
January 8, 1975 - May 25, 2008
He Was One Of Our Guys

Boston Sports Tonight!


Red Sox v. Mariners, 10:10 pm. Worth staying up late for this one, as Daisuke Matsuzaka (MOTHRA!!! also 8-0, 2.40) goes for Win #9 against Seattle. A win tonight will tie him with Brandon Webb, the league's current leader in wins but 0-2 over his last 2 starts SPECIFICALLY AND EXCLUSIVELY BECAUSE I JUST TRADED JACOBY ELLSBURY FOR HIM IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE. Ahem. The Angels' Joe Saunders is the only other pitcher with 8 wins on the season, but he's not pitching tonight so sucks for him. Miguel Batista (3-6 with an unbelivably depressing 6.47 ERA) will take the mound for Seattle. Please note that the banner on the Mariners' website currently reads, "Mojo Rising." Um, I beg to differ. Unless by "mojo" they mean "likelihood of finishing the season with the worst record in the league." Seattle's best hope for tonight is Yuniesky Betancourt, who batted .364 with a home run over 11 plate appearances against Dice-K last year.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Midway through the 3rd inning, Dice-K mutters "let's blow this sake stand" to Ichiro Suzuki from the mound; the two round up Ken Johjima and Hideki Okajima and hit up The Golden Banana and are all found passed out in the middle of Route 1 tomorrow morning. Best. Spring. Break. EVER!

Serious prediction of the night: Number 499 for Manny. He's due.

Disclaimer: I have no idea whether or not the caption of that picture actually says something filthy in Japanese. It kinda seems like it might. If I've inadvertently offended any native Japanese speakers, please accept my apologies in the form of this pair of used schoolgirl panties.

Recovering from a rough weekend


What’s worse than waking up with a Memorial Day hangover? Waking up half a game under those lovable but oh-so-frustrating rascals from Tampa Bay in the AL East standings, that’s what. That’s right, friends and lovers. Yesterday morning wasn’t pretty. Thankfully, a game against the 18-33 Seattle Seamen (heh) served as hair-o-the-dog for the Sox, who were able to get to Felix Hernandez in the 8th for the 5-3 win.You want to know how goddamn depressing the 2008 Mariners are? They don’t even have a sponsored page on

And yet here we are, still half a game back in the division and significantly worse for the wear after this weekend. To blame for the sudden slip in standings? (Sexy!) A sweep by the youthfully good-looking Oakland A’s, who lured us out to McAfee Coliseum with the promise of Oatmeal Crème Pies and apple juice but had us staring down the business end of a broom before we even got seated on our mats. What do we look like, a Durham stripper? (Too soon?) The A’s look deceptively simple, what with those dorky white sneakers that make them look more like a mallwalkers’ club than a professional sporting outfit, but the tantalizing trio (tasty!) of Rich Harden, Joe Blanton, and Justin Duchscherer proved too hot for the Sox offense to handle. Oakland outscored Boston 17-6 on the weekend, capitalizing on an abysmal start from Tim Wakefield and a less-than spectacular outing from Jon Lester. Perhaps even more depressingly, Boston accrued 3 errors in Sunday’s loss, from Lester, Manny Ramirez, and (fucking duh) Julio Lugo (his 12th on the season. PUT IN JED LOWRIE). The Sox have historically struggled to win at the Coliseum, and we looked lame and offensively impotent this weekend as the A’s out-slugged, out-pitched, and straight up out-baseballed us.

