Tuesday, April 29, 2008

News Of The World of the Base-Ball

Salutations and greetings; it is I, Worthington P. Foxtrotty IV, your loyal reporter of all things concerning the fantastick new pass-time known as "the base-ball."

Your Reporter
Having completed my traipse from the Fens to our state-of-the-art printing presses here at the Boston Daily American and Irish-Abuser, I am pleased to note that reports of cholera are down to a mere 75 per week in that far western neighborhood, wherein play the local professional base-ball club, the Boston Red Stockings. While the thought of such hoodlums earning upwards of $0.75 per day playing this so-called "sport" may offend the senses, the fact remains that thousands of the unwashed peasantry of the Hub of the Universe have adopted the Red Stockings as a pleasant diversion from their lives of drudgery and toil. Today the men of the Stockings faced a professional club from the Dominion of Canada, who go by the self-styled monicker of "Bleu Jais". This swarthy lot of ill-bred fur trappers sent their notorious pitch-thrower Roycraft Halliday (bad seed third son of the Denver Hallidays) to the New Huntington Grounds to combat our local nine.

Despite the anger of our Lord at such frivolity, expressed by the most accurate simulacrum of His flood sent to test Noah -- not to mention the wave of cow-filth washed in by the deluge from the adjacent pastures -- the contest was nonetheless prosecuted at twenty past the seventh hour. Our local hero, the illustrious Jonathan Lester (who, despite his crippling battle with scurvy last year, has been known to best TWO men at the same time in fisticuffs), dispatched the ruffians with expediency for eight frames of base-ball. Unfortunately, the rustic Halladay was our hero's equal, matching him thrown-ball for thrown-ball.

At last, however, Fate, the tawdry, fickle Jezebel that she is, bested the provincials, and led our local nine to triumph. In the ninth frame of base-ball, the mighty Halliday dispatched the Free Negro known as Covelli Crisp with dispatch. (Free-man Crisp, whose employment by the Red Stockings base-ball club stands as a shining example of our Nation's progress in the twenty-five years since the War Between the States, was allowed a chance to participate due to the indisposition of the popular and charming half-breed Ellsbury, whose syphilis acted up at a late hour.) Recent Sicilian immigrant Dustin Pate (born Diecenzio Xaverius Pedroia di Palermo) was no more successful. Damnable Papist!

With the vile Halladay looking invincible, it was up to the unlikeliest association of heros to save the day for the local nine. First, Caribbean-born Free Negro Ortiz, a citizen of the Kingdom of Spain -- whom I believe plays as the "designated pinch-hitter" when not serving as an indentured apprentice at team manager Terrianiti Francona's blacksmithery (damnable Papists!) -- drew a timely bases-on-balls, while his countryman Ramirez rocketed a single-hit to the center field. The stage was set for the Mighty Greek, Youkilis, to end the terrorizing reign of Halliday. And one! And two! And flies the ball to center field! It is a hit! Rumble and stumble, Ortiz has tallied a score! Pandemonium ensues as the Red Stockings surround the Hero Mighty Greek! Huzzah!

As the tired but pleased fans fought and caroused into the night, exhaused by the gruelingly long two hour and eighteen minute contest, the battered Canucks retreated to their dormitory-houses for the night. The two sporting clubs, proud gladiators of this Nineteenth Century, will meet again at the New Huntington Grounds tomorrow, when the Inscrutable Chinee Matsuzaki will serve as the local hurler, against the foreigner's Dustin McGowan (presumably also a damnable Papist).

BREAKING NEWS: Sources have informed this reporter that the Mighty Greek Youkilis is not, in fact, a Greek, but is instead one of the money-changing Hebrites. Shocking!!!!

Yo Bitches, start yo' engines


Randy Moss is an enigma, that has never been disputed. The Pat's star receiver has some extra curricula activities that will keep him busy during the off season. Randy Moss has shown in the past that his interests include beating spending time with his girlfriend, smoking weed, disappearing in the playoffs, yet he has a new hobby. Truck Racing. No, I'm not kidding, Moss is going to be forming "Moss Motorsports" which will be competing in the NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series.

We don’t have all of the details in place just yet, but I am very excited about Moss Motorsports becoming a part of NASCAR,” Moss said. “I am by nature a very competitive person and this is an outlet for me to compete at another level. There are some pretty awesome challenges in building a program like this from the ground up, but I am looking forward to it. That’s just another aspect of the competition – you want to find the best people available and you’re competing with all the other teams out there. We’re starting to look at who the best people are and working on getting them to be a part of our team.” (msnbc.com)

I am stunned that Moss has the slightest clue what this sport entails, because he seems to lack the usual characteristics of a NASCAR fan (insert whatever stereotype you want). Right now Moss has no drivers on his team, but there is a certain retired Red Sox left fielder who could suit up and drive his truck for Team Moss.

Not. Fucking. Cool.

Trying to cheer myself up on a dreary Tuesday morning. Look, the mistress of my least favorite baseball player admitted that she did indeed have a relationship with him as a teenager. That's fun. Oh, over there, some soccer guy is being questioned about transvestite prostitutes, lending further credence to my theory that soccer gives you AIDS. Quite the laugh there. What else. Oh, look, the Diamondbacks called up a pitcher whose name sounds like he skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war. Bet Berman won't make that joke. Hmm...looking for news, looking for news...

Oh, that's right. The motherfucking Celtics LOST. LOST! To the cock-loving Hawks. The series is 2-2 against the goddamned 8 seed! Fuckshitbabyrapingcockballsfistingmotherfuckingshitfuckshit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

But it's not even that they lost. Teams lose, especially on the road, and the joy of a seven-game series is that a team must lose four times in said series. Which I don't see happening to the Celtics in this series, despite the pants-shit of last night's game.

No, what bothered me is how they lost, and how it may portend for the future. Super-athletic swingman exploits our older defenders to score a shitload. Ya think LeBron won't do the same thing? Physical big men push around our forwards for rebounds, especially late in the game. Figure Detroit may have been taking notes? The Celtics struggled to get shots off down low against a premium shot blocker in Josh Smith. You don't think Dwight Howard will have a field day? Worst of all, KG's late-game plan of "make the same low-post move for every single shot in the last two minutes, no matter whether your triple-covered or not" is slightly flawed, and would be devoured by any team with a servicable frontcourt.

Look, I still think that the C's are going to win this series, but, to borrow a term oft-used during the football season, the Hawks have laid quite the blueprint for beating our beloved Celtics. But I'm worried that the rest of the playoff field is going to wear out tape of last night's game like I wore out my Dad's copy of "The Devil in Miss Jones."

Which reminds me: I miss 80's tits. They were fuller, came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and looked completely different (and better) than the "enhanced" tits of today. Aaaah, yes, 80's tits. Now there's a distraction.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Welcome to New England, ROOKIES!!!!!


Ok, I refuse to grade the Patriots draft picks as I mentioned before. I have no idea how these guys are going to end up, I trust Bill Belichick but I won't get excited about a player until I see them play a game at NFL speed. The Patriots did what people expected them to, which was filling needs in their linebacking core and cornerback crew, while improving a pick for next year (Yes I get excited when the Pats pick up a 2nd round pick, my life is pathetic).Unlike last year there were no huge trade that brought a marquise player in, Jason Taylor and Chad Johnson won't be in Foxborough next year (well as of now). Of course there are question marks about some of these players, and drafting a QB instead of a TE makes me scratch my head. But overall, unlikes GHABBY!(who is befuddled by the Patriots draft class) I am pretty happy with this draft class.

