Friday, April 4, 2008

Welcome to the Doghouse

When a professional athlete becomes a royal pain in the ass and loses the coach or managers favor, the term “in the dog house” is used. Many of us remember the 2001 season, when Terry Glenn basically gave up on the Patriots, and because of it ended up sitting the bench for the rest of the season even though he might have been the most talented receiver on the team. Belichick hated him, wanted him off the team, and let him know it. Every game the camera would show Glenn sulking on the sidelines and talk about how Belichick didn't like him. I love animal metaphors, so stick with me as I try to connect canines and professional football players.

This is the type of player that gets in trouble for saying and doing stupid shit. Usually the incident will start with the player doing something unbelievably stupid, lets say for instance they drive a motorcycle without a helmet, and get into a pretty serious accident. Goofy will barely survive the accident, missing death by a hair, but be completely oblivious to this. Members of the coaching staff and media criticize him for not wearing the helmet, and he comes back saying “I like not wearing it, it makes me feel free”. Yet still very popular with the ladies. Probably will end up dead before retiring.


This player is a fucking psycho, rabid and completely out of control. Other teammates, coaches and living organisms are afraid of this freak and stay away from them at all times. Get in his way and he will fucking end you and eat your soul end of story. He may be an excellent player, usually foaming at the mouth to hurt someone, and style of play usually borders on criminal. An example of “cujo” is a player who during a game, kicks the opposing player in the helmet, or levels a hit so hard on the opposing QB, they end up eating food through a straw for two months. This type of player may or may not be on steroids or other performance enhancing drugs, even though their primal rage should be sufficient.

Brian Griffin

Glug Glug Glug, get me another drink. Pass the dube. Usually red in the face, and hung over this player gives it his all as long as he hasn’t failed a drug test. The normal schedule for a BG is wake up 15 minutes before practice still hung over or still high, go to scheduled practice or game, play, finish game and immediately begins using drugs again. Because of extensive drug use this person usually can no longer play in the NFL, and instead will go off to find enlightenment, which usually involves sitting around smoking more weed. His career is usually marked with long suspensions, and multiple stints in the CFL.


This type of player is lazy, and could give two shits about it. They are in this game for the money, and nothing else. If they could spend all of their time sleeping on a red dog house staring at the sky and still get a pay check they would. Football is simply a paycheck for them, and if their team isn’t winning you can bet they are playing at 15% for the rest of the season. This type of player disappears in physical football games, doesn’t block for runs, and hates the media. To add an another metaphor on top they are criticized for “dogging it”. Zing.

Finally, the last type of dog:

Yeah, that basically says all you need to know about these players.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I fixed the weird tag issues for you, bro. Woof.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Swing and a miss with this one eh?

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I wouldn't say that!

Although I think you slur my avatar a bit too much. Brian is the smartest one on the show, after all. He's just got a little alcohol problem, that's all....

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ooh ooh! Can I guess which one is Ricky Williams?