Friday, July 15, 2011
at 2:45 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
Who's ready for the Red Sox to start back up again? Four days without any meaningful baseball (BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!111!!!!) and I'm all kinds of geared up. But before we get back into the swing of things, we at Mass Hysteria have put together a quick little recap of the Home Run Derby and the All Star Game. But as is our style, this isn't just any ordinary recap! May I present: A Mass Hysteria Exclusive! Recapping the Home Run Derby will be ESPN's Chris Berman, and the All Star Game run-down will be handled by Fox's Joe Buck! Take it away, fellas!
THANKS, SMARTY! WELL THE HOME RUN DERBY WAS AN EXCITING ONE AS MANY BOMBS WENT TOWAAARRRDDDSSSSS THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPLISH SPLASH, I WAS TAKING A BATH! SPLASHDOWN! GET ON YOUR SWIM TRUCKS, THAT ONE IS WET! KER-SPLUSH! ANTHATISGONEEE!!!!
AFTER THE FIRST ROUND WE WERE NARROWED DOWN TO DAVID "AND GOLIATH" ORTIZ, "YO" ADRIAN "I DID IT!" GONZALEZ, "HERE'S TO YOU MRS." ROBINSON CANO, AND "GOODNIGHT SWEET" PRINCE FIELDER! AND WHAT A ROUND IT WAS! "THE" PRINCE "AND THE PAUPER" FIELDER HIT ONE BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK AND GOOOONNNEEEEE! A MOOOOOOOOOONSHOT! FOR THE LONGEST HOME RUN OF THE NIGHT! BUT ROBINSON "CRUSOE" CANO HIT ONE TOWARDS THE GGGEEEEEEEEEE-SERIES SIGN!!! AND ADRIAN "PENTA" GON-ZALEZ HIT ONE TOWARDS ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY! SUN-DEVIL POWER! AND THOSE TWO WERE ABLE TO MOVE ON TO THE FINAL ROUND! WOWWWWWWW!!!!!
ROBINSON CA-NO "WAY JOSE" HAD HIS DAD PITCHING TO HIM! HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! DID YOU GUYS NOTICE IT WAS HIS FATHER THROWING THE BALLS THAT ROBINSON WAS, IN TURN, HITTING OVER THE FENCE? HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! AND ROBIN-SON "OF A PREACHER MAN" CANO WAS ABLE TO WIN THE HOME RUN DERBY, DEFEATING ADRIAN "GONE BABY" GON-ZALEZ! WOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
AND NOW LOOK AT THIS! CONTESTANTS RICKY "EIGHT DAYS A" WEEKS, MATT HOLLIDAY "IN CAMBODIA", AND "NO WAY" JOSE BAUTISTA ARE NOW APPROACHING THE BROADCAST DESK! WITH THEIR BATS IN HAND!!! HEY GUYS! AND NOW BAUTISTA SWIIIIINGS AND---*THUD*
Hi guys it's me Joe Buck and I'm hear to recap the All Star game. What an exiting game it was. Derek Jeter. There were lots of plays that I definitely got really excited about. I'm sure you can tell by my tone here how excited I was. I mean, wow. Adrian Gonzalez got the scoring started for the AL. Home run. It was gone. 1-0 AL. He is a really good hitter. Unanimous MVP. I don't know who Jose Bautista is. Wow.
Then the NL scored 3 runs. Amazing. Price Fielder hit a home run. How good was that. Then they tacked on two more insurance runs in the later innings. The excitement was too much for me to bear. The AL tried to rally, but didn't. Paul Konerko came up in a key spot, but ZzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz....
Monday, July 11, 2011
at 12:00 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
Good morning Hysterics! Sorry we've been on hiatus for a few weeks. The Bruins parade turned into the Bruins hangover, which turned into birthdays, Blogapaloozas, vacations, bachelor parties, and other random events, all of which involved copious amounts of alcohol. But rest assured, we're back, we're back, we're (mostly) detoxed, and we're ready for some Boston sports.
First, the Bruins, who have been relatively quiet in the free agent market, which is not all that surprising. After Michael Ryder jumped ship and signed with Dallas, the B's went out and signed Benoit Pouliot (pronounced ben-WAH POO-lee-fuckthefrench). And OH NO TOMAS KABERLE IS GONE! Now who will grow an ugly V For Vendetta-esque goatee and lead the league in completely useless shot-fakes on the power play? The B's quickly signed Joe Corvo, who will hopefully provide a little something more than Kaberle's "very little."
Now a piece of minor news: former Patriot Mike Vrabel has taken a cue from Yao Ming and decided to retire. I was always a huge Vrabel fan; nothing was better than him decking a running back trying to hit a hole on one play, swatting a pass down on the next play, and catching a TD pass 4 or 5 plays after that. I was kind of pissed when the Pats traded him to the Chiefs for a pair of tackling dummies and a cheerleader, but, as usual, the Pats recognized declining skills before fans like me could, and Vrabel didn't do much in KC before hanging it up. Enjoy retirement, Mike.