Finally, we have some youth to slide into our linebacking corp. After last years Super Blow, it was painfully obvious that the defense needed an injection of young blood. As a collective unit, they looked like they were sucking wind the entire game. I am a big Tedy Bruschi supporter, but he disappeared in the Super Bowl and during the past few years he has gone the Ray Lewis route in my mind (never makes the big play but jumps on the pile at the end). Junior Seau may or may not come back (I read today he will be, he just needs a physical and work out a contract), and Vrabel is getting old too. Eric Alexander is nothing more than a special teamer, and I cringe every time I see him on the field. At least the veterans can mentor fo the two rookies, and show them how to not get their ass handed to them by Belichick. (Hint: He HATES it when rookies talk to the media). Jerod Mayo and Shawn Crable are both versatile players that could start immediately, but knowing Belichick's style one or both probably will be start off on special teams or be slowly incorporated into the defense.

The Pats also used a 2nd and 4th round pick to fill needs in the secondary. Samuel, Gay and Eugene Wilson are all gone, leaving ummm...Brendan Meriweather, Rodney HGHarrison and James Sanders as the only returners. Ouch, that is scary. How did Belichick fix this? He grabbed a bunch of scrubs as free agents, but I can't imagine any of them will be a factor. He grabbed a guy who has alot of talent but a wrist that has had 3 surgeries was fused together and still has limited mobility. Jesus. Another corner struggles to get his hands on the ball and gets hurt alot. Awesome. Bill, I know this will never happen but please, please, please I am begging you, figure out a way to trade and sign Lito Sheppard. He wants out of Philly, its a win win situation! Give them a 2nd round pick next year, come on we have two! I know you wouldn't give Asante Samuel the money he demanded, but there is no fucking way we can go into next season with the secondary in the shape its in. Somewhere in Manningville Peyton is licking his chops.

The Pats also picked up a QB to fill in for Cassel after he becomes a free agent, and another Wide Receiver (why the hell not?). We still have some depth issues at TE, Ben Watson is made of glass, David Thomas is white, and Marcus Pollard is Marcus Pollard. The off season starts to heat up now, as mini camps and preseason workouts begin, aren't you excited to see non contact drills and running plays without pads? Woooo!

Image courtesy of Boston.com

Making up with hockey

So the Bruins are out of the postseason.

That’s the first time I’ve actually typed that. This is a step forward.
It was a great series. It really was. I expressed cautious optimism. I got swept up in the momentum. I refused to get discouraged. In the end, though, I was left weeping sloppily in my apartment with my roommate sympathetically attempting to feed me rice as Montreal coasted off with the series win. Au revoir, fuckers.

However, we’re still in the thick of the Stanley Cup playoffs, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a thing like crippling depression or crushing disappointment keep me from enjoying the greatest month of the greatest sport in the world. BOOYAH. (Hey, and the Providence Bruins are leading their divisional playoffs series 2-0!)

That said, it’s time to pick sides among those who remain. My first loyalty obviously, inevitably goes to the San Jose Sharks, who cruised into the playoffs at the top of the Pacific Division with a whopping 108 points on the season. I get a little twinge every time I watch the Sharks play: god, I miss Joe Thornton. The Sharks are currently down 2 games to Dallas (GO BACK TO MINNESOTA YOU LAMEWADS) in the Conference semifinals, but I remain confident that my Joey will lead them into the Cup finals in a blaze of glory – or, at the very least, will pound the shit out of Steve Ott for being a dirty-hitting little rat. Observe:

Mmm. That goes down smooth.

My pick for the Eastern conference? Well, that’s a little embarrassing to admit. Obviously, I adore Sidney Crosby. This is not optional. If you love hockey, you love Crosby. People who whine about him taking dives and deliberately drawing calls don’t fucking know what they’re talking about. The kid is the purest incarnation of the sport we’ve seen since Wayne Gretsky. He’s obviously been coached to play cautiously and avoid the hit, since he’s a) the team captain, b) the strongest offensive player on the team, and c) an easy and obvious target for ice thugs. This isn’t football, kids. Crosby is god.

Speaking of ice thugs... you know who else I love?


Heh. I love Avery for the same reason I love Roger Clemens and Chad Johnson: he’s just such an unrepentant bastard. He loves playing the villain, and he does it gleefully and well. My favorite Avery moment ever came in an interview after the oh-so-contentious series with New Jersey, when the much put-upon Martin Brodeur (understandably, perhaps) refused to shake Avery’s hand following the final game. Avery’s response: “Everybody talks about how unclassy I am, and fatso over there forgot to shake my hand.” BAHAHA. I would totally go drinking with Sean Avery. I freaking love Sean Avery. So, here we go: LET’S GO RANGERS!

Is it a coincidence that both teams I’m pulling for have blown 3-0 game leads in the playoffs already? Ah, well. A Sharks/Rangers final series would be scrappy and entertaining as hell – and virtually guaranteed to go 7 games. Bring it on.


Not so catchy?

The Rays Are The Devil


There there, fella. I feel ya.

Even with the myriad of injuries and ills that have assaulted the Sox over the past two weeks, one would think the defending champions had enough in the gas tank to take one or two from the Rays over the weekend. Wakefield, who went game one, has historically been dominant against Tampa Bay. ClayBalls was scheduled for game two, and outside that meltdown in NYC, he has been pretty nasty thus far this year. And Beckett was set to come back for game three after missing time do to the flu, neck soreness, and gigantic ballsyawesomeness. I was hoping sweep, but figured at least two out of three.

Then Friday night we lost in extra frames after having chances in the ninth, tenth and eleventh...

And on Saturday night, Clay hung a curve to Akinori Iwamura in an otherwise superb start...

And then, for shits and giggles, the Sox bats took Sunday off to get ready for... their Monday off, wasting a great start from Josh Beckett.

All in all, not Super Phun Times for Sox fans. I think I'm gonna toss Boomtown Rats on repeat and cry into my coffee.

Notes that are gonna piss me off as I type them...

I watched Clay pitch at a friend's family party in Southie Saturday, one of those situations where all the women are out in the living room talking while the men huddle around the tv and talk sports. It's amazing how everyone becomes an expert with a few beers in them while talking on front of strangers. I think I heard about the spin of a 12-6 curve ball discussed seven times during the game.

That Iwamura home run was painful, from the beginning of the pitch where you could see it hanging, through the contact when you knew it was gone, to the flip of the bat that made me wish the city of Uwajima had never been founded after annexing the village of Yahata in 1921 (thanks to Wikipedia, you learned something today!) What a kick in the nuts.

I woulda bet my life that Beckett was gonna come up big and stop the sweep. Thankfully my bookie doesn't consider "human souls" currency.

After Josh struck out the first five, I started trying to think of witty text messages to send people notifying them of his current domination. I was toying with something involving the movie The Scout, or something about balls made of pure badass. Yes, I know neither of these would have been witty, but I didn't send them, so it doesn't matter.

By the way Josh, that's twice you've started a game on a Sunday to stop a sweep, and twice you have not gotten the win. I know you pitched well and didn't get support. I'm just saying.

All in all, the Sox looked plain tired all weekend. I think the time off and coming home is exactly what they need. Let's just hope they don't lose to the off day. Starting Tuesday, the Blue Jays come to Fenway, and if we get past Halladay at home, I say sweep.

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Al Horford


Dear Al,

I can’t tell you how much it pains me to tell someone who went to the Greatest University in All the Land to gorge on a basket of phalii (with tartar sauce), but, in your actions of Saturday night, you have forced me to do so. You, sir, made me cry tears of joy twice in your career as a Florida Fucking Gator, but now you will make me cry tears of laughter when Paul Pierce gives you the Iron Sheik Humbling treatment.

