Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sox-Yankees Precap

Ed. note: A Pimp Named DaveR has better things to do than continue watching this crapfest of a "baseball" game, so we have allowed him to pre-write his recap of tonight's game, which is presented here for your sportelligence edification.

DATELINE NEW YORK: In a thriller, the New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 67,746,274-67,745,273 when Mariano Rivera LXVI struck out Robo-Varitek Unit #RV-4761 with the bases loaded before the assembled descendants of 51,474 fans. The game, which clocked in at a svelte 3,874 years, 27 days, 16 hours and 53 minutes -- the shortest game in the long history of Red Sox-Yankees since 1951 -- was temporarily suspended in the 6th by an outbreak of typhus and a small thermonuclear war.

Robo-Varitek Unit #RV-4761

Boston starter Clay Buchholz was rocked for 26,442 runs in the third of an inning he pitched before succumbing to a heart attack at the age of 91. Yankee starter Chien-Ming Wang did not fare well either, surrendering over 100,000 hits and 30,000 walks before ceding power to his illegitimate son, Tsien-Wien "The Terrible" Wang I, who crowned himself Emperor of the Bronx and founded a dynasty that lasted nearly 700 years. The regime was eventually toppled by a group of samurai and generals from upstate, resulting in the currently-ruling LaTroy Dynasty (and winning pitcher LaTroy of the Hill People the 25th).

Lai-tsu Wang V, Lord-Emperor of the Eternal Kingdom of the Five Boroughs (AD 2876-2907)
Pitcher of the Top of the Second

Boston manager The Seven Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Clone of Terry Francona wasn't pleased at having to burn through several generations of his bullpen in the tilt. "When the reanimated corpse of Mike Timlin threw the first 1-2-3 inning in over 7,000 years back in the fifth, we thought we were back on track. But we didn't want to risk sending him out there after getting cold during the 226-year wait in the top of the sixth, and then there was the typhus, too, and the radiation, and... we just thought it wouldn't be wise to bring him back under those conditions. Also, he had passed away again by that point."

Yankee manager Joe Torre singled out pitcher Roba Chamberlain for special kudos. "That kid -- and by 'kid' I mean 'highly advanced cyborg' -- can really bring it. He/it has a bright future in this league, assuming society does not fall apart due to Malthusian population pressures."

The two teams will face each other again tomorrow, although the forecast of "Sun expanding into its red giant stage and swallowing the Earth" may result in a postponement.


  • The Sox face a roster dilemma in the near term, as the lineal descendants of shortstop Julio Lugo have de-evolved into a sort of platypus-like creature, while left fielder Manny Ramirez -- still playing under a 3000-year club option -- has become completely sessile, refusing to move even to feed himself. Lacking any viable options in AAA, since Pawtucket (along with the rest of Rhode Island) was destroyed in the meteor strike of 3059, the Sox will likely have to stick with a platoon of the holographic images of Jed Lowrie and Alex Cora.



  • Also, Mike Lowell was moved to the 60-day disabled list.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Wow. Just... wow.

I'm still watching, by the way. I hate myself.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The longest 9-inning game in the history of baseball was recorded on August 18, 2006, clocking in at 4h 45min.

No points for guessing which two teams were involved in that contest.

It's 15-9, Yankees. I'm starting to hallucinate.

Sh!tShow said...

After watching for four hours, I became detached from the space time continuum. This allowed me to jump into the body of any former player back to the date I was born, putting right what once went wrong, hoping each time my next leap will be my leap home.

Oh Boy!

Sh!tShow said...

Hey Pimp, can you precap the rest of my day at the office for me? I wanna rest up my fingers for the remote tonight. Mix in a lunch, fucking off on the web, and pretending to work. My boss will never know the difference.

Starting Aces said...

"The longest 9-inning game in the history of baseball was recorded on August 18, 2006, clocking in at 4h 45min."

Some time around the 7th inning I legitimately considered setting myself on fire just to see if that would end up on the NESN feed.