And finally, on to your Red Sox, who enter the All Star break in first place, 1 game ahead of the Yankees, 20 games over .500, and with the best record in the American League. Remember when they sucked for like 2 weeks? That was fun. But now it's all kicking ass and taking names. After completely eviscerating the Orioles over 4 games this weekend, I hope Buck Showalter takes some time over the break to swallow some rat poison. Oh, and take that piece of shit Kevin Gregg with you. That whiney little bitch should wake up and thank his lucky stars every day that he doesn't have to bat against the Red Sox ever, because I guaran-fucking-tee you Josh Beckett would literally kill him with a fastball. But since he can't bat... welll... let's just say I'm not the type of guy who roots for Bryce Florie-type line drives to the face, but I'm willing to make an exception for Gregg. I really can't wait to play these shit-clowns again.
But for now, it's a deserved 4 days off for some of the banged up guys, although Beckett, Ellsbury, Ortiz, A-Gonz, and Youkilis will be off to the All Star Game. But first, the Home Run Derby is tonight, featuring the insufferable Chris Berman. Get your mute buttons ready.
Monday, June 20, 2011
at 10:10 AM Posted by BCHysteria
Welcome back Hysterics,
Hope you all had a nice alcohol fueled Bruins weekend like I did. Let's travel down the merry world of BCHysteria and see how his weekend went....
My Friday was spent looking everywhere for a Bruins shirt for Saturday's parade. I know I know, I should have had a shirt before, but as documented here, the Bruins kind of lost me after their last lockout. I really wanted to find a Brad Marchand jersey, but no place had one, nor did they have any that weren't Mark Recchi (retiring) or Kaberle (most likely gone this offseason). So after freaking out when the mall started closing at 9pm, I found one of those center stands and bought one there. $20 for a nice generic Bruins shirt that I'm sure any die hard at the parade could spot was just bought.
Saturday morning was the parade, got up at 7am (couldn't sleep), and headed over to Malden to pick up the T. Only problem was the entire T station's parking lot was completely full. Luckily a businessman next store allowed me to park in his lot for $10. Not a bad deal at all, because the T lot was $5. We headed into the station, which was packed, but all the people were waiting to use the three machines that gave out Charlie Cards. Silly fools, I have my rechargeable card, didn't have to wait in any line and got onto a nearly empty T. Across from me on the T, was a guy, probably around 60, that proclaimed that he had been drinking since yesterday, and was embarrassed that he couldn't find a Bruins shirt, so he decided to wear a Blue Button up with pink flowers stuffed into the pocket. Look, the guy was loaded, who was I to argue?
I got off around Downtown Crossing and headed over to the parade, to my delight I found a spot almost immediately about three rows back. The only problem was there was a women maybe 25(?) who was absolutely wrecked right behind us blowing a horn non stop (remember its not even 9 yet, the parade starts at 11). The atmosphere there was great though, everyone was in a good mood, and other than some moderately hot girls that cut in front of me, nothing bad happened. Even the police were in good spirits. It was hot as hell out, but who cares, 11:00 came by... no Bruins... 11:30 no Bruins... 11:45... HERE THEY COME. OH MY GOD IT WAS AWESOME. Someone from the Suffolk Law building was shooting yellow confetti onto the street while blasting Zombie Nation and Dirty Water and here comes the Bruins!
Milan Lucic, Claude Julien, Nathan Horton, Andrew Ference. Saw them all. Gotta admit I was a little bummed I couldn't see Recchi, Thomas, Chara or Marchand...but the atmosphere was still awesome. Rene Rancourt's float stopped right in front of us, and he gave a bunch of us three fist thrusts. AWESOME. The chants of "We Got the Cup" rang for a solid ten minutes. Plus for the first time in my life, I was about five feet away from the Stanley Cup. It was surreal, I feel for our old friend Raquel, who I'm sure would have killed to have been there.
After the parade, we headed down Newbury St. to have some victory beers, and watched as the parade moved its way down a parallel street. We headed into Joe's Bar and had a few beers with some other Bruins fans who were all super friendly. It was a great time until....Lyndon Byers showed up. HOLY CRAP. What a perfect way to end the day, seeing a player I remember when I was Bruins fan as a little kid. He even had on the yellow hat. I wish I could tell you this wasn't the coolest thing that has happened in a long time, I really do. But it was. This is one of those days where it just rocks to be a Boston sports fan. The people that rank on us all the time, can sit there and cry all they want, but we can hold our heads up high. We have seen it all, and nothing beats being a Boston fan. Our teams are well run, and best of all fun teams to watch, and this weekend was a celebration for the Bruins. And I'm not even going to get into how awesome it was watching them at Fenway on Sunday (on TV I mean, not live)
And oh yeah, the Red Sox won 2 of 3 against the Brewers. But who cares about them right now? They'll be our lone distraction for the next 3 months. This is Bruins time.
Friday, June 17, 2011
at 12:38 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
We have another classic Taiwanese animation for you! It was not all super happy fun smile time in Vancouver after the Hockey Cup for Stanley was losing in the Canadian country. You watch now!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
at 12:52 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
It didn't really hit me until I saw this photo. There. Are. No. Words.
Enjoy it, folks. Parade at 11 am on Saturday. Sadly, I won't be around for it, but I trust the Hysterics will keep me posted on Twitter and on here. Also, special shout to Stanley Cup of Chowder, Cornelius Hardenbergh, Raquel, and all the other Bruins fans who are way more die hard than I. You guys deserve it.
In the meantime, I know I could get up on a soapbox and tell you how terrible and horrible the riots in Vancouver are, and what jerks and sore losers they are, but screw that. Let's check out some humorous videos of the rioting from around the internets, shall we?