But then you went and done did this:

Seriously, Al? You won a game. One game. At home. Your team won a little more than half as many games as the Celtics during the regular season. You’re down 2-1 in the series, and the first two games were such blowouts that P.J. Brown received playing time in both. That guy was retired like two months ago.

And to piss off Paul Pierce? Is that REALLY the guy you want to anger? The guy has been to six All-Star games, or six more than you. Dude got stabbed in the face 49 times and came back and played an hour later. He You don’t think he’s going to drop 50 on your ass, then have his boys from Inglewood carjack you after the game? Pierce is friends with Antoine Walker man, and that guy would do anything for the right amount of money, including shooting you in the leg and shimmying away in glee.

Most importantly, you’re a goddamned rookie. Who gave you the right to talk in the first place? In the NFL, if you even said “Hi” to the media, your teammates would sodomize you in the shower while simultaneously shaving your head forcing you to sing “Polly Wolly Doodle.” Ray Lewis would most certainly stab you. Shawne Merriman would break every bone in your body. The Broncos would send you to a nightclub to have you shot, and then make you bleed all over Javon Walker.

I would conclude by telling you to eat a bag of dicks, Al, but instead, I’m having Paul Pierce serve them to you tonight. Way to piss off The Truth, buddy. Good luck with allll that.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Last night I saw Mel Kiper Jr in my nightmares....


So if you read any of my riveting analysis of the draft yesterday, you would have noticed that I sort of trailed off after the 16th pick. I learned a valuable lesson, the NFL DRAFT IS FUCKING LONG. True, 10 minutes a pick is shorter than in the past, but the first round took over three hours. I dare you, try and sit in one place and try to watch ESPN for three hours straight, and then please chart how bored you get- related to the hours watched. After seeing the same scary Under Armour commercial for the 23rd time, and listen to Berman's inane analysis on two players with the name "Long" going one-two, I promise you will get the way I got angry belligerent and sorely needing a drink or 12. As minutes turned into hours the voices of Berman, Keyshawn and Mort all blended together, I couldn't comprehend basic English anymore and I just stopped listening and turned off my tv.

Some other ramblings about the draft:

* How can someone judge a teams draft before the players actually take the field? All the experts, and best of all the fans are all giving grades to the draft. How do they know that Chris Long will be the next Julius Peppers and not the next Marquise Hill (sorry too soon?).? As long as your team addresses their needs that should be a good sign, not whether they get the biggest name on the board.
* I thought it was hilarious that Detroit is getting ripped for drafting Gosder Cherilus, isn't this a step in the right direction? I mean when was the last time Matt Millen drafted a non skill player in the first round? Shouldn't they be excited? Being from Boston, I guess I would need to see the insane vitriol (it took me about 10 minutes to this word) they have for Millen.
* I want to know what human, cyborg, or sentient computer with thoughts feed Mel Kiper Jr his information. There is no way anyone could know as much information as he has. Even a guy with a large head like his, there is no way he could pull off a "He is going to be a great pro, after watching him throw for 300 Yards against McNeese St. I am convinced he can do this in the NFL". No way he knows all this.
* The NFL draft really made me appreciate Jets and Giants fans all over again. Actually in the later rounds I found them to be very useful, whenever I stopped paying attention to the draft I could leave it on and and immediately tell whenever the Pats were on the board. "BOOOOOO" "CHEATERS" "18-1" I guess these taunts are meant to hurt Pats fans, but honestly who cares? Jets becoming relevant again and then you can chant all you want. I guess "4-12!" doesn't have a good ring.
* When the draft hits late third round early fourth round, I challenge any of you to analyze any of these players. I see players flying off the board from colleges I didn't know had a college football team, Rice, San Diego State, an Winston Salem State (which sounds like a brand of cigarettes) I have no clue who most of these players are, and if you have heard their name they probably won't become anything in the NFL because they have so many question marks.

Well, back to the draft, time to waste another day away watching the draft on ESPN. Keep me in your prayers.

Now You've Made Them Angry...


...and you won't like them when they're angry.

Hawks 102, Celtics 93. Soak it up Atlanta, cause that's the only one you're getting.

Also, if I was to have written this column, then it theoretically would have been the most fun I've had writing for NBA.com. If I was to have written such a thing, of course.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Mass Hysteria's First Annual Draft Selection Extravanganza


Welcome all, I am going to start live blogging this bitch early as news is flying around ESPN with all sorts of crap happening! I am really excited to be blogging about this, which makes me a complete loser. We already know that Jake Long is going to go to the Dolphins, which is good move, the only negative being that Long looks like he is about 40.

2:15p- Listening to ESPN, Michael Smith is saying that the #2 will be Chris Long from Virginia (the son of Howie Long). The Crypt Keeper and Mortenson both report that my boy Matt Ryan are going to go #3 to the Falcons. At least I won't have to watch the Pats destroy him twice a year. Have fun resurrecting a decimated franchise!

2:30p- Here is a drinking game, every time they show or refer to Howie Long, drink. If you plan to try this please don't drive.

2:31p- If you decided to do the drinking game, you would have to take at least 8 drinks now, as Boomer makes a string of stupid Howie Long jokes, followed by an interview with HOWIE LONG.

2:44p- ESPN is disclosing all of Darren McFadden's personal life. Mother was a crack head, he is one of 12 kids and most of his brothers are in gangs. Jesus tough life. Will fit in well with Oakland if he is drafted by the Raiders.

2:55p- Showing lots of pictures of Matty Ryan, who looks goofy. Has a fucking cowlick and combover. Berman goes on and on about Ryan having "it", whatever the fuck that means. It's now five minutes to the start of the draft and Berman is already pissing me off. Keyshawn shirt looks like it was made out of a tablecloth. Pimp? I guess.

3:03p- Roger Goodell comes to podium. Makes brief announcment. Dolphins pick of Jake Long is announced. Jets fans begin booing like the classy fans they are. One is holding a sign "Draft mistakes end today". Love the optimism, and the correct spelling!
#1. Dolphins- Jake Long OG- Michigan

3:13p- RG comes back out, very anticlimatic for the first two picks as the Rams pick Chris Long. This guy was a beast in the ACC...Here it comes. Ten more miuntes. Matty Ryan. I should disclose that I currently have my Doug Flutie throwback BC jersey on and by lucky BC hat. My heart is getting a little skittish. NO THIS ISN'T GAY!
#2. St. Louis Rams- Chris Long DE Virginia

Hold on a second I need to go clean myself off. ESPN puts up a graphic, Fans grade "C". Again ESPN viewers letting me down. I am already calling it, Atlanta Falcons will be a contender in two years.

#3. Atlanta Falcons- Matt Ryan QB- BC
3:26- My prediction: Oakland will select Darren McFadden, they need a RB and Al Davis falls in love with big names.
3:28p- Oakland goes with McFadden, Jets fans again are pissed as another stud is gone that could have helped their team. I hope Glenn Dorsey goes #5, which will probably start a riot in Madison Square Garden.
#4- Oakland Raiders- Darren McFadden- Arkansas

My prediction: Kansas City will select Glenn Dorsey

Kansas City chooses Glenn Dorsey who obviously got a HUGE advance from his agent, because he has a watch on that must be worth at least 25K. KC has had a shitty defense for years, and just lost Jared Allen their best DLineman, so they needed this.
#5 Kansas City- Glenn Dorsey DT- LSU
I hope the Jets run out of time and lose their pick...
My prediction: The Jokes will select Vernon Ghoulston.

Jets fans go bonkers after the Jets select Vernon Gholston. Showing off #1 Jersey with duct taped "Gholston" on the back, that must have taken some time. I get taunting text message from Sh!tshow "Matt Ryan goes three....and seven!" These Under Armour commercials are scary and are driving me crazy, with the screaming athletes who look like they are ready to take over the world, led by a leader athlete who looks like Ookie.
#6 NY Jets- Vernon Gholston LB- Ohio State
Here comes the Patriots: Still think they are going to trade the pick.

