Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Yep, I Am Your Reader: Bill Simmons Sglog -- 4/2/08

Being the first of a series of live Sports Guy-column-reading logs, i.e. let's see if this works and run with it if it does....

Our "local" WWL "columnist" is back with his April Fool's Day missive for Page 2, so whaddya say we live sglog it!

Pre-questions:
... and right off the bat, here we go ruining the Celtics season, too. Thanks a lot, Billy. Great Fool's joke. Enjoy the now-inevitable first-round loss to Charlotte or whomever.

Q1:
So I guess this counts as his baseball preview. I see his point re: focusing solely on the AL, which is what he knows, but it's just more ammo for the "Oh, ESPN doesn't care about anyone other than Yankees/Red Sox" crowd. I admire his restraint in not referring to Asdrubel Cabrera as "Ass-dribble", like I do. (Speaking of whom, did you know that Adsrubel -- the original, not the Cleveland 2b/ss -- was Hannibal's brother?) To summarize the Thoughts of Bill: big year ahead, lots of offense, no pitching. His attempt to reverse-whammy the Sox winds up being an arguably better prediction than what he presumably meant to say....

Also, "Binaural" never happened. You hear me! IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!

Q2:
Note to self: write future blog posts in crazy Hank Steinbrenner voice. Because he'd definitely go the extra distance for his fans, unlike the Red Sox ownership....

Q3:
Thank you, sweet Jesus. The more people we have calling out the ridiculousness of the collective Brett Fah-vray dick-sucking, the better. Favre was a great quarterback, no doubt. But how many of those yards and completions and TDs are creditable to the painkiller abuse? Maybe Warren Moon would have accumulated more stats if he had been able to down a handful of Vicodin before every game, too! And let's be frank -- if a criminal had a loaded and cocked gun to your wife/husband/child/parent's head and threatened to fire unless a quarterback led a 4th quarter drive from his own 20 into field goal range with under 3:00 left on the clock, and that QB was Brett Favre.... well, I'd suggest a large sponge to clean up the brain and skull fragments.

Give the man his due, but only his due. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning -- let alone Joe Montana, Dan Marino, and John Elway -- are INFINITELY better quarterbacks than Brett Favre, because they stay focused and disciplined under pressure. Case closed.

Q4:
Yeah, because the NFL actually wants to drag this bullshit out longer. Pass. I'll save my rant on the idiocy of Spygate for a later time.....

Q5:
The mental image of Clemens with saggy boobs pleases me. Huh huh.

Q6:
Like clockwork, Bill brings the collective IQ of America down another point by commisserating with readers about idiotic, unwatchable MTV shit. I remember when they actually played videos....

Q7:
Yeah, that was my thought, too. In other news, here are my picks for the four faces that would be on the Mount Rushmore of Norwegian Pan-Flute Jazz Improvisation....

Q8:
I have no idea what he's talking about. Moving on....

Q9:
Show of hands -- do we believe the Sports Gal, as Bill presents her, actually exists? No, right? It's just the other side of his split personality, correct? The mental coping strategy that allows him to process the shame he feels for watching 90210 and Melrose Place and Oprah all the time?

Q10:
Come on, Minnesotans deserve better. Especially from Boston-area fans. Lighten up on them!

Q11:
Don't care.

Q12:
Don't care. But crazee madd propz to Harry Truman! He put the "S" in "SHIZZA, MY NIZZA!"

Q13-14:
See above.

Q15:
You see, I'm of the impression that JT didn't break up with Britney because she cheated on him. I think he just realized "wow, I can have sex with virtually anyone on Earth!" So he did.

Q16:
The Bruins have been dead to me since they traded Adam Oates. (Sorry, Future Mrs. A....) I don't see this changing anytime soon.

Q17:
Honey, I'm guessing it wasn't just your boobs that grew a size after all that ice cream and chocolate.....
/ducks

Q18:
"Fantasy": something that is not real. "Fantasy baseball": like stock picking, but with baseball players. I don't give a rat's ass who they're playing for, they're all numbers to me.

Q19:
How about Edith Bunker? You forget that she was a mom, but she was. And one of the all-time greatest TV characters ever. I'm putting Edith on that Mt. Mommore, and you can't stop me, dammit.

Q20:
They both could kick my ass, so I'm not touching this one....

Q21:
A glimpse into the quiet desperation that is Bill Simmons' private life.....

Q22:
Obligatory reference that only people in their mid- to late-30s even understand.

Q23:
Absolutely. Trust me, you youngins -- you DO NOT understand how crushing '86 was. I spat at my TV. SPAT AT IT!!!!!!! Then I copied the team photo out of the official program and burned it in effigy. Bill, for once, captures this totally.

Q24:
Poop joke.

Q25:
Craig B. from New York leads an active fantasy life. He's also into 1979 Islanders cosplay and designed his own RPG set in the universe of Shawn Kemp's illegitimate children.

Yup, those are his readers....

Not a bad offering from Bill today, considering it's a mailbag. Other than ruining the Celts' season, of course. Good job on that one, douche.

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