It happens. The A’s are a hot young team with something to prove, and, aside from serving as great subject matter for 80s sports movies, such teams are probably likely to perform their best against the big names. Not to mention the obvious fact that we are knit and possibly dirty footwear, while they are elephants. NO FAIR, say I! Howevah, I think the obvious lesson from this weekend is that while no-hitters are nice and hot young pitching prospects are easy on the eyes, the Boston pitching rotation still leaves quite a bit to be desired, and will take some gelling before we’re ready to lock down the division in earnest. One ray of sunshine was the solid pitching performance from Beckett on Saturday; Beckett let up just two runs on 7 hits over 7.0 innings while fanning 9. Too bad the Red Sox apparently forgot the meaning of the phrase “run support.” IT MEANS YOU HIT BALLS SO YOUR TEAM CAN WIN THE GAME YOU DUMMIES. Still, there’s a lot of work to be done before the Sox find their Money Five for the season.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Do these pirates talk like Keith Richards too

* DEEEEETROOOOIIITTTTT BASKEEEETBALL. Mason get out of my head. The corpse of Antonio McDyess comes up huge, Celtics plan of not guarding him at all backfires, smug factor for stealing game 3 does not come into play. C's lose big.

* Colon comes up big. As most of Red Sox nation tunes in to the Celtics game or sleeping, Sox break 7 game road losing streak. Sox win 5-3.

* The Detroit Hockey Team beat the Pittsburgh Hockey team to take a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals. Steve Yzerman was not a factor in this game.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. A’s, 10:05 pm. Late game tonight… good thing it’s not a school night! The A’s will send Rich Harden (2-0, 2.91) and his adorable crooked smile blistering fastball to the mound against Timmy Wakefield (3-2, 4.33) and his lumbering knuckleball. How compelling! It’s like a wacky sitcom. The A’s are still a couple games north of .500, but are coming off some rough series losses to the Rays, Braves, and Indians (due primarily to a seeming resolution on the part of the A’s not to give their starting pitchers any run support. Who do they think they are, the 2007 Twins?). They’re still second in their division, but come on, dude, it’s the freaking AL West. Wakefield is 5-3 with a 5.47 ERA at McAfee Coliseum in his career. Call me a pessimist, but I have a feeling the A’s are going to put together some decent run support for little Dickie tonight. Hopefully the Sox can counter.

The Sox are facing Harden, Justin Duchscherer, and Joe Blanton in this series and are countering with Wakefield, Josh Beckett, and Jon Lester. Should be an interesting weekend.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Ah crap. Where do I go with this? Do I make a “Frank Thomas Is Old” joke? Do I make the obvious “Rich Harden Will Injure Himself” crack? Nah, I think I’ll exact revenge for yesterday and predict that Kevin Ca$h will find a way to strike out 5 times in 4 at-bats. SKANKS.

Serious prediction of the night: David Ortiz’s career average against Harden is .625 over 8 at-bats, including 2 home runs. I bet Papi knocks Dickie around for a bunch of RBIs and extra base hits. Hell, maybe even a home run. Will he call the placement of his home run in advance and thereby piss off the Yankees even more? WATCH AND FIND OUT!

Happy long weekend, everyone! Hopefully one or more of us will be around at some point, so feel free to stop by. Virtually, that is. Please don't actually show up at my apartment. Unless you have cake and beer.

Game 2: This Just In - The Pistons are Good at the Basketball


Blame for last night's 103-97 loss to Detroit could be (and has been) placed on a number of things – poor defense, the referees, Rondo's unwillingness to shoot something other than a layup - but one thing will probably be overlooked in the sea of analysis you'll encounter this morning:

The Pistons are really, really good.

They're good on offense, and they're good on defense. They're good at drawing fouls, and they're good at making free throws. They strategize extremely well, and carry those plans out with precision. They shoot, they rebound, and they force turnovers. They even win, and do so often. This comes as shocking news to novice C's fans, who had assumed since October that the Celtics were the only team in the NBA that was actually winning basketball games. In fact, the Pistons have been winning games for a while, which explains their upset win over the Lakers a few years back and six straight Eastern Conference Finals appearances.

The Pistons’ goodness was the difference between last night and the C’s other playoff defeats. The Celtics lost those games to Atlanta and Cleveland. The Pistons won last night. They won by making shots when they needed to (50% from the field). They won by getting to the line often (32 free throws!). They won by gameplanning for the Non-Caucasian Three to make their shots, while clamping down on everyone else (coughRondocough). There’s a difference there, and it lies somewhere in the chasm between me, during losses, yelling
“IHATEYOURAYALLENANDHOPEYOUDIEOFFACECANCER” at my (newly refurbished!) television, and “wow, that other team is amazing.” It’s subtle, but I think you can catch it.