3:54- Af
ter some loud booing from Jets fans who were chanting "Cheaters", the Pats trade the #7 pick to the Saints. No idea what the trade was, probably going to take the 10th pick. Saints select Sedrick Ellis, the wide load possible NT from USC. Jesus another trade Jacksonville moves up from the bottom of the 1st round to 8th. This confuses me, I have no fucking clue what Jacksonville is doing.
#7 New England Patriots New Orleans Saints- Sedrick Ellis DT- USC
Ummm I am going to guess that Jacksonville goes for Branden Alberts from Virginia.
Here comes RG who announces the trade Derrick Harvey from Florida, he was a guy I thought the Pats might have liked, Urban Meyer and Belichick are tight. I guess Mel Kiper doesn't like this pick, but after one hour of listening to this my brain has shut them all out. I just look at the pretty little graphics ESPN keeps flashing. Looks like Keith Rivers is going to the Bengals, he will be a good fill in when Odell Thurman fucks up again.
#8- Jacksonville Jaguars- Derrick Harvey DE- Florida
Keith Rivers was picked by the Bengals. For some reason the Patriots are coming up, and I can hear "Dirty Water' playing in the background, which I am sure is going over well with the people at MSG. Patriots are up on the board again, and I said this before, I wouldn't be surprised if they trade down again and horde more picks. JESUS ITS THAT UNDER ARMOUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN!
#9-Cincinnati Bengals- Keith Rivers- LB USC
My prediction: I am going to go ahead and agree with FutureMrsRickAnkiel, and go with

Through the sea of boos RG announces that the Patriots selected Jerod Mayo from Tenn. who Kiper says is a great move very similar to Keith Rivers. A few Patriots fans at the draft, I am surprised they are still alive. Getting younger at LB, I like this move alot. Read my LB Preview for my thoughts on Mayo. Jesus Christ, Berman starts a joke "Hold the Mayo", Keyshawn should slug him.
#10- New England Patriots- Jarod Mayo- LB- Tenn
My prediction, the Bills will select Cromartie. What the fuck why not.
Buffalo Bills get Leodis McKelvin from Troy, right position wrong player (the college not the ancient country). Not a bad pick, gives them a warm body to throw at Randy Moss. Mrs.HazelMaesLandingStrip is giving me shit online for flip flopping on my prediction pointing out that I had Mayo on my board for the Pats but instead listened to someone else's idea. I feel very emasculated.
#11-Buffalo Bills- Leodis McKelvin-CB-Troy
My prediction is Denver Broncos will take Brendan Albert- VA
4:27p- Broncos go with Ryan Clady from Boise State. A large man. Jesus this round is flying I can't type fast enough.
Denver Broncos- Ryan Clady- OT- Boise State
4:29p I thought that Carolina would have gone for a linemen or a defensive player, but they go for Jonathan Stewart, who I have said would be nasty. Better than the garbage the Panthers have had running the ball lately.
#13 Carolina Panthers- Jonathan Stewart- RB-Oregon
Up next Da Bears.
I am going to take a breather. I will return in a bit....
Chicago Bears-OT- Chris Williams-Vanderbilt
4:38p- I have to jump back on quickly to make my routine Detroit Lions draft jokes. Jesus Berman just said "this pick is something that Bears watching", how long did it take for him to think of? Ok back to the Lions, who will they go for, Devin Thomas? Mario Manningham? Maybe this year Matt Millen won't make a pick. Is Keyshawn Johnson still alive in this broadcast, all I have heard is Mortenson, Berman and Mel (his hair is FANTASTIC today)....Lions trade down to KC...Branden Alberts is this years Brady Quinn, just less gay.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Who Dat?: Draft Preview: Ah screw it, just get to your predictions!


For the past two weeks you have listened to me go through and analyze some of the top prospects to enter the NFL draft. Boring, I know. I am going to go ahead and skip the rest of the positions because well, they aren't very interesting and I can't see the Pats using a high draft pick on any of them. There is one position I never covered though. And I want to throw my two cents in, and give you what I think the Pats are going to do in the first round of the draft. You can hold me to my prediction, slam me relentlessly, and mock me in the comments when I am most certainly wrong. My prediction is revolutionary, different, and probably unique. My pick is (drum roll please) :

Yes, Matt Ryan, Matty Ice, Matty Ball Game, the chosen son of BC football, whatever the hell you want to call him. Tom Brady isn't a spring chicken anymore and a career threatening injury could hit him any day. How reassuring would it be for Pats fans to have the best QB on the board holding the clipboard instead of Matt Cassel? It makes sense people! And think of the merchandising! Following in the steps of Doug Flutie, Matty Ryan will be staying close to his fan base in New England. Bill Belichick totally buys into this logic, screw going after glaring holes in the LB core or in the terrifyingly undermanned secondary. SENTIMENTALITY WILL RULE. So yeah, with the #7 pick the New England Patriots will select Matt Ryan from the Boston College Eagles. Take it to the Heights Baby! I'd crack a beer to that pick!

Hazel Maes Landing Strip does not actually believe any of the preceding post, in fact he thinks the Pats would be really stupid to go after Matt Ryan. But he likes to dream. Read the comments for HZMLS actual prediction....

Thursday, April 24, 2008

When it rains, it pours.....

First Lobel, then the massive exodus from the Globe, and now....

May you pick up all the 7-10 splits in heaven, Don....

Who the...

With the flu apparently raging through the Red Sox bullpen, the Fenway mound has seen a number of unfamiliar faces in this week's series against the Angels. For your enlightenment, here is a quick-and-dirty analysis of who we're looking at and what their future with the Sox might entail.

David Pauley: 24-year-old righty. His MLB debut was on May 31, 2006; he ultimately started 3 games for the Sox that year and posted a 7.88 ERA (eek!) with 10 Ks (not bad) over 16 innings. Not likely to ever be above a 4th starter, but reasonably consistent and a good fielder. His best pitches are his sinker and his curveball. His fastball is low-90s. He started 26 games in Pawtucket last year and posted a 4.33 ERA over 153.2 innings, with 110 Ks and 49 BBs (blech, buddy, throw that shit OVER THE PLATE). Pauley took Beckett's start on Tuesday against Anaheim/Los Angeles/whatever, where it became evident that his sinkers sometimes don't, uh, sink. Pauley's real weakness, apart from his control issues, seems to be a tendency to give up HRs. He's back in Pawtucket now. FUTUREMRS SAYS: Not clear more time in AAA will develop him significantly more, especially given his tendency to walk batters; if anything, time in the majors will help him learn how to work more seasoned batters. He can throw strikeouts, so let's stick him in the bullpen and let him work the 6th and 7th for a while.

Craig Hansen: 24-year-old righty. Being groomed as a reliever and, ultimately, a closer. Throws comfortably in the mid-90s and is rumored to possess a nasty slider -- his ability to throw that consistently will make the difference between his minor-league and major-league careers. His MLB debut was ON MY BIRTHDAY in 2005, and he worked 38 innings for the Sox in 2006, striking out 30 on a 6.63 ERA. He was called up for yesterday's loss to the Angels, where he was plunked into a tie game in the 6th. His pitching looked speedier than it has in the past and he was able to retire 2 batters, but was ultimately ganked after giving up a solo HR to Casey Kotchman that would go on to win the Angels the game. Like Pauley, Hansen was shipped back down to Pawtucket immediately following the game. FUTUREMRS SAYS: I see this kid getting shellshocked if he spends too much time in the majors right now. Let him keep working on his speed in Pawtucket; he could ultimately be a nice complement to lefty Okajima in September.

