Ed. note: A Pimp Named DaveR has better things to do than continue watching this crapfest of a "baseball" game, so we have allowed him to pre-write his recap of tonight's game, which is presented here for your sportelligence edification.
Lai-tsu Wang V, Lord-Emperor of the Eternal Kingdom of the Five Boroughs (AD 2876-2907)
Pitcher of the Top of the Second
Boston manager The Seven Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Clone of Terry Francona wasn't pleased at having to burn through several generations of his bullpen in the tilt. "When the reanimated corpse of Mike Timlin threw the first 1-2-3 inning in over 7,000 years back in the fifth, we thought we were back on track. But we didn't want to risk sending him out there after getting cold during the 226-year wait in the top of the sixth, and then there was the typhus, too, and the radiation, and... we just thought it wouldn't be wise to bring him back under those conditions. Also, he had passed away again by that point."
Yankee manager Joe Torre singled out pitcher Roba Chamberlain for special kudos. "That kid -- and by 'kid' I mean 'highly advanced cyborg' -- can really bring it. He/it has a bright future in this league, assuming society does not fall apart due to Malthusian population pressures."
The two teams will face each other again tomorrow, although the forecast of "Sun expanding into its red giant stage and swallowing the Earth" may result in a postponement.
- The Sox face a roster dilemma in the near term, as the lineal descendants of shortstop Julio Lugo have de-evolved into a sort of platypus-like creature, while left fielder Manny Ramirez -- still playing under a 3000-year club option -- has become completely sessile, refusing to move even to feed himself. Lacking any viable options in AAA, since Pawtucket (along with the rest of Rhode Island) was destroyed in the meteor strike of 3059, the Sox will likely have to stick with a platoon of the holographic images of Jed Lowrie and Alex Cora.
- Also, Mike Lowell was moved to the 60-day disabled list.