Friday, April 18, 2008

Historical Monologue

For years — OK, a couple of days — MH writer Sh!tshow has been tinkering with a concept called Baseball poetry, short for "The Sh!tshow's (SSW) High School English Final," which tracks the consensus of the Red Sox punditocracy to ensure those triumphant declarations from Friday aren't flushed down the memory hole on Monday. Here's this week's SSW.


Friends, Bostonians, Hysterians, grab me a beer;

I come to bury Papi, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interrèd with their bones.
So let it be with Papi. The noble Massholes
Hath told you Papi was all finished.
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Papi answered it.
Here under leave of Massholes and the rest
(For a Masshole is an honorable man;
So are they all, all honorable men),
Come I to speak in Papi's funeral.
He was our slugger, clutch and heroic to me;
But a Masshole says he was all finished,
And a Masshole is an honorable man.
He hath brought many titles home to own,
Whose images did the followers mem’ries fill.
Did this in Papi seem all finished?
When the fans have cried, Papi hath wept;
All finished? Should be made of sterner stuff.
Yet a Masshole says he was ambitious;
And a Masshole is an honorable man.
You all did see that on the brink
they twice attempted to sit us down,
Which he did twice refuse. Was this “all finished?”
Yet a Masshole says he was all finished;
And sure he is an honorable man.
I speak not to disprove what this Masshole spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause.
What cause withholds you then to cheer for him?
O judgment, thou art fled to boorish beasts,
And men have lost their reason! Bear with me.
My heart stays in the box there with Papi,
And I pause till it come back to me.

6 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Somewhere Rob Weintraub is clapping slowly for you.

Sh!tShow said...

WHO ASKED YOU ASSHOLE I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY!!!!!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Old SSW: Sh!tShow writes drunk pieces ranting about the Bruins.

New SSW: Sh!tShow gets an A in 9th-grade English class. As a 26-year-old.

Sh!tShow said...

I'm sorry, did I screw up the timing of the "OMG PHIL KESSEL IS SUCH A CUTIE PATOOTIE!!" post?

Sh!tShow said...

Just read the disclaimer.

Oh, we are some clever ass motherfuckers, eh?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Blech no way dude. Phil Kessel is like what would happen if Chris Farley and the sister from Ferris Bueller had a kid.

Now Savvy, on the other hand...