And finally, today's man:

Justin Masterson: 22-year-old righty. Masterson is making his debut TODAY at Fenway. Woo! The lanky sinkerballer is 1-0 over 4 starts with an other-worldly 0.95 ERA in Portland this season. The strength of his sinker is said to be the variation with which he can hurl it, fluctuating between mid-80s and mid-90s and thus baffling hitters. Masterson only converted to starter last year in single-A Lancaster; he started 10 games for the AA Sea Dogs in 2007 and posted a 4.34 ERA with 59 Ks and only 18 walks through 58 innings. The stat I really love is his 16.50 K/BB ratio over 31 innings pitched in Lowell in 2006. Yowza! No wonder Boston is all a-twitter about this young lad taking the mound for Dice-K today. FUTUREMRS SAYS: I really don't see the rush to make this kid a starter yet, but if he's going to develop as a starter he needs to stay in AA for a while before making the permanent move to Pawtucket. Averaging 5.8 innings per start isn't going to wear him out, but it'll give him a chance to acclimate to working lineups (the kid only has 27 career starts, for pete's sake) and developing his pitch arsenal. The worst thing to do with talent like this would be to force it before he's ready.

Bring it on! Game at 1:35 pm today. I'm predicting a sharp decline in productivity. Thanks, MLB Gameday!

(Photo credit: Touching All The Bases, MLB.com, Boston.com)

Red Sox Lo-...

Mass Hysteria is reporting that Sh!tShow is a late scratch to write today's Red Sox post due to a mysterious flu bug going around the blog. No replacement has been announced. He would like to note that his prediction of this series was based on Lester starting game three, and that its not his fucking fault that the black plague has infected his pitching staff. I mean seriously, what the fuck is going on in that fucking clubhouse? Fuck. He can't wait to see his Dice-K and Beckett come back from... hey wait... is that them?

Seriously though, wouldn't a zombie pitching staff be fucking badass? We know from 28 Days Later they got wheels, and they're persistent as shit too. Never give up an easy out. Plus, what umpire would argue balls and strikes with Zombie Ortiz and Zombie Manny? Let's just infect these guys for real and see how it goes.

Masterson is gonna rock it today, by the way.

Celtics are the Big Bad Booty Daddy

We at Mass Hysteria were able to secure an audio interview with professional wrestler Scott Steiner, regarding last night's Celtics/Hawks Game 2. The self professed "Big Bad Booty Daddy" has enjoyed a long career in the ring, and has been known in that time to be one of America's finest orators.

Steiner first commented on the "bandwagon jumper" comments about Boston fans made by Hawks point guard Mike Bibby.

Steiner then opined on the psychological nature of Celtics forward Kevin Garnett,

and soon made some racially motivated remarks on how the Celtics planned to treat Bibby during the game.

Steiner then commented on the outcome of Wednesday's game

while expressing how Bibby may be feeling right now.

Finally, Steiner made a post-season prediction for the Celtics.

Then, I guess he started talking about the playoff fortunes of the Toronto Raptors?

And then something about smashing his wife?

After that he just said "heh" a lot:

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Who Dat? Draft Preview: Running Backs


Photo courtesy of Deadspin.com

Lawrence "Kool-Aid" Maroney proved last year that he could be an every down back, after Sammy Morris literally had his chest broken. He looked great in the playoffs as well, helping Tom Brady and Company control the ball and clock and pound away hard yards. Maroney gets dinged up though, and so does Sammy, so it might behoove the Pats to look into someone who can eat up more yards than Heath Evans and Kyle Eckel(who I noticed during a game last year has a very impressive Tramp Stamp). They should have Morris back in time to start the season, but depth might be something that Belichick will be looking for in some of the later round. Again, I am just going to ignore Darren McFadden because there is no way Al Davis lets him get to the Patriots.

1. Jonathan Stewart-RB- Oregon- If Darren McFadden is the best running back in the draft, Stewart is a very close second. Destined to be a super star in the pros, thick and strong but still agile enough to avoid tackles. Great vision, who could be an immediate impact for any team that drafts him. Like Maroney, he has experience returning kicks and punts, a quality that is looked upon highly by Belichick. Has a 40 inch vertical, meaning he could clear any gnomes or dwarfs that the defense has lined up in the backfield. Some injury concerns, recently broke his toe and will be out until at least August. Cousin of Kordell Stewart, which knocks his stock down a few pegs (well at least in my book). A mid first round pick, would be a nice pick for the Pats, but unless Belichick has something up his sleeves, won't happen.

2. Rashard Mendenhall- RB- Illinois- Silky, smooth a great prospect that exploded onto the national scene this year with the Fighting Illini. Another RB with a rare combination of speed and physicality who some analysts are whispering could even be better than Darren McFadden(gasp!). Durability will not be an issue with him, as he hasn't been hurt very often, and he could easily go to have a long productive career in the NFL. Another low first round pick, could be attractive to a team like the Lions (though I hear Matt Millen is eyeing Devin Thomas) or the Texans who have struggled finding a running game last year.

3. Felix Jones- RB- Arkansas. The other guy at Arkansas. While MacFadden got all the accolades Jones put together a very impressive junior campaign, putting together a solid 1000+ yard campaign while averaging a mind numbing 7.6 yards per carry. Great feet and moves in the open field, can shake a defender out of his shoes as they say. Projected to go late first round, early second round, could be a flashy player in the pros that makes big plays, but also could be a complete bust. Some scouts compare him to a less effective Reggie Bush, which hopefully will encourage Belichick to avoid him. (Note: Hazel Mae's Landing Strip has nothing against Reggie Bush, he just believes he won't as great of a player that everyone seems to think he will)

4. Ray Rice- RB- Rutgers. Put on this list because he probably will fall into the late 2nd or 3rd round when the Pats could be looking for a running back. A small guy at 5'8 he put up great numbers in college, and was actually 7th in the Heisman during 2006. Really quick but his size, and questions about his blocking ability might relegate him to a back up role in the pros. Could get beat up badly by the more physical defenses in the NFL. But who needs size when you can do shit like this:

5. Kevin Smith- RB- Central Florida. If you are an ESPN person you probably have never heard of this guy, hell tWWL ignores most schools not in power conferences. But if you opened up a college football website and looked at his stats, you would have seen a running back that put up numbers that were almost as good as Barry Sanders 1988 campaign. Thats scary. Now I am not saying he will be anywhere near the player Sanders is, UCF doesn't necessarily play the most competitive schedule. But his natural instincts and ability to see the whole field, could make him a solid pick in the 2nd round. Durability might be an issue as he ran the ball A SHIT LOAD in college.

So there you have it, those are five running backs that might be around in the early rounds for the Patriots. With other glaring needs, I can't see the Pats going after any of these guys in the early rounds during the first day, but they might try and build some depth in the later rounds. I always see Belichick going for more of the bruiser type backs, guys that are more likely to knock your teeth in than run around you. Guys like Ryan Torrain of Arizona St. or Cory Boyd from South Carolina might be a solid pick in the later rounds. Just a reminder, and to be a shill for my own event, the "Mass Hysteria First Annual Draft Selection Extravanganza" will happen on Saturday. Yes I get the irony, the blog isn't open yet, and no one will be able to read it. But fuck man! This will be my chance to shine, be there or die!

Next Up: Other Positions

Mayday! Mayday!

More bad tidings from the Glob. In the wake of yesterday's news that Gordon Edes is on the verge of jumping ship to Yahoo! Sports, David Scott reports today that the Globe's Peter May is about to accept a buyout and leave the paper.

I loved his work on "Night at the Opera".