That’s why I can’t really be mad about last night. The C’s lost. It happens. It was good to see Ray Allen show some life, it was shitty to see Rajon Rondo get confused when the Pistons dared him to shoot something outside of five feet, and it was terrible to see Rip Hamilton make everything under the sun. Game 3 is Saturday in Detroit, and I’m hoping the C’s come prepared. Because the team they’ll face is pretty damn good.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

I'm all the breakfast you need, baby.

  • RAY ALLEN LIVES!!! The Sneering Corpse himself came back to life last night, thanks, no doubt, to some combination of Disney animatronics and voodoo zombie magic. Ordinarily I’m pretty stringently anti-zombie, since I don’t like having my brains eaten, but any zombie that can shoot like that from beyond the arc is fine in my book. The sensuously handsome reanimated Allen exploded for 25 points and the Big Three on the whole looked stellar, combining for a whopping 75 points. Unfortunately, the Detroit Pistons are one of the best playoff teams of the decade, and the roaring crowds at the Garden were reminded of that last night. Rip Hamilton handed in a monster performance, and 6 Pistons hit double-digits in points scored last night. The Celts valiantly attempted a come-from-behind (giggity) win, pulling to within 4 with 0:41 on the clock thanks in part to a spectacular 3-pointer by Ray “Give Me Brains” Allen, but ultimately Detroit held on for the 103-97 win. No one thought this series would be easy, and honestly I’m glad the whole home court mystique has been shattered and we’re back to playing real live fight-to-the-death basketball. Both teams looked great last night, and this is going to be a hell of a series.

  • Meanwhile, the hated Yanks were busy getting their panties up in a bunch about David Ortiz’s latest planned promotion: a Home Run Derby event in which one lucky fan will have the chance to call the location of Papi’s next home run at shitty, run-down hallowed Yankee Stadium and thus be entered to win a Chevy Tahoe or some damn thing. I don’t even really understand how it works, but apparently the Yanks don’t like it. I guess because Babe Ruth used to do the same thing means that no one else should ever be allowed to do it. From the New York Times:

But the Yankees do not seem as if they want Ortiz to take that swing. The Yankees were upset about the plans involving Ortiz and said they were unaware of the promotion until a reporter contacted them Thursday night. The Yankees were discussing the matter internally and planning to contact Major League Baseball for an explanation.

Maybe we shouldn’t let baseball players be fat, hit triples, or bang chicks anymore, either. You know, in honor of Babe Ruth. GUHHHH I hate the fucking Yankees. Guess last place is pretty boring, huh guys?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

With the Red Sox ripping off more Grand Slams than me at Denny's at 3am, Boston sports fans are left to give their undivided attention to jumping black men in shorts for the rest of the night.

Celtics vs. Pistons Game 2, 8:30: While the C's got off to a boneriffic start on Tuesday, those efforts can be for naught with a bed-shitting in tonight's Game 2. If you've been in a bunker for the last three weeks (and if you have, I don't blame you, for the Ruskie Menace is real and here), you may not have heard that the C's are slightly good at home in these playoffs, and slightly dogshit on the road. Ergo, home wins are necessary so long as road wins are NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND.

*twitchingly shovels Flexerall into expectant mouth*

I'm remotely confident in a win tonight, both because of the home surroundings and the fact that the C's rocked sweet balls and could do no wrong on Tuesday. If they play like that every game, they can beat the Pistons, Lakers, and Tawny Kitaen, all at the same time.C's fans (who are then divided into groups of "those who enjoy the intensity of Kevin Garnett" and "those who liked Larry Bird cause he wasn't one of the Mud People") should know very quickly how tonight's game will go, based on whether the following things occur in the first quarter:
  • Kevin Garnett actually uses his drop step and makes an offensive move towards the basket, and not away.
  • Chauncey Billups (hamstring) waddles towards the opening tip like the kid with the "glandular problem" in gym class
  • Ray Allen gets lost on his way to the arena
  • Rasheed Wallace stabs an official in the heart
  • A trail of dust and smoke follows in the wake of Rajon Rondo (better seen in HD)
If all of these things occur, then the C's are guaranteed to win. If not, then it'll be a nailbiter, though probably still fun as hell to watch.

Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Flip Saunders performs a double back handspring on the sidelines to the soothing strains of Yanni, changing his name to "Prepubescent Female Gymnast Saunders."

Serious Prediction of the Night: C's win an extremely close game, possibly in the waning seconds and/or overtime. Detroit's guards should look better than they did Tuesday night, but conversely, the Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen should start making actual shots at some point in these playoffs. I'm thinking that both occur tonight and cancel each other out, leaving the C's superior frontcourt to outplay Detroit's lesser big men. Garnett goes for 25-10, Pierce scores 20 and Allen (shock!) has at least 15 in a C's win.

A Very Special Afternoon Game Sneak Preview!

Red Sox v. Royals, 1:35 pm. The Sox go for the 4-game sweep of the Royals and their 7th consecutive win this afternoon at Fenway. Hurrah! Dice-K (7-0, 2.15) will take the mound for the Sox; if he wins today, he’ll be the first pitcher in the AL to reach 8 wins on the season. BOOM! Righty Brian Bannister (4-5, 4.29) will attempt to stop the skid for Kansas City. Bannister looked scorching in April but has definitely floundered in his last 3 starts, letting up 11 runs on 22 hits over 21 innings pitched. Yikes! Meanwhile, Dice-K has posted a 1.45 ERA over 3 starts in May, fanning 15 batters over 18 2/3 innings pitched. MOTHRA WILL RAIN DESTRUCTION OVER US ALL! YEARRGHHH!

Ahem. Follow along with MLB Gameday here. Hurrah for afternoon baseball!

It's Great being Matty Ryan!!!!!11!!!


I can not believe it, I just got 35 million dollars, time to go shopping!

Wow guys, I just got a lot of money from the Atlanta Falcons, and the best part is most of it is guaranteed, meaning it will go straight in my pockets. WOOOOOOHOOOOO, sorry for the excitement but I just can't help it! My mother called and said that I should be wise and invest some of it, and by golly I think she brings up a good point, but come on I'm a white, blue collared type of guy I need to go shopping! There are so many things that I never could afford, but I am going to make up for that lost time right now gosh darn it!

My Shopping List by Matty Ryan:

*Ooooh I want a Saab, or a Volvo! A real nice one that is real good on gas mileage, maybe a hybrid I hear those are green and good for the environment and that is something Matty Ice is real concerned about. Nothing too flashy though, I want my car to be different than Joe Horn's and Mikey Jenkins (we are on a nickname basis now, I call him Mikey he calls me Rookie), they have all those big rims and tinted windows, I just want a car that has a CD Deck so I can listen to my new Rascal Flatts album!

*Its about time that I get a wardrobe makeover, no more Super fan shirts and pajama pants for me I am a star now! Woooooo. Maybe I could find a homosexual fashion designer to pick out my wardrobe for me! I know many of my catholic friends at BC will look down at me, but I will look so ROCKING MAN! Argyle shirts, and khaki slacks, with some nice loafers! I plan on racking up huge bills at the Gap, Banana Republic and JCrew. My style will be so rad that the NFL won't know what hit them!

* My friends are going to think I am so cool when I get TWO new XBox's for my pad (that's what I call my apartment). Im going to get that Guitar Hero game too, because I would be totally dope at that!

*I hope that Dave Matthews or Jimmy Buffett is coming down to Atlanta this summer because now I can finally afford tickets to his show! I could bring all my boys with me and we could totally get front row tickets, maybe grab a few beers, with back stage passes of course. I bet the show will be so awesome that I will end up buying a really nice acoustic guitar that I could serenade my teammates with songs all season long!

