Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Dear Donnie Walsh

Dear Donnie Walsh,

Congrats on the new job! President of Basketball Operations for the New York Knicks sure is an important job, and I'm sure there's a lot on your plate. As I understand it, some mean old media types have been trying to tell you how to do your job, and encouraging you to fire two-time NBA Champion Isiah Thomas, your coach. In response to those ne’er do-wells, I wanted to write you this letter, asking you to pay them no mind.



Now, I know that some people may point to Isiah’s record as a coach this season, which will finish last in the Atlantic Division. But did you know that one of those victories was against the Bulls? They’ve won six championships! They used to have Michael Jordan! You wouldn’t fire a coach for beating a team that used to have Michael Jordan, would you? Besides, you're going to get an awesome draft pick out of it since Isiah didn't trade this year's pick away like he did virtually every other year.

Other rabble-rousers have pointed to the $11.6 million dollar sexual harassment settlement that was awarded to a former Knicks employee. Sure, some have blamed Isiah for this court decision, but Isiah was truly guilty, then why isn’t he in jail with the rest of the criminals? Hmmm? And besides, if you owned a tobacco company, an $11.6 million settlement would be considered as getting off light. Betcha never thought of it that way.

Some have even said that the Knicks “gave up” on the season under Isiah, especially given that most of the starters magically contracted injuries late in the season and the fact that your point guard hasn't gone near Madison Square Garden in months. But, I ask you, if your players truly "gave up," then why do most of them still show up to the building on gamedays? I sure know that if I gave up on a job, I wouldn't fight through New York City traffic to get there!

Besides, if you fire Isiah, imagine the man hours and effort that will have to go into breaking in someone new.That’s a new ID swipe card, a new office nameplate, a new parking passes, and new pens. And it's obviously clear that Isiah doesn't use up all of your valuable notebooks, whiteboards and Post-Its doing draft research, and I can guaran-damn-tee you that New Guy will drive up costs on those things like crazy. And let's not even talk about the HR training that New Guy will have to go through, especially with that new sexual harassment unit that everyone has to go through.
But I'm sure you have a bad taste in your mouth from last night's 99-93 loss to the Celtics, especially because the C's kinda sorta happened to sit out Garnett, Allen and Pierce while doing so. But think of it - you still lost to the best team in the league! Even more, of the Celtics' 65 wins this season, only four were over the Knicks. That's only six percent! And only one of those losses was by more than 40 points! Could another coach do that?



And let's not even talk about the toll that a firing would take on Mr. Thomas himself. The Ghost of Coaching Future shows me a jobless Isiah, sitting alone in a room, drunk, lying next to a picture of him kissing Magic Johnson in happier days. Popcorn and uncashed unemployment checks are strewn about the room, along with a single CBA basketball, teetering on a hastily made stand. Isiah then gets up and starts crying, muttering "black bitch, black bitch" to himself, before tripping over a pair of red-and-white pinstriped pants, causing him to skin his knee. That blood would be on your hands, Mr. Walsh. That blood, would be on your hands.

To conclude, Mr. Walsh, I want to reiterate what a terrible decision it would be to fire Isiah Thomas. You'd just be doing what everyone wants you to do, and I'm sure you didn't get to where you are today by being a follower. Be your own man and keep Isiah as your coach. Besides, he hasn't even sexually harassed you. Yet.

1 comment:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

This were a briny mess o' HTML, 'twere. Yarr.

ACTUALLY phenomenal, though. I love how subtly you worked the Celtics recap in there. Nicely played, GHABBY.

Sorry for the delay on Bruins posts, boys. I have bronchitis and a whole mess of unfinished tax forms weighing me down. Up by tonight!