Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It's Too Bad Some Band Didn't Do A Song About Kids Being Just Fine Or The Like, Or I Could Have Written A Clever Headline Here....

Well, that was impressive.

In a thriller at Fenway, Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia defeated the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 7-6 before an announced crowd of 37,982 plus the rest of the Red Sox roster. (Special guest star: Moneyball's Kevin Youkilis.) Ellsbury, who went 24-24 with 40 HR and 142 RBI, may also have impregnated several of the Angels' wives during the contest. Reports are sketchy. Pedroia remains short.

The defending AL West champs managed to rally from a 5-1 lead behind the overrated-but-still-better-than-his-brother Jered Weaver, whose fastball hasn't been the same since he dropped those 230 pounds by eating Subway subs as part of a healthy diet and exercise plan. (Results not typical. Weight loss not guaranteed.) They did, however, manage to scratch out their 5 runs against perpetual Cy Young candidate Josh Beckett, whose start...


Wait... what? David Pauley? Didn't he host the Today Show for a while? No? Well then, in that case, the Angels managed to lose a game to a AAA journeyman who's, at best, the 8th guy on the Sox starting pitcher depth chart, plus Crazy Julian Tavarez, the Hero in the Dark (who coughed up a very bad game-tieing HR to Casey Kotchman that was reminiscent of his first appearance last year), and the Ghost of Mike Timlin. (That sound you hear is Mike Scioscia popping about 42 Xanax right now.)


Oh, did I mention that Jason Varitek was out too (with "the flu")? Some might say that the flu bug has been rampaging through the Sox clubhouse this past week, making their continuing run of wins against quality opposition that much more impressive. I however, think something is up -- has anyone even heard from Mike Lowell recently? -- and blame that new guy they just hired:

New Clubhouse Attendant "Jay"



The effective-enough Pauley was rewarded for his efforts with a hearty handshake, the hope that he might get a ring and a 1/8 postseason share if everything breaks right this year, and a bus ticket back to Pawtucket. Ellsbury was rewarded for his efforts with untold amounts of hot sex from every attractive woman in Boston.*

Tomorrow's pitching matchup: Jon Another-Name-For-Tinsel vs.....

Mothra!



*Unconfirmed.

7 comments:

Sh!tShow said...

I Think Hank Steinbrenner dropped a test tube full of Ebola in the Sox clubhouse as retribution for the CURSED JERSEY OOOOOOOH!

Sean said...

*Every attractive woman in Boston = 4 chicks

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Jacobymania!!!

I've got the fever. Damn, his swing looked good last night.

Now we come to the dilemma of tonight. Jon Garland has a 5+ career ERA both at Fenway and against the Red Sox overall. I'm desperate for pitching stats though. Do I start him?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Use this handy little tool I have. If his name isn't ROY HALLADAY, and is pitching against the Sox I bench him.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Lookie!

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

If this turns into Jezebel I'm out...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

It was ONE FREAKING PICTURE and it was TOPICAL, dammit. I just wanted to make sure everyone knows which two players we are talking about!

Sigh... now one of you guys gets a free tits-related post. That was the agreement, right?