Saturday, April 26, 2008

Mass Hysteria's First Annual Draft Selection Extravanganza

Welcome all, I am going to start live blogging this bitch early as news is flying around ESPN with all sorts of crap happening! I am really excited to be blogging about this, which makes me a complete loser. We already know that Jake Long is going to go to the Dolphins, which is good move, the only negative being that Long looks like he is about 40.

2:15p- Listening to ESPN, Michael Smith is saying that the #2 will be Chris Long from Virginia (the son of Howie Long). The Crypt Keeper and Mortenson both report that my boy Matt Ryan are going to go #3 to the Falcons. At least I won't have to watch the Pats destroy him twice a year. Have fun resurrecting a decimated franchise!

2:30p- Here is a drinking game, every time they show or refer to Howie Long, drink. If you plan to try this please don't drive.

2:31p- If you decided to do the drinking game, you would have to take at least 8 drinks now, as Boomer makes a string of stupid Howie Long jokes, followed by an interview with HOWIE LONG.

2:44p- ESPN is disclosing all of Darren McFadden's personal life. Mother was a crack head, he is one of 12 kids and most of his brothers are in gangs. Jesus tough life. Will fit in well with Oakland if he is drafted by the Raiders.

2:55p- Showing lots of pictures of Matty Ryan, who looks goofy. Has a fucking cowlick and combover. Berman goes on and on about Ryan having "it", whatever the fuck that means. It's now five minutes to the start of the draft and Berman is already pissing me off. Keyshawn shirt looks like it was made out of a tablecloth. Pimp? I guess.

3:03p- Roger Goodell comes to podium. Makes brief announcment. Dolphins pick of Jake Long is announced. Jets fans begin booing like the classy fans they are. One is holding a sign "Draft mistakes end today". Love the optimism, and the correct spelling!
#1. Dolphins- Jake Long OG- Michigan

3:13p- RG comes back out, very anticlimatic for the first two picks as the Rams pick Chris Long. This guy was a beast in the ACC...Here it comes. Ten more miuntes. Matty Ryan. I should disclose that I currently have my Doug Flutie throwback BC jersey on and by lucky BC hat. My heart is getting a little skittish. NO THIS ISN'T GAY!
#2. St. Louis Rams- Chris Long DE Virginia

Hold on a second I need to go clean myself off. ESPN puts up a graphic, Fans grade "C". Again ESPN viewers letting me down. I am already calling it, Atlanta Falcons will be a contender in two years.

#3. Atlanta Falcons- Matt Ryan QB- BC
3:26- My prediction: Oakland will select Darren McFadden, they need a RB and Al Davis falls in love with big names.
3:28p- Oakland goes with McFadden, Jets fans again are pissed as another stud is gone that could have helped their team. I hope Glenn Dorsey goes #5, which will probably start a riot in Madison Square Garden.
#4- Oakland Raiders- Darren McFadden- Arkansas

My prediction: Kansas City will select Glenn Dorsey

Kansas City chooses Glenn Dorsey who obviously got a HUGE advance from his agent, because he has a watch on that must be worth at least 25K. KC has had a shitty defense for years, and just lost Jared Allen their best DLineman, so they needed this.
#5 Kansas City- Glenn Dorsey DT- LSU
I hope the Jets run out of time and lose their pick...
My prediction: The Jokes will select Vernon Ghoulston.

Jets fans go bonkers after the Jets select Vernon Gholston. Showing off #1 Jersey with duct taped "Gholston" on the back, that must have taken some time. I get taunting text message from Sh!tshow "Matt Ryan goes three....and seven!" These Under Armour commercials are scary and are driving me crazy, with the screaming athletes who look like they are ready to take over the world, led by a leader athlete who looks like Ookie.
#6 NY Jets- Vernon Gholston LB- Ohio State
Here comes the Patriots: Still think they are going to trade the pick.

3:54- Af
ter some loud booing from Jets fans who were chanting "Cheaters", the Pats trade the #7 pick to the Saints. No idea what the trade was, probably going to take the 10th pick. Saints select Sedrick Ellis, the wide load possible NT from USC. Jesus another trade Jacksonville moves up from the bottom of the 1st round to 8th. This confuses me, I have no fucking clue what Jacksonville is doing.
#7 New England Patriots New Orleans Saints- Sedrick Ellis DT- USC
Ummm I am going to guess that Jacksonville goes for Branden Alberts from Virginia.
Here comes RG who announces the trade Derrick Harvey from Florida, he was a guy I thought the Pats might have liked, Urban Meyer and Belichick are tight. I guess Mel Kiper doesn't like this pick, but after one hour of listening to this my brain has shut them all out. I just look at the pretty little graphics ESPN keeps flashing. Looks like Keith Rivers is going to the Bengals, he will be a good fill in when Odell Thurman fucks up again.
#8- Jacksonville Jaguars- Derrick Harvey DE- Florida
Keith Rivers was picked by the Bengals. For some reason the Patriots are coming up, and I can hear "Dirty Water' playing in the background, which I am sure is going over well with the people at MSG. Patriots are up on the board again, and I said this before, I wouldn't be surprised if they trade down again and horde more picks. JESUS ITS THAT UNDER ARMOUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN!
#9-Cincinnati Bengals- Keith Rivers- LB USC
My prediction: I am going to go ahead and agree with FutureMrsRickAnkiel, and go with

Through the sea of boos RG announces that the Patriots selected Jerod Mayo from Tenn. who Kiper says is a great move very similar to Keith Rivers. A few Patriots fans at the draft, I am surprised they are still alive. Getting younger at LB, I like this move alot. Read my LB Preview for my thoughts on Mayo. Jesus Christ, Berman starts a joke "Hold the Mayo", Keyshawn should slug him.
#10- New England Patriots- Jarod Mayo- LB- Tenn
My prediction, the Bills will select Cromartie. What the fuck why not.
Buffalo Bills get Leodis McKelvin from Troy, right position wrong player (the college not the ancient country). Not a bad pick, gives them a warm body to throw at Randy Moss. Mrs.HazelMaesLandingStrip is giving me shit online for flip flopping on my prediction pointing out that I had Mayo on my board for the Pats but instead listened to someone else's idea. I feel very emasculated.
#11-Buffalo Bills- Leodis McKelvin-CB-Troy
My prediction is Denver Broncos will take Brendan Albert- VA
4:27p- Broncos go with Ryan Clady from Boise State. A large man. Jesus this round is flying I can't type fast enough.
Denver Broncos- Ryan Clady- OT- Boise State
4:29p I thought that Carolina would have gone for a linemen or a defensive player, but they go for Jonathan Stewart, who I have said would be nasty. Better than the garbage the Panthers have had running the ball lately.
#13 Carolina Panthers- Jonathan Stewart- RB-Oregon
Up next Da Bears.
I am going to take a breather. I will return in a bit....
Chicago Bears-OT- Chris Williams-Vanderbilt
4:38p- I have to jump back on quickly to make my routine Detroit Lions draft jokes. Jesus Berman just said "this pick is something that Bears watching", how long did it take for him to think of? Ok back to the Lions, who will they go for, Devin Thomas? Mario Manningham? Maybe this year Matt Millen won't make a pick. Is Keyshawn Johnson still alive in this broadcast, all I have heard is Mortenson, Berman and Mel (his hair is FANTASTIC today)....Lions trade down to KC...Branden Alberts is this years Brady Quinn, just less gay.


futuremrsrickankiel said...



Sh!tShow said...