Monday, April 28, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Al Horford

Dear Al,

I can’t tell you how much it pains me to tell someone who went to the Greatest University in All the Land to gorge on a basket of phalii (with tartar sauce), but, in your actions of Saturday night, you have forced me to do so. You, sir, made me cry tears of joy twice in your career as a Florida Fucking Gator, but now you will make me cry tears of laughter when Paul Pierce gives you the Iron Sheik Humbling treatment.

But then you went and done did this:

Seriously, Al? You won a game. One game. At home. Your team won a little more than half as many games as the Celtics during the regular season. You’re down 2-1 in the series, and the first two games were such blowouts that P.J. Brown received playing time in both. That guy was retired like two months ago.

And to piss off Paul Pierce? Is that REALLY the guy you want to anger? The guy has been to six All-Star games, or six more than you. Dude got stabbed in the face 49 times and came back and played an hour later. He You don’t think he’s going to drop 50 on your ass, then have his boys from Inglewood carjack you after the game? Pierce is friends with Antoine Walker man, and that guy would do anything for the right amount of money, including shooting you in the leg and shimmying away in glee.

Most importantly, you’re a goddamned rookie. Who gave you the right to talk in the first place? In the NFL, if you even said “Hi” to the media, your teammates would sodomize you in the shower while simultaneously shaving your head forcing you to sing “Polly Wolly Doodle.” Ray Lewis would most certainly stab you. Shawne Merriman would break every bone in your body. The Broncos would send you to a nightclub to have you shot, and then make you bleed all over Javon Walker.

I would conclude by telling you to eat a bag of dicks, Al, but instead, I’m having Paul Pierce serve them to you tonight. Way to piss off The Truth, buddy. Good luck with allll that.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Nicely done on all fronts. I agree that Horford has been an exciting player to watch in the past (you know I share in your weakness for the Gators), but misplaced confidence is an ugly thing in a young player. The Greeks had a word for this: it's called hubris, and it means the Fates are coming for your ass.

Tarter sauce sounds strangely tasty. Are these phalli dipped in Cajun batter and deep-fried?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Can I also nominate the lack of a shot clock during Game 2 for an "Eat bag of dicks"

Also the woman ref (go make me some bacon and eggs QUACK QUACK)

That is all.

Sh!tShow said...

They couldnt make the spread high enough tonight.

Starting Aces said...

Ill I could think of during that celebration was: HAMARTIA 2K8