Although not the biggest name at the Globe, May had carved out a niche as a solid, reliable basketball writer (much as Kevin Paul Dupont has his niche as a solid, reliable hockey writer), his cool, more analytical (dare I say "Gammons-like") style serving as the perfect counterpoint to Bob Ryan's fiery and passionate rants. Recently, however, he's mainly been seen on Sundays, contributing a weekly "On Basketball" piece. No idea on who takes over that role if he leaves -- presumably Celts beat reporter Marc Spears.

If May wants to continue working, I'm sure he'll find another position quickly. Otherwise, he can just live comfortably off the royalties from "We Will Rock You" and "Fat Bottomed Girls", I suppose....

As for the rapidly-declining (talent-wise and financially) Globe... well, they DO have some talent left on the roster in Ryan, Dupont, and the increasingly impressive Mike Reiss. And, of course... well, you know.....

[Ed. note -- we have gently informed A Pimp Named DaveR that Peter May was not the guitar player for Queen. He is taking the news well.]

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It's Too Bad Some Band Didn't Do A Song About Kids Being Just Fine Or The Like, Or I Could Have Written A Clever Headline Here....

Well, that was impressive.

In a thriller at Fenway, Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia defeated the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 7-6 before an announced crowd of 37,982 plus the rest of the Red Sox roster. (Special guest star: Moneyball's Kevin Youkilis.) Ellsbury, who went 24-24 with 40 HR and 142 RBI, may also have impregnated several of the Angels' wives during the contest. Reports are sketchy. Pedroia remains short.

The defending AL West champs managed to rally from a 5-1 lead behind the overrated-but-still-better-than-his-brother Jered Weaver, whose fastball hasn't been the same since he dropped those 230 pounds by eating Subway subs as part of a healthy diet and exercise plan. (Results not typical. Weight loss not guaranteed.) They did, however, manage to scratch out their 5 runs against perpetual Cy Young candidate Josh Beckett, whose start...

Wait... what? David Pauley? Didn't he host the Today Show for a while? No? Well then, in that case, the Angels managed to lose a game to a AAA journeyman who's, at best, the 8th guy on the Sox starting pitcher depth chart, plus Crazy Julian Tavarez, the Hero in the Dark (who coughed up a very bad game-tieing HR to Casey Kotchman that was reminiscent of his first appearance last year), and the Ghost of Mike Timlin. (That sound you hear is Mike Scioscia popping about 42 Xanax right now.)

Oh, did I mention that Jason Varitek was out too (with "the flu")? Some might say that the flu bug has been rampaging through the Sox clubhouse this past week, making their continuing run of wins against quality opposition that much more impressive. I however, think something is up -- has anyone even heard from Mike Lowell recently? -- and blame that new guy they just hired:

New Clubhouse Attendant "Jay"

The effective-enough Pauley was rewarded for his efforts with a hearty handshake, the hope that he might get a ring and a 1/8 postseason share if everything breaks right this year, and a bus ticket back to Pawtucket. Ellsbury was rewarded for his efforts with untold amounts of hot sex from every attractive woman in Boston.*

Tomorrow's pitching matchup: Jon Another-Name-For-Tinsel vs.....



Derek Kellogg Named UMass Hoops Coach


So, according to ESPN, former UMass guard Derek Kellogg will be named the new head basketball coach at his alma mater at a news conference on Wednesday. Among those who also were considered for the position, but were not hired for various reasons:
  • Dana Dingle - Refused to leave his profitable Berry farm.
  • Lou Roe - Was the school's first choice, but refused to wear a suit on the sidelines unless it was comprised of the scalps of all the victims he dunked upon.
  • Donta Bright - As of 2002, working in a "hotel in Boston." So, um, yeah.
  • Edgar Padilla and Carmelo Travieso - Demanded to be hired as the NCAA's first coaching tandem, lost points in the interview due to lack of English language skills and refusal to talk to anyone but each other.
  • Giddel Padilla - His brother wouldn't let him.
  • Marcus Camby - Never actually considered for job and UMass has no record of him existing as a basketball player, student, or living being.

Because We Really Should Say Something About the Marathon....

Yeah, I know -- it's pretty difficult to blog anything about the Boston Marathon. Marathons, by their very nature, are difficult events to follow, because... well, the course is 26 freaking miles long. As a spectator, you get to personally witness about .04% of the event at best, unless you're watching Bob and Alice on Channel 4 desperately trying to pick Lance Armstrong out of a crowd. Here's how the scene plays out if, say, you happen to live along the course in Natick....

(1) 8:30 AM -- Route 135 closed.
(2) 9:30 AM -- Woo! Jets!
(3) 10:15 AM (approx) -- 5-6 guys buzz by in wheelchairs
(4) 10:30 AM (approx) -- Clot of really skinny mostly-white women runs by.
(5) 10:40 AM (approx) -- Flock of African guys runs by.
(6) 10:45 AM (approx) -- First American runs by.
(7) 11:00 AM (approx) -- Dave's cousin An Uber-Pimp Named DaveN runs by.
(7a) 11:01 AM (approx) -- Lance Armstrong runs by, apparently using a Romulan cloaking device (because I sure didn't see him...)
(8) 11:15 AM - 12:45 PM (approx) -- Sea of Humanity
(9) 11:30 AM -- APNDR gets bored and goes home to watch the Sox game.
(10) 3:30 PM -- Route 135 open.

I think alcohol and/or the presence of a lot of booze-filled Wellesley College co-eds probably makes the experience a lot better... but hey, it's a world class athletic event that's only four blocks away from me, so dammit, I'm going to watch it.

But again... kind of hard to blog about it, at least in any interesting way. So I'll just say a couple of words about two finishers -- the first, and (I believe) one of the last:

(1) The Winner -- Robert Cheruiyot

Big surprise -- a Kenyan wins the Marathon. But what a story this guy has to tell. Cheruiyot (pronounced "chariot", in case you didn't watch the news after any of his four victories) was, at one point in his life, a virtual slave. Yes, an honest-to-God indentured servant! When Cheruiyot's family split up -- leaving him and his brother Stephen literally on someone's doorstep, with his dad selling a plot of land he owned and disappearing, he was taken in by a relative who promised to pay his school tuition. Um, sorry Bob -- there's a catch. I do have a full sink of dishes for you to do, and, well, let's just say that you're the "houseboy" now, dig? And if you don't like it -- no school, no house, no nothing, capice? That lasted for eight years, until said relative kicked him out on the street with no money, no job, and no tuition for school. Desperate, he wound up taking a job at a barbershop that paid him about $0.30 a day. Somehow, he wound up in a running camp run by former Boston winner Moses Tanui, and the rest is history. (For more info, read John Powers' great interview/article on Cheruiyot from last year.) As if that weren't enough of a burden to bear in life, the recent political chaos in Kenya has thrown his (reunited) family into disarray, with some of his relatives winding up in refugee camps. There are stories about sports raising someone out of poverty... and then there's Robert Cheruiyot. Yowza.

(2) The Other Winner -- Jason Pisano

Jason Pisano isn't a famous professional marathoner, and you've probably never heard his name before. In fact, I didn't even know his name until I researched it for this post. All I knew was that I had seen a fleeting glimpse on the TV last night of a guy finishing in the dark, with a handful of people around him, pushing himself in a wheelchair -- backwards. That stuck with me (even more than the guy running the race in the pink ballerina outfit), and I had to find out more.

Pisano is a 36-year-old guy from Warwick, RI who has cerebral palsy. He cannot move his arms effectively, and gets by in life mainly by using his left foot for everything. He almost died as a child when, during a rainy recess, his wheelchair tipped over and he fell face-down into a puddle. He is also well on his way to his goal of completing 50 marathons, including yesterday's Boston Marathon. That would be, I believe, his 14th straight Boston Marathon -- i.e. 14 more than I've finished.