* Looking the mirror this morning I realized something, I am not as hot as I could be. I think its about that time I take a flight over to California and get Dr. Lichenstein over on Rodeo Drive to see how I could upgrade my face. I'm thinking a little nose job, maybe some collagen, and an overall re-do of this whole bad boy every time Im at the club girls will have to look at me! Now that I'm rich, I will be the IT guy down south, girls like Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Carrie Underwood will be begging for my phone number. Hold onto Jessica tight Tony, I'm on the prowl! GRRRRRRRR....(that was my tiger sound) I will be getting tons of ass in no time.

It's great being Matty Ryan!!!!!!111!!!!

Wow, being rich is going to be AWESOME!

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Come on Felix....Let's Go Fido...

*Colon strong for Red Sox. Despite exploding out of hisuniform, the former Cy Young Winner looked strong, Varitek and Ellsbury fuled the offense. FutureMrsRickAnkiel's prediction comes true and for the first time in history a woman was right. Sox win 6-3.

* The transition of "WHAT A JOB-A BY JOBA" Chamberlain to a starter began last night, as the Yankees pounced on the Orioles. Hows that Hughes-Kennedy vs Lester/Buchholz comparison looking now? Oh and there may be more Red Sox crap buried under the new Yankee Stadium, this time no one will know where.

* Bill Parcells has no room on his team for sissies. Gene Kelly Jason Taylor is likely on his way out of Miami. Parcells is pissed that he spent so much time losing weight for the show Dancing with the Stars. At his current size it looks like a WR could push him over, not that I watch that show our anything....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


From the preview tonight:

Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need.

Colon pitched 5 complete innings, then was yanked for Craig Hansen. He let up 2 runs on 6 hits. Tomko got knocked around for 5 runs on 7 hits, including 2 HRs, and the Sox won the game.


Damn I'm good.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. Royals, 7:05 pm. Boston fans and filthy-minded headline writers rejoice: The Colon has arrived! Yes, Bartolo Colon has been called up at long last from AAA, where the generously-proportioned righty posted a 2-0 record with a 0.64 ERA over 3 starts. Last night’s hero, Justin Masterson, was sent packing back down to the minors to make room for Colon in the Sox bullpen. (Maybe they should send TWO guys down to make sure there’s enough room! Because he’s so fat! BAHAHA) It’s always fun, and by fun I mean nerve-wracking, to see how one of Theo’s gambles will play out. Colon has looked good so far, but tubby washed-up Cy Young winners haven’t been treating us well as of late. Still, a career record of 146-95 with batters only averaging .259 against him is pretty neat. EMBRACE THE COLON! Bartolo will be facing Royals righty Brett Tomko at Fenway this evening. WHY DO ALL THE ROYALS PITCHERS HAVE SUCH TERRIBLE FACIAL HAIR?! Tune in this evening to find out*.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Sox experience game delays in the 4th inning when it is revealed that Colon has eaten all of the baseballs in the clubhouse after mistaking them for Sno Balls. Because he’s so fat, you see.

Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need. The headline “Colon Solid In Debut” appears in newspapers everywhere; several porn stars assume it is about their most recent feature and are deeply upset upon learning it is not. FUCK even my serious prediction turned frivolous tonight. I just can’t handle all the Colon! ACK!!

/implodes, snickering, in smoldering pile of hack jokes and innuendo

* seriously, if you can shed any insight into this please let me know, because I am baffled

Breakfast with the Hysterics


I am telling you for the last time, I have no idea where your cab is

* The Big Four (Garnett, Pierce, Rondo, and PJ Brown) take down the poor shooting Pistons. C's take game one of the Eastern Conference Finals 88- 79 despite Jesus Shuttleworth's best efforts to make it a 5 on 4.

* He can't pitch in Double AA, but he sure looks Master-ful in the majors. Hi-Yo! Sox rookie pitches 6 1/3 stellar innings as he outduels KC Ace(?) Gil Meche. Okajima looks lost again leaving with the bases loaded in the 8th, Papelbon bails him out. Sox win 2-1.