Jason runs his marathons by, as noted above, pushing himself backwards in his wheelchair using his one "good" leg. All 26 miles. For over 40 marathons so far. Let that sink in for a second: he pushes himself backwards with one leg for 26 miles.
The next time I'm too bass-ackwards lazy to get off the couch and do half an hour on the treadmill, I'm going to think about Jason Pisano pushing himself through 40+ marathons with one leg. I will still stay on the couch -- because I'm bass-ackwards lazy -- but I will feel approximately 400,000% more like a worthless piece of garbage because of it.

So there you have it -- two guys who redefine "overcoming obstacles to compete." This should at least give you cause to let out a hearty laugh the next time you hear some basketball player complain about the "hardships" he faced at Detroit Country Day when Nike reneged on his shoe contract.

Also, Route 135 is now open.

Photo credits: USA Today; Beloblog.com

Not So Mini Broom!


It took both the Celtics and Bruins respective playoff resurgences, but for the first time in years baseball in Boston took the proverbial backseat this weekend. And well... it sure as hell seems the Red Sox like shotgun. In a series against the perennially hapless Rangers, the Red Sox played the cat to Texas's mouse for four straight games. It was the Choose Your Own Adventure of winning baseball.

Do you:

Lay a beat down on your opponent while your superstar slugger gets his bat back on track? Turn to Friday nights game!


Allow your opponent to jump to a five run lead, then score six runs in the final two innings, the last one coming on a walk? Skip ahead to Sunday!

I don't care if it was against the Rangers. Good teams have to take care of business when they play at home. Laying a beating on teams that are struggling is not an option, its a requirement. And the Red Sox got the job done this weekend.

Notes, thoughts, blah blah:

Current record of the Red Sox when three or more Mass Hysterics watch a game together: 1 - 0. Not sayin.... just sayin.

Due to a Saturday that started at noon (paying my bookie) and ended at 5:30 AM Sunday (busting out of a poker game), I was hungover as hell Sunday and didn't turn on the game until we were already down 5 - 0. I assumed that the game was over, and we'd end up taking three outta four. I had absolutely no problem with this. Obviously, I should probably start paying juuuuust a little bit more attention.

One of my favorite moments from the series: 8th Inning, Sunday. Ellsbury singles. Jed Lowrie gets up and doubles. I am 100% certain Ellsbury will score. He's got wheels, mothafucka!

Julio Lugo, 4 -4 ? He certainly plays better when he's getting shown up in all facets of the game by a rook, huh?

I miss Kason Gabbard.

Nice to see Clay get the 'W'. He's still throwing too many pitches (103 through 6 isn't gonna do it, especially on his pitch count) But getting the young gun a win can only help his confidence after that debacle in NYC.

Angels in town for three, give me the Sox in the first two and Lester dropping the matinee after throwing 250 pitches through 3 and a third. First pitch strikes, Jon. Please throw them. PLEASE.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Who Dat? Draft Preview: Linebackers


Another year, another year older for our geriatric linebacking crew. This is a position where Belichick has been very hesitant to go after in the early rounds, instead preferring to sign aging players that are a two years away from being eligible for Social Security. There are many questions this year regarding the the depth and durability of our linebackers, after releasing oft-injured Roosevelt Colvin, and who knows what the fuck is going on with Junior Seau. Linebackers are usually the corner stone of a Belichick-ian defense, they need to be be smart, and pick up a complex defense quickly, and most college linebackers have a slower learning curve to the speed of the NFL (there are always exceptions like Patrick Willis).

1. Keith Rivers- OLB- USC- Great athletic ability, who can burst through blocks with his blistering speed. Not much of a pass rusher (didn't record any sacks in '07), but plays very well against the rush and in coverage. Like many college players, goes for the big play instead of wrapping up the tackle. Has the overall package that Belichick might look for, though #7 might be too high to draft Rivers. Was heavily recruited coming out of high school by then Florida coach Ron Zoooooooook, but decided to attend USC after he was promised a #55 jersey (also worn there by Seau and Willie McGinest). Most recruits pick their college by pedigree of the school, or possibility of starting there, Rivers chose USC for a uniform number.

2. Dan O'Connor- ILB- Penn State- A big hit player who will deliver game in and game out. Great instincts and agility who can make outstanding plays in the open field.Comes from a great program that has brought many other great linebackers to the league and is the Nittany Lions all time leader in tackles. Has compared to his predecessor Paul Posluzny, but probably will drop lower in the draft due to some serious character concerns. Was supsended in 2005 for the following incident:

"Coach Joe Paterno has placed sophomore Dan Connor on indefinite suspension for his participation in recent harassment calls. Earlier this week, Connor and juniors Jim Kanuch and Nolan McCready were issued a summary offense for their actions. The calls, which occurred over several months and escalated to the point of harassment, were investigated by State College Police."

3. Curtis Lofton- ILB- Oklahoma. Dominant in every sense of the word, can take over a football game by himself. Great job at closing out a play, and pursuing a QB out of the pocket. Real smart football player, who knows where to be on the field and can sniff out the football. Led the team in tackles with 157 tackles in his first year as a starter with the Sooners. Because of his size his stock will probably plummet, but Belichick has never been a guy to shy away from players who don't fit into a typical mold. Could be a real steal if he falls into the Patriots lap in the 2nd round.

4. Jerod Mayo- ILB- Tenn- At 6'1 he plays alot bigger than he actually is, due to how physical he plays. Again another smart football player, and can play both the inside and outside linebacker which would fit in perfectly with the Belichick defense. Has had knee injuries, but played through them his senior year. If the Pats are looking for an explosive, undersized LB Mayo would look awfully attractive. Most likely to be drafted mid-first round.

5. Erin Henderson- OLB- Maryland- No, I could not resist doing a draft preview without putting an ACC player on the list. Despite name, is actually a man, a large man who could destroy a puny blogger who writes about NFL drafts. Please don't kill me Erin, I love your name, and I will never question your manhood again. Anyways, Henderson (younger brother of Vikings linebacker E.J which I can only assume is short for Elizabeth Jennifer), has great size and bulk with a killer instinct on the field. Hard worker who could be a great second round pick for the Patriots. Problems with injuries.

There are some decent prospects for the Patriots to look at this position, but I would be surprised if they took any of these guys at #7. Linebackers as a position is solid, more so than CB, and if the Pats wanted to trade down they could find some good value later in the first round.

Let me also take this chance to promo the "Mass Hysteria NFL Draft Selection Extravaganza", which will be taking place here at Mass Hysteria next Saturday. Get a chance to read my "expert" analysis on the draft, and my thoughts on the broadcast, and get a good chuckle as the tandem of Mel Kiper JUNIOR and Chris Berman drive me slowly insane. Blogging will commence at 230 Eastern Standardized Time.

Next Up: Running Backs

Celtics Begin Playoff Rape, Pillage

Before last night's Game One against the Hawks, I'll admit that I was a bit worried. I had just watched the equally favored Pistons shit the bed against the Sixers, and the Lakers struggle with the Nuggets in the first half. I knew the C's had been dominant during the regular season, but would it be different in the playoffs?
In a word, notsomuch. The C's laid a severe beating on the Hawks last night, leading by as many as 27 in their severe 104-81 beating of Atlanta last night. Allen had 18, Pierce and Garnett had 16, and Leon Powe had 10, including a sick dunk literally through Josh Smith.