* Ping Pong Balls dropped, and for the first time in years no one in Boston had a vested interest in it! Chicago gets the first pick, even with a 2% chance of getting it, see Celtics fan this shit happens every year. Lesson: Don't tank the end of the season to get a better chance.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Finally Putting it All Together: C's Win Game 1 Over Pistons

Sorry for the lack of Celtics coverage over the last few days, but frankly, I was a bit conflicted after that Cavs series. By the Conference Finals, a team should develop some sense of consistency, but the C's haven't even been able to settle on a rotation, let alone a style of play that would guarantee a win. It's been maddening and awesome, frustrating and joyous, all at the same time.

Then came tonight.

Tonight was the C's best performance of the playoffs. That's right, I said it. The. Best. Nearly everything that made me love this team during the regular season was on full display tonight, and against a very game Pistons team that wanted this win badly. Most all the hallmarks of the Celtics We Know came out tonight, including the following:
  • Ball rotation - The C's ranked third in the league in assist ratio (+3.58/game), a stat made more amazing when taken into account that the two teams ahead of them in those rankings had point guards named Steve Nash and Deron Williams. Without a high-assist point guard, the C's success in that department therefore spoke to everyone's ability to find the open man at all times, asfive Celtics averaged at least 3 assists per game. Tonight showed to be a prime example, as the C's out-assisted the Pistons 27-15. Against a halfcourt defense like Detroit's, finding the open man is key, and the C's ability to do so tonight was a big reason for their win.
  • Perimeter defense - Hamilton missed the only three he took tonight, and Billups was held to only nine points. Wallace went 0-3 beyond the arc too, eliminating a weapon they often use. Still, Detroit's success feeds off of their guard play, and those guards were completely locked down tonight. Billups' +/- rating was a minus-18. I will now be sending a bouquet of roses to the doorstep of one Rajon Rondo. In fact...
  • Rondo's play - 11 points, seven assists, and five steals in 39 minutes of play. More importantly, Billups seems more hurt than he initially let on, leading to a more confident (few other PGs in the league build off confidence like Rondo does) and defensively alert (five steals!) Rondo.
  • Garnett taking high-percentage shots - KG's 26-9-4 stat line was impressive, but what impressed me more was how those stats were accumulated. Garnett generally kept his back to the basket and played like a traditional post against Detroit, and the Pistons were absolutely helpless to stop him (Wallace especially looked OLD on defense). Not coincidentally, "KG staying down low" has a lot to do with the C's winning games, and will especially be a factor in this series.
  • The second unit - held onto leads and found different ways to contribute. Leon Powe even made an appearance, though frankly, he should really be playing more. There's nothing that Jason Maxiell can do that Powe can't do better, yet Maxiell gets all the hype. House and PJ Brown looked great as well.
Some things however concerned me, and NEED to be fixed before Game 2:
  • The Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen - it's sad when the crowd is cheering for him out of pity. He's not even trying to shoot anymore, which is unfortunate, because jump shooting is his only discernable skill. He's a severe liability at this point, and while early-game attempts to get him involved in the offense are cute, they're akin to letting the retarded kid join the kickball game to let him feel involved. At some point very soon, Allen will either have to do a complete 180 or find his ass on the bench for most of the game.
  • Antonio McDyess - Dude went for 14 and 11, despite the fact that he's on his eighteenth ACL and is roughly 97 years old. I guess if you're gonna let any Piston beat you it should be McDyess, but still, there's no excuse at all for letting him go 14-11.
  • Three-point shooting - Detroit's eventually gonna start hitting their threes, and the C's are going to therefore have to answer them. Shooting 2-9 beyond the arc (0-4 from Pierce) ain't gonna get it done. Allen took only ONE three tonight by the way. He, of course, missed. Because he's a zombie. A sneering zombie.

A traitorous prediction


Look, you can give me all the shit you want about this, but I am going to be honest about this, I think the Pistons are going to beat the Celtics and win this series in 6. Call it a gut feeling, maybe I am just being honest about it. The Celtics are a great team, KG plays with more heart than anyone in the league, and Paul Pierce has one of the best shots in the game. But top to bottom I think this Pistons team is better suited to win this series. Go ahead call me Benedict Arnold, Johnny Damon, or Big Pussy (Sopranos reference), but I hope to god I am wrong.

Reason 1: Ray Allen.

Ray Ray is a gigantic liability going into this series, he isn't shooting his defense is poor, and he looks deflated on the court. In the three games against the Pistons this season Ray has averaged 12 points, mind you this was before he got into his own head and completely fucked his own game up. Jesus Shuttlesworth legs and ankles seem completely shot, like the shocks on my piece of shit Focus. He is getting nothing under his shots, and is leaving a huge hole in our 5.

Reason 2: Chauncey Billups/Rajon Rondo Matchup

Rondo at home has had an excellent post season matching up against Delonte West and Mike Bibby, but neither of them are in the same league physically as Billups. The Pistons offense will exploit this matchup, and look for Billups to have a big series against the C's, injury or not.

Reason 3: The Celtic's Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

I am not going to beat a dead horse here, and go over this again. Sick at home, horseshit on the road. But if the Celtic's play like shit on the road and lose all of their games at the palace, I guarantee the C's will drop one at the Garden. Call me a downer, a doubter, a fraud, whatever, just being realistic here, the Pistons are too good of a team to lose all of their games on the road. The Celtics will HAVE TO beat the Pistons at the Palace to take this series.

Reason 4: The Sudden Disapperance of Sh!tshow

This is a factor that most of the media has not caught on to, but undoubtedly has made adversity tougher on the C's. Show is a major factor to the success of the Celtics, and his spirit has driven the C's in times of doubt. He is gone now, and his absence leaves a huge hole that may be very difficult to fill.


Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. Royals, 7:05 pm. What ho! Sir Gilbert Allen Meche of the Douchey Triangular Facial Hair matches swords pitches with His Pitchiness of the Crooked Hat Justin Masterson. The lanky Masterson (good lord, he’s 6’6”) looked pretty damn impressive in his major-league debut on April 24, fanning 4 batters while allowing just 1 run on 2 hits over 6 innings. Sadly, the Sox offense gave him no help that night, but hopefully they’ll pull through and get him his first EVAH major-league win tonight.

Celtics v. Pistons, 8:30 pm. I literally cannot believe the NBA playoffs are still going on after all I’ve been through already. This is the hot Eastern Conference matchup everyone’s been licking their chops over since the season kicked off, and AHHH NO I DON’T WANNA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

/runs out of room

/is dragged back in

Ok. We have to do this. The Pistons are just one more roadblock on our path to glory, and as scary as it is to face this squad of grizzled playoffs vets, the Celts are fully capable of winning this series. We’re 2-1 against Detroit on the regular season, including the victory that clinched us our earliest-in-the-league playoffs berth on March 5; we dropped a close contest to them in December (it was only our 3rd loss of the season at that point) but beat them in January (IN AN AWAY GAME) and whomped on them in March. Even as we flagged (relatively speaking) towards the end of the season, we performed better against the Pistons. Detroit is nasty and efficient and has an eerily cohesive sense of team unity that no one who isn’t on the team seems to be able to either comprehend or penetrate, but I honest to god think we can beat this team, and beat them hard.

And anyway, what the hell is a piston? Just a fucking piece of engine, is what it is.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Upwards of 8,000 Red Sox fans -- all of them female -- to be spotted wearing Jon Lester T-shirts at tonight’s game. O AN HE NO-HITTY

Serious prediction of the night: The Celts game will be a battle of point-guard styles -- the speedy, youthful energy of Rajon Rondo against the physical, so-money-in-the-clutch-it-hurts play of [wistful sigh] Chauncey Billups. I’m not going to attach numbers to anything here, but watch this match-up carefully. Either Billups’ defense will shut down Rondo’s ability to run plays and Detroit will take the game, or Rondo will exploit every opening Billups leaves him and explode for 15-20 assists. And Boston will win. Yeah, that second thing. That’s what’s going to happen.

Fun fact: Justin Masterson was born in Kingston, Jamaica. Really?!