Despite the fireworks and national stage, the game itself looked much like the type of beatings that the C's dished out throughout the regular season. The C's basically imposed their will on the Hawks, especially on defense. Four of the Hawks starters shot a combined 14-49 (29%). Atlanta shot 21% from three. They turned the ball over 15 times. In short, they sucked, and showed little sign of this being anything other than a four-game sweep. Given my short attention span, here are some other things I took from the game:
  • Al Horford was the only Hawk who looked even remotely comfortable on the court. He put up 20 and 10, and should pose real matchup problems for Perk throughout the series. Also, he's a Florida Fucking Gator, and a two-time member of the greatest goddamned college basketball team ever, all time, all my life. Also, Billy Donovan just slept with your mom in the time it took you to read this paragraph.
  • Rondo almost had a triple-double and made Bibby look more confused than when he had to fill out the "what is your ethnic background" question on his taxes. It's hard to believe that Bibby, only a few years ago, used to be one of the league's top point guards and almost led the Kings to the finals. At this rate, he'll be playing in Krgygyststinan with Miles Simon before the decade is out.
  • KG has been intense all season, but holy shit, he was like the Ultimate Warrior last night. After Powe posterized Josh Smith, I thought KG was going to spontaneously start ground-and-pound punching Big Black Leon, a la Tito Ortiz. And that's cause he was happy! There's a 42% chance that Garnett may miss a game this playoffs with a burst embolism in his brain.
  • I love that Ortiz, Lowell and Pedroia were there, rooting on their fellow Boston athletes. Ortiz even helped out with some trampoline dunk action. It's like all the athletes in this town are the senior jocks in high school - sitting front row at each other's games, going to the best parties and banging the cheerleaders. With any luck, Papi will ask me to help him cheat on the SATs in exchange for letting me smell his fingers.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Frank Thomas

This is the first in what I hope will be a regular series of open letters to athletes and/or athletic personalities. Enjoy.

Dear Frank Thomas,
You were my favorite baseball player as a child. I had your posters on my wall, I patterned my Little League batting stance after you, and you served as an inspiration for all of us children who shopped in the Husky section of Sears but still wanted to be a professional baseball player (well, you and Mo Vaughn at least). You had an awesome nickname, one which I would gladly bestow upon my own penis if it had more girth. You played for the White Sox, and Dr. Dre wore your hat. I own roughly every Frank Thomas baseball card produced from the years of 1990 through 1995.

Those cards are now worth a combined three cents. Eat a bag of dicks buddy. Eat a huge satchel of cocks.

Now, I can accredit only part of my rage to the fact that my repeated allowance investments in you have gone to absolute shit. Much of it has to do with the fact that you've assumed the mantle of "world's laziest baseball player" over the last ten or so years, culminating in your "breaking up with her after she dumped me" split with the Blue Jays this weekend.
Just as a hint, batting .173 is generally a ticket to Shutthefuckupsville, not a license to whine and complain that you're not getting enough ABs. And let's not even note the fact that three of your whopping 10 hits this year were home runs. Last person to hit like that was late-era Mark McGwire, right after he took monkey steroids and popped the whiteheads on his cockshaft. Not that I'm accusing you of anything.

Also, I strongly doubt that you even own a baseball glove, or have owned once since the mid '90s. Therefore, you are closer to softball player (like Psycho Sid) than baseball player.

Obviously Photoshopped

So in conclusion, Frank Thomas, you suck, and I'm glad you got dumped. Oh, and you owe me the 60 or so bucks I spent on your cards as a kid, which is worth roughly ten grand now. Good thing you have a ton of time on your hands to write me a check.

Welcome, Stitchface!

Please welcome the newest Mass Hysteric to our fold.

Stitchface is awesome. He's from Texas and has awesome hair. Within half an our of meeting him, I became privy to the fact that he would readily date a Yankees fan... strictly for the hate sex.

You gotta love this kid.

UM MY BRUINS. I'm so high off this game I can't actually formulate rational sentences pertaining to it right now. Suffice to say: both Stitchface and the Bruins are amazing, and I'm going to eat my chicken and go to bed.

Dare I say it? I'm Mass Hysterical with joy. Hee!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Who Dat? Draft Preview: Offensive Line


They are large, many of them are grossly overweight, but they are going prevent defenses from turning superhunk Tom Brady into a liquefied mess. During the Super Bowl (ouch it hurts to even mention it), it was painfully clear that the Patriots need to improve their depth at the O Line, because after two of the linemen went down the Giants had their way with the subs . Again this is a position in the past that Belichick has gone after in the first round, and like CB if they trade down they could find some solid value late in the first round. Here is a look at some lunks that could be on the Pats radar. I am going to ignore Jake Long, because he will be long gone before the Pats pick.

Gosder Cherlius- OT- BOSTON COLLEGE- This is a complete homer pick here, but he is at least going to be drafted in the 1st round (everywhere I read that the Steelers like him alot). He is enormous, 6'6 and over 330 Lbs, with great movement and raw strength. Scouts say that he will be able to contribute immediately at Tackle, but his footwork needs some improvement if he slides over to Guard. Got completely overwhelmed by blitz packages last year at guard. Last year was arrested outside the Greatest Bar after he got in a melee with a Patron along with an undercover cop. Claims he was working as the peace maker. Riiiight.

Branden Albert -OG- Virginia. Second ACC person on the board. Good quickness, great moves has that instinct to follow through on plays to the end. Great pass blocker, but struggles to block the run. Three Year starter for the Cavs, he started mostly at guard, and only learned football as a Junior in High School. Another player who is good, but hasn't shown what his true potential could be. His ability to learn the game quickly is something that Belichick will be looking for a position that demands a fast learning curve. A real gifted athlete who played high school basketball with ex Hoyas BBall Star Jeff Green

Ryan Clady- OT- Boise State- A sure top of the draft type player, who according to scouts is a can't miss prospect. Real quick and agile, can clamp down an entire side of the field. Plays with a nasty demeanor, can be real physical when needed. After Jake Long he probably will be the next lineman drafted. Scored a 13 (the lowest of anyone in the NFL draft) on the Wonderlic Intelligence test, which is the lowest possible score you can get. If that score was translated into an IQ score he would have had an 86, which is on the cusp of being borderline retarded. Still had a better score than Vince Young.

Sample Wonderlic Questions Include
: (thank you tWWL)
8. When rope is selling at $.10 a foot, how many feet can you buy for sixty cents?

9. The ninth month of the year is
1. October, 2. January, 3. June, 4. September, 5 May.

10. Which number in the following group of numbers represents the smallest amount?
7 .8 31 .33 2

If you got any of these wrong, you probably should X out this blog immediately...

Carl Nicks- OT- Nebraska- Raw talent at its finest, he has all the tools to become a high level talent in the NFL. Unfortunately he hasn't played that much, only starting two years at Nebraska. Probably will drop to be a tweener. Doubt that the Patriots would be interested in him at 7 but if he is around in the second round he might be someone they might look at. Also brings a wife and 3 year old daughter to the table. Can start contract negotations by demanding more Wiggles DVD's and Dora the Explorer dolls for his daughter.

Jeff Otah- OT- Pittsburgh
. Probably the most underdeveloped guy in the group with the biggest upside. He is one of those players that scouts watch and get a stiffy watching, wondering how could he could become. Could be a project, which makes me think that Belichick would not waste his time on him. But Bill is always a mind-fuck. Otah was born in Nigeria and went to military school before he came to Pitt. Can kill a guy 65 different ways with a broom.

There you have them, some potential lard lads who could be catching the attention of the Patriots at the draft this year. As discussed before Belichick has gone after Offensive lineman in the first round in the past (Dan Koppen, Logan Mankins) mainly because this is a position that either they have the skills or don't. Though Belichick may not spend his first pick on an O-Linemen, I could see him going after one late in the 1st round if they trade down or in the 2nd round.

Photo courtesy